Why do deployed men/women cheat even if they aren't in constant danger?

Question

People who have done this and been through this, please help me!!! Is my marriage savable??

First I want to say that my whole family is military, so I know about the cheating that husbands (and wives) do when they are deployed. I have never cheated on my husband, I love him way too much. He has been deployed for about 5-6 months. The other day when we got off the phone with each other, he accidentally left his phone on. He was with a group of guys that I do know. I recognized who they were and I do know their wives. I would never tell their wives what I heard!! They were all talking about the girls that they have had sex with since they have been there, including my husband. Some every week, my husband has been with a different girl about once a month!!!! They are not girls he goes out looking for, just girls that he just met on duty. That's when it happened every time, while they were on duty, and that part scares me because even though he has done this to me I......

am still concerned for his safety. I know these guys really love their wives so i cant understand this. I cant handle knowing he is doing once a month over there when we have 11 more left. I think by the end i'll be ready to divorce him if he keeps doing this and denying it. We had a great marriage and 2 kids. Is there any way i can get him home to work on this? He doesnt know i heard him and i refuse to tell him bc he does that often. (leaves his phoneon) They all acted like it was just sex and no relationships were involved. I want to save our marriage but I can't handle the rest of thedeployment. My heart is hardening. I can't do this for a year. I have to fix my marriage now!!!! What should i do? Can I bring him home? I thought we had something great. I KNOW he's never cheated before, he told the guys that too. Is deployment "free" time to men? Why does he cheat now? will he when he comes home? Military people please help me. If i can't get him home i think i might divorce him!!!

Answer 1

just a stress reliever

Answer 2

I think it takes a certain kind of person to stay faithful when put under stress and long absences from their partner. People as a whole are weak, and none of us want to be alone.

A lot of it probably also stems from peer pressure. I remember a lot of the men/women on base are what I would classify as immature perverts. They think masculine strength comes from a verile sex life, and that someone who turns away from that while deployed is weak. It's just like the pressure men face in high school and college to "screw" as many girls as they can so they can be considered "cool" by other men. However, the man/woman who can turn their back on their so called "peers" and not buckle under the pressure is the one who has inner strength that the others will never accomplish as long as they only think selfishly.

I also think men and women cheat while overseas because it's an outlet for their sexual and emotional frustrations, they truly believe that at any moment, their lives might end, and to combat that depression, they find comfort with others sexually. They feel for that moment, everything is going to be okay, even though most of them feel worse after, not better. Humans find comfort from one another, especially with the opposite sex.

If you want to save your marriage, I would recommend getting into contact with your husband as soon as you can, and tell him how much you miss him, how you love him more then anyone else in the world and would never betray his confidence in you, without giving away that you know. Make him think about what he has done, and possibily considering doing again, by showering him with affection and love. He will stop and think really hard about what is most important to him. If he truly loves you and your children, and wants to be with you, he needs to find that strength and turn away from what is being offered by the women over there.

However, if you feel like a divorce is what is needed, take this time while he is gone to get a very good attorney, and start to make the preparations before he gets back. There will be a custody battle for the kids, finances, and other posessions. You have an advantage over him right now if this is the road you choose.

On a personal note, my husband and I have been married for six years, four of those years while he was in the ARMY. When he deployed I thought about the possibilty of him cheating, but when I voiced my concerns and we talked about it, I realized I had nothing to worry about. I could tell from the way he had always acted before and how he treated me, that he just wasn't that kind of man. He had honor and a integrity not many other soldiers have when it comes to their wives.

Think back on how he has handled past situations with you. How has he acted before when a pretty girls talks to him, how does he view women on television that are attractive, or in magazines? These are all clues to what kind of man he is, and how he views your importantance to him in your marriage.

You have a lot to think about, and a big decision to make, but no matter how it ends up, you have the love of your children, and family around you. You are never truly alone in this world.

Answer 3

this is hard on both of you, the seperation. especially if you two were extremely sexually active before. maybe the guys dont always tell the truth with the other guys. if you asked and he says he isnt, you have to put your heart at rest. oh and about the girls that he met on duty, i dont understand. are they the military girls? anyway, if you bring it up as a huge issue, it could put a spike into y our marriage in the worst way. keep your love for him as strong as ever. forget what you heard, and tell him that he leaves his phone on after you two say parting words. i can not say why they cheat when deployed because i have never cheated when deployed.
even after i broke up. sometimes its just stupid stuff that happens. if you want to keep married, try your hardest to overlook this, or you will lose a very important person in your life. best wishes. email me if you want more support. Best wishes.

Answer 4

I am not in the military and mine is not a military family at all. But cheating is cheating and to the way that I think, these men are using the situation that they are in to cheat. I'm sorry but that is what I believe in my heart. You have to sit down now, cry for as long as you need to and then decide what the best thing for you to do is. Now that you know what is going on, there is no going back to the "ignorance is bliss" stage. It will eat you up inside even when he is back home. Find a councilor who is objective and who wants to help you do what is good for you. Take care of yourself. You are alot stronger that you think now. I will hold you in my thoughts and send healing energy your way. Good Luck.

Answer 5

You need to confront him next time you talk to him. Then you need to decide is that's how you want to be treated. It is not acceptable in everyday life, so why is it acceptable just because he is deployed. You have been apart from him for 6 months and you have been faithful. Why can't he?
Now decision time, do you want to stay together and forgive him for all the infidelity, or do you believe that you deserve better. Because I already believe that. It's a hard one, but only you can know what is right for you :)

Answer 6

Being deployed has nothing to do with it. When you are tempted by the sin of lust, either you deny it and stay true to your vows or you throw away your marriage and go for it.
I would divorce him as fast as I could and leave the cheating, lying dog behind. You are nuts to stay with him after what you heard right out of the horse's a** mouth. He has no excuse. The vows he took on your wedding day say until Death do us part, not until I'm deployed and my wife isn't looking.

Answer 7

Wow...I don't know what to say. I am sorry for your position. I don't know that I could give you direct advice on your situation because I haven't been in anything like that. However, I truly think any marriage is savable if both people want to save it.

Answer 8

Can this possibly be true? What are the odds that he never pressed the "disconnect" button on his phone, AND immediately launched into a discussion about all the gals he's slept with.

Sounds phony.

If it isn't, then sorry, but I agree with the other fella who said we can't judge them by our standards. They're going through something over there that we cannot possibly understand.

Answer 9

hey there i'm sorry to hear that you know some thing my hubby deployed right now ppl said he would cheat on me but if they need it that bad god gave them two hands thats what my hubby told me it's not worth messing around he would die know he was with me last not some other chick do what you feel i wish the best for you

Answer 10

living on the edge promotes serious head trips. If we must face death daily, we are apt to live each day fully. I certainly would. Infidelity while in the service in dangerous positions is par for the course. The more dangerous the job, the more apt people are to live, live, live for the moment. You cannot judge others by your standards, for you are not in the place they are in. Ease off, think about it. IF you might die tomorrow, would you spend tonight thinking about your lover who is far away...or would you go out and find a replacement for an hour? I would opt for the replacement. And I would probably be fantacizing my love. I really think that those who have husbands, wives, lovers..who are overseas, should suspend all the jealousy, go about their own lives, and live by their own standards. When the love returns, that is the time to build a married life. Be thankful they could return. So many will not come back home.

Answer 11

if i had a husband like that i would slap him in the face and get divorce i mean why should i live with someone like that if i even try to forget it it will eat me up from the inside.