Should I file for divorce? Married 9 years w/ 3 kids, I really really HATE her?

Question

Not the same person I married 9 years ago. She is a very very cold and heartless person now. She has lost ability to communicate with me (not with others because she's on the phone all day). We always argue about the same things, it will be good for a day or two, but it always goes back us ignoring each other. We can go for weeks without talking, most of the time I dont even know why. Basically, I hate her more than I've ever hated anything in my entire life. Should I stay married for the sake of the kids?

She has nowhere to go, her parents are classless losers, I would not want her taking the kids back there, I dont think I could handle raising 3 kids by myself...but at the same time...man i really really really HATE this woman....

what to do...

Answer 1

Ok, breathe. Time to back up and regroup.

A) You have a problem. She has no where to go and no means of supporting herself, much less the kids. So. Now is the time to find the very best, most wonderful daycare provider in the world for the kiddies, and mama goes back to work.

Let her know you expect some sort of income coming in within the next six weeks. She doesn't have to be president of the company, just indicate you can generate an income.

Have her decide how much of her paycheck she keeps, and how much goes in the pot. Her income can be dedicated to debt. Have her write a check every payday to whatever bill to reduce the principle. This should help while you're still paying everything.

Go ahead and move into the den. You need some space. Put a TV and a little two cup coffeemaker in there. Take the laptop in and have your own room. Put a hamper in and do your laundry yourself.

Eventually you can introduce her to shared parenting. One parent is responsible for the kids every other week. One week on, one week off. House, too. Have dinner as a family. Then whoever is on does baths and bed and cleanup and whoever is off does, well, whatever whoever is off does.

Your goal is to have her eventually contribute half the expenses. Maintain her own vehicle. Manage her own checking account. Function with the shared parenting appropriately.

See how she does. If you go to court now, with her with no job, oh, boy. So take it slow. Have her develop her income. Keep to your own space. Know what your assets and liabilities are. Manage them.

Maybe she's just miserable because she just thinks she needs to be home with the kids, and it's just not in her nature. So let the daycare lady dote on your kids, and send her butt to work.

Good luck.

And God bless you and yours.

Answer 2

Hi, I just posted an similar question, although I am in her shoes. Whatever you do, do not start a new relationship until things are resolved. (My husband has.)
Start by talking without placing blame, without accusing. She obviously is not feeling the same as she did 9 years ago. I am sure that you have changed also.
Unfortunately the fairy tale in life ends. You know the one. . . "they meet, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after." It is never happily ever after. And women really fall for this fairy tale hard. We tend to get caught up in the make-believe. And when we get slapped with reality, it is hard to deal with. We have a hard time seeing that the "happily ever after" part takes a lot of hard work.

If she was the person she use to be, could you love her again? You may be able to find that person again. I am sure that she does not want to be the person she is now.

You say that it can be good for a day or two. That is a little hopeful.

I have found a really helpful marriage saving system on line. It is by Dr. Frank Gunzburg. It answers the question, "Can one person save a marriage if the other partner is not even willing to work on things?"

Obviously you should not have to make all the sacrifices and do all the work. But, if you work the system, it sounds like it works for a lot of people.

Couples do tend to call it quits too quickly. I am sure that this is not the first relationship that you have ever had. How did the others end? Looking back, are there things that could have improved? If you do contemplate the thought of ending it, try to look into the future. Will you be able to say that it was the right decision?

You mentioned kids. I have a son from my first marriage. I thought that it was wrong to stay just "for the sake of the kids". But, now that I am here again, with 2 more kids, I am really thinking a lot harder. There is not black and white answer to the question.

I wish that the answer to your question was easy. No matter what, put your kids first and take care of them above all else. You obviously care about them, they must mean the world to you. You are responsible for they way they see the world. Every night, kiss them and hug them and put them first.

I hope that you find some peace, best of luck!

Answer 3

You are a better woman than I am. I would have left a long time ago. Life is too short for you to be unhappy. You can take care of yourself, the house and the kids alone. That is what you are doing anyway so why do you need the aggravation of having him around? His 40 hours a week is not enough. Tell him to try being a husband and a father. I am assuming that you are a stay at home mom. Wouldn't you love to put in only 40 hours a week? Your job never ends so he needs to help out or get out. That is what I would do. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

I think you may be exaggerating a bit on how much you hate her. You are angry and feel neglected, which is understandable. You married her and had 3 kid w/ her so you must have loved her at one point. I think you should stay married for the sake of the marriage! Don't give up on your wife! You are obviously going through some hard times right now and have lost touch w/ each other somewhere. Maybe marriage counseling can help you guys open back up to each other. Sounds like you both hold some resentment towards each other. Marriage takes work, time, understanding, honesty, communication, trust, compromise, sacrifice ...etc etc. Its easy to get caught up in everyday life and lose track of one another, but no reason to call it quits w/out an effort to find the problem and fix it.

Try and find counseling, I hope all works out for you both.

Answer 5

If there is nothing left between the both of you but Silence.
If all the "I love yous" have ended.
If the Passion has faded.
Staying together is futile. Any longer (if not ALREADY) the Anger held inside will explode. Fueled by Hate and driven by Rage a physical dispute might accrue.
It is extremely hard to raise Three children in to days world. But it can and is being done every day. You need to be Strong and do what is RIGHT for your Children. Seek help from others and or State Agency's. If you believe in your self you will discover that your Children will will believe in you as well. They will Respect more you for what is Right for them.

Answer 6

the weeks without talking is very hard to take isnt it? you two argue to try to resolve the issues, yet find no end. Your confused about the silence, and it breeds bitterness.
maybe if you really understand why you hate her, and try to look at the solution instead of the problem... her...let me say, the kids will feel that tension and hate in your household. if you stay married with that brooding over the family, the kids will think its normal, hey cus, dad feels that way. your concern is in the right place, the kids are the next generation of you and her. ;maybe you two should talk about it deeper, and see about resolving some of the bad feelings before you damage the kids by the hate for each other. if all the love is gone, then you have nothing. divorce shouldnt be the answer unless one of you two has commited adultery. and good luck.

Answer 7

First thing you need to do is stop hating her and start hating what she does. Stop arguing with her. It takes two to fight. Concentrate more on the kids, it has to be hell for them with you two acting up so badly. If she hasn't committed adultery, you don't have grounds for a divorce. If she has been faithful, then you need to find professional help to work on your marriage. If she won't go, you go your self. Arm yourself with knowledge it is the best weapon in the war you are waging.
See if you can find out why she is misbehaving. You can only change what you are doing. If you can learn what to do differently, you can change the whole situation.

I took parenting classes several years ago and learned a few tricks to use. It also works on adults. So you may want to check out a good parenting class. Learn to use psychology on her. Couldn't hurt to try. You must honor your wedding vows.

Also check out narcissistic personality disorder.

Answer 8

Hey i am a wife and mother of two getting a divorce. I have loser parents myself so i am staying close to my husband where he will help raise the children, while i go to school and work. Help her see the divorce as a fresh start. I would never make my children live in a cold, uncaring home but i would expect that both of you would split the responsibilities of raising them. If she died you would take on the kids, your just stressed so much you might not think you can do it but you can. ANd you'll show your children not to stay in bad situations but to move on. Good luck. Would love to talk to you again if you need it.

Answer 9

someone once told me that he would have preferred having 2 happy parents in 2 separate houses instead of 2 miserable parents on one miserable house. DO NOT stay for the kids. Keep the kids if you think they will be better off. YOU CAN DO IT. They are your kids. you know them and if you are close to your family ask them for help. Whatever you do make sure your kids understand that the divorce/separation has absolutely nothing nothing nothing to do with them.. good luck!

Answer 10

She may want out just as badly as you do. But, like you say, she would have no where to go.
Which may be why she is so resentful towards you. Be honest with her. Lay it all out. If you both cannot be happy with eachother, the best thing may be to end it. She will likely end up with the lions share of what you have built together. But, atleast you will be able to have your freedom. Good luck.