How do you rebuild marriage after 10 years of affairs and complications?

Question

Just to clarify the situation regarding "How to renew sex life with an unfaithful wife". We are working on Tirust, talking & sex. We have 2 kids (3 & 6 years), she feels that I shutdown & shut her out (which I thnk is true due to denial about accepting a family history of severe depression). My inactivity has also caused money issues. I have made mistakes & made her feel unloved. That's my burden to accept & get through. I feel it drove her out. HOWEVER, I do not take full responsibility for what she did. She made a choice & NEVER use condoms. STD tests were clean.There were conversations that ended unresolved. Her affairs was never one of them. If the kids were not a factor in this my decision would be simpler. We attempted counseling but decided we needed to be certain we both (really her) wanted to be in the marriage or wanted to try again. I would do anything to keep my kids from this pain, they are my soul. And I do still love her. Am I foolish for wanting to save my family?

Answer 1

you cant

Answer 2

No you are not foolish but look at the facts. Beating you head against the wall for the kids will not help them and some acts of heroism borderline stupidity and few ever are climacticly romantic in the end. Look down the road and see the damage that will have to be repaired and the casualties along the way. The welbeing of the kids over rules the family unity by far. The effort that you will expend in worry and agony will take away from the children's lives and the scars will not heal until the smoke clears. They are non deserving of that kind of trauma in the name of family. Take the part of the family creating the disease and cure it or cut it off. Leopards do not change their spots and neither do cheaters. It is a behavioral disorder and if there is not professional help it will continue. It is a sickness and the valor of saving the family is not a worthy endeavor. Cut to problem and count your losses and build from there but nurture the children as they are the impoortant item now not your marriage.

Answer 3

No, your not foolish. But you make it sound as though she may have made a decision not to work on the marriage. You cannot force her to do so. I am afraid that without counseling you will never be able to overcome trust issues. It sounds like counseling would benefit you regardless of her decision. Counseling could help you make your best decision given the external evidence and should your wife decide to work on the marriage with you would place you in a situation where you could most effectively address marital issues and not just your own indecision and/or depression. Get counseling for yourself regardless. Get marital counseling if your spouse is willing to work on it.

Answer 4

There are always complications. Affairs...well...

I would really suggest going back to a counsel's therapy, but state to them you want someone who can be more of a "referee" or "mediator". You sound like your at a point where you need to fight/work out all the crap you did in the past. Most people can't just leave it behind (it isn't always possible). Without that, you're doomed to continually fight in the same way, and going back to the same failures. You sound like your on your way there already...
And tell her that just because your in couples therapy, doesn't mean you'll end up staying together. A good therapist knows that the eventual outcome isn't always the couple staying married. Sometimes it's helping them break up and reaching a happy accommodation that the WHOLE family can be at peace with.

Answer 5

I feel for you, I am going thru the same thing with my husband after 20yrs he walked out on me and our 10yr old son. We are trying to rebuild, we lost our house because of his infidelity/bad judgment and financial mishaps. I also want to give him a chance 4 the sake of our son, but am afraid it will all happen again! I also foolishly love him too! And have a history w/depression, that he said drove him to leave. I too do not feel that I deserved or caused him to do what he did. These spouses had choices and they made the wrong one! (Not our fauld 4 having a certain medical history) I'm sure our spouses family history isn't all that great especially if they did what they did! which shows that they are not very balanced and their moral values are questionable. What ever happend to 4 beter 4 worse in sickness and in health? If you love your wife and children it is worth a chance. Work togeether 2 try and make it work again. If say in 6mo's she's up to her old ways then make alternate plans 4 your self and your children because to keep your eyes closed to her infidelities if they continue, would probably be unbarable. Good Luck, We will need it!

Answer 6

I am a divorced mother of 3. I have been where you are. I found out my ex cheated on me multiple times throughout our marriage and even when we were dating (unprotected every time). I have felt your pain and struggled with the same issues. There is no easy fix to this situation. There are going to be problems with any "solution" you choose.

I feel it is important for you to understand something though. If you and your spouse are unhappy in the marriage, the children will suffer regardless. Nobody should stay married just for the children, it does not work. You need to make your decisions about your marriage based on your marriage and your relationship with your spouse, not because of a sense of duty for the children. You cannot be a good parent if you are trapped in an unhappy marriage. You can be a better parent, if you are happy, even if you are single.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Your wife's affairs are not your responsibility. This doesn't mean you haven't been a contributor to the problems in the relationship. But she made her choice(s). You are not at fault for her choices.

If you both make good faith efforts to make this work it is possible that you can have a great relationship. However, she needs to submit to some true accountability. She has lied to you for 10 years. What is she willing to do to change this? This is a question to work out through a professional counselor.

My marriage didn't last through similar dynamics. So I can assure you that you and your children will be fine.

God bless!

Answer 8

You're braver than I am, hon. Betrayal is the dealbuster in a marriage... and if you two think you are saving your kids from pain, think again.

You raise lots of issues here.... How do you rebuild it? In this case, I haven't a clue... I was outa my marriage the first time he cheated, as in gone, left the state.

Stay in counseling??? You should know that less than 20% survive 3 years after betrayal... from what you have said, neither of you has given 100 % to this marriage.. you with unresolved employment and depression issues, and her feeling unloved and therefore out in affairs.... big errors on both sides reflecting non-commitments..... as I said, stay in counseling..

Answer 9

To stay in that situation just for the kids, is sad, not only for you but for them. How will they know what a functunial relationship is. The fact is she is refusing to get counciling because she is not sure what she wants, that is bull. If she was unsure she'd go, she doesn't want to go b/c she knows then the council will place blame where it belongs on her, not you. You say you love her, is it her or your family, If you could have the family without her in it, would that make you happy. You can't force a person to be a good wife, all you can do is force yourself to see the person for what they truly are.
Good luck, maybe you can go to counciling with out her.

Answer 10

You are not foolish for wanting to save your family as your story sounds exactly the same as mine, except I have three beautiful kids. I feel the same way that my mistakes have driven my wife to cheat on me and not tell me but I found out by taking DNA samples off her underwear because you just have that feeling when it happens and sure enough it did. We tried counseling but it never helped and nothing, I mean nothing, will ever be the same in your relationship. I don't have to go into the details because I know you have experienced the thoughts, fears, jealous fits, maybe depression for yourself and it will slowly return back to normal but it will NEVER be the same. Do you trust your wife? Do you trust your wife's decision to put you and herself at serious risk of catching a life threatening disease? The kids are young and that's good and bad, they might not understand what's going on if you leave but they will miss their Dad. If the kids are a factor you might think about trying to get custody as your wife's judgments will not be looked upon favorably in a court, as my judge said, "Someone who blatantly disregards the safety of themselves cannot be expected to care about others", kids are mine, end of story.

Answer 11

Damn, it sounds like you are really stuck in a dilema. I am always skeptical of men asking for advice because I know that my bf will only tell his side, but you were very up front about the part you felt you played. It sounds to me that you have to really ask yourself can you forgive her and start new. Don't put anything else in the equation. Not the children, the financial issues, or what people close to advise. Can you really in your heart truly forgive this woman and start over with a clean slate? Unless you can forgive her, the healing wont be able to start. I dont believe in staying in a relationship because of children. Children are way smarter than we give them credit for and they know things. Unless you are a superb actor, they will pick up on the tension. And think what that will do to you in the long run. Me personally, I would leave the relationship. If you really love someone you dont cheat. Me and my bf have had severe problems too and I didnt run out and cheat on him. With that being said, to me it all comes down to this one question. Can you really truly forgive her and start over with a clean slate? If it is yes, then go back to counseling and i wish you two the best of luck. If it is no, then make sure you do what is neccessary to be very invovled in your children's lives and move on. ( Oh yeah, i almost forgot. She has to answer that question too! And if it is yes, it has to be match with yours for you guys to have a chance.)