How can I get my sister to fight for her marriage while husband is having mid-life crisis and wants a divorce?

Question

My sister and her husband just bought a house on land contract about 3 wks ago. Last week, he told her he wanted a divorce and she didn't have to get out right now, but he wanted her to leave. He said he still loves her, but he thinks she doesn't love him and he thinks she thinks he is worhtless. She still loves him and never has felt that way and tried to get him to understand that. He won't believe her, said the damage has already been done and that he is through. He has a woman he is talking to that he says is just a shoulder to cry on. My sister has decided that if he doesn't want her, then she is just going to give up and let the other lady have him. He won't do marriage counseling. She thinks all hope is gone and won't fight. They have been married for almost 5 yrs., and been through alot of stress the last 2 years because her daughter was diagnosed with chronic end stage renal (kidney) failure and had a transplant a few months ago. Also, the adult children won't leave the nest.

Answer 1

You won't be able to "make" her fight. If she doesn't want to go through all the counseling and everything its just not going to work. And I think that maybe she knows that he is maybe in love with the other woman and maybe she just doesn't want to stay with him because of that. You are going to have to let her make her own choices here, its hard to do that.

Answer 2

If the husband is dead set against counseling and obviously doesn't want to try to save the marriage and all they have worked for, then she may have no choice. Sometimes a crisis like they have been through with their daughter drives a stake through the heart of a marriage. If I were her I would hold my head up high and let him go. She'll have financial support and it sounds like that's all he's able to give her anyway. Why fight for someone when they are no longer emotionally there for you? I don't see the sense in that. I hope you will be supportive for your sister and not demean her for her decision to leave a loveless marriage.

Answer 3

How is being married stopping him from achieving what he wanted? Unless it was your career that moved you all over the place. I hate to say this, but I don't think it's any of those, it sounds more like there's another woman in the picture, or at least one he fancies. The constant changing of opinion can be a sign that the outside infatuation may not turn into a promising relationship. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, just saying I've heard of this tactic and it sounds just like it. Other than that, I guess you should just give him some space, it sucks, but may be the necessary evil to save your marriage, then, when it's time, talk it out.

Answer 4

Wow, you know what I think she just doesn't have any fight in her left. Dealing with a sick child is draining and her husband is dealing with it a totally different way than she is, I can see both sides, try to fight, but if the other partner isn't willing and won't believe your efforts, what more can you do, she has an ill child to care for so I am sure she feels she needs to be strong for her child instead of fighting for a man who has checked out mentally and emotionally anyway.

Answer 5

your sister may be right there is another woman in the picture and she isn't a just a shoulder to cry on she the home wrecker and that's why hes making excuses and trying to throw blame where there should be none if hes not willing to commit to her anymore there isn't really anything your sister can do she has every right to get out and you should respect her decisions and keep your opinions to yourself be a listener someone she can talk to not run from

Answer 6

One thing you have to learn is that you can't make adults do anything they don't want. If your sister doesn't feel up to it, she has that right. How long has this other woman been in the picture? It sounds like BS--"a shoulder to cry...". Blah, blah, blah. I don't think her husband is being totally honest. One other thing, no judge in his/her right mind is going to put a mother and children out in the street, so he better start looking for a place to live.

Answer 7

Take the daughter, make the husband pay child support and all medicals bills and get out. There are better men out there than this. I am presuming the adult kids are his. If not she will not get him to change his mind because he won't support HER adult kids. I wouldn't. But if his are still there then it is not her but him. He feels like he made a mistake and doesn't want her around but is just saying and blaming her.

GET HER OUT!!!

Answer 8

WHY would you want your sister to stay with a man who is out of touch with reality and feeding her full of bad vibes? EVERYTHING he is saying to her about her, is actually what HE thinks about himself !! He does NOT still love her at all - in fact, he barely loves himself BUT will not admit that to her and especially not a counselor!! Sis needs to hire a GOOD lawyer ASAP, and fight for EVERYTHING she can possibly get - since her husband is the one wanting out, she needs to let him - but NOT at her expense or in spite of her. She would be MUCH better off being without him, believe me. Emotional abuse is HORRIBLE - please think twice before wishing that on ANYONE, especially your sister!

Answer 9

you can't. no mater what you say, it wont work she has to decide what to do, all you can do is give her moral support. the sick child is all she can handle besides, if he's talking to another woman, then he's done it before or he will continue to do it. let the sister know you will support her anyway you can, but she has to stand and what she thinks is right or wrong.

Answer 10

stay out of it this she will have't to do on her own but one thing ,make him get out the house she does have that right and there is more going on then a shoulder to cry on with that lady