My problem with Porn, why?

Question

Please mature answers only, I will report those whom are rude or whom give answers that are immature.
Ok, I will start by saying, I have a fiance, whom I have been with for almost three years, we have a baby and live together. We are both very involved with one another and deeply in love.
But before we were together, my fiance had a porn addiction and still does. I never had a problem with it, untill we were really together. It made me feel useless, not good enough, angry, jealous, and so on. I am very attractive and very intimate as well as sexual, so I never got why he still needed it, when I would gladly have done anything he wanted, and he knew this.
He toned it down alot since then, and I am happy about it. But still it bothers me. I will sometimes catch myself thinking about it and put myself in a bad mood, or he will say something that relates to porn and it will upset me. I would like to know why I feel this way about porn, when before we met I never had a problem with it.

Answer 1

I have the same issue with my husband. We have been fighting over his looking at porn for 6 years and he hasn't stopped because "I shouldn't be allowed to tell him what to do" (his exact words). I went through a short phase where I tried to find what he was looking at so that I could figure out what he liked. I thought if I provided that for him he wouldn't "need porn". I was wrong. It didn't matter what I did. I have done a little research on this (talked to past addicts). They all say it really doesn't have anything to do with you at all. In fact some of them said if they were married to the porn star they would be looking at pictures of you on the internet. Please don't think badly of yourself. His addiction is no reflection on you at all. He has a problem. The only way I've found to "help" my husband with his addiction is a Porn filter. It's called NETDOG. I guess it works. I haven't seen anything on the computer lately and it doesn't slow down the computer at all. I wish you lots of luck. I know it's extremely difficult to go through.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Some people are voyeurs by nature, they like to watch, they are facinated, intrigued and aroused, there's nothing wrong with this. Me and my wife have been married for 8 years, and we have an open enough relationship that if we find another person attractive, we tell each other about it. It helps that my wife is bi-sexual so if she see's a beautiful woman before I do she'll give me a nudge and say.."MMmm....check her out!" We have been in the swing lifestyle for 4 years, we have no secrets, no jealousy, and rarelly argue. We always practice safe sex with others because we want to live out the rest of our lives without contracting aids. But there are nights where my bedroom looks like a porno movie. In short, instead of condeming him for his "addiction" as you call it, maybe you should be happy that he's not going to swingers clubs and acting out his fantasy's. Maybe he would like to see you with another woman, or even another man. 3-somes are more common than you think now a days. And whats funny, 4-somes are even more common. Because when a couple is really secure with themselves and their sex lives, they find other couples who are the same way. Somewhere in the world its happening right now as you read this. Does it make you horny baby? lol.... just kidding.... hope this helped, dont be too hard on him.

Answer 4

You feel this way now because it's happening with someone you care deeply about. I think what you're feeling is completely normal (and understandable).

Living with an addict of any kind must be a challenge, but I think the porn addiction must be more difficult because there's so much gray area. On one hand, people have come to accept that porn is normal; that women should just "get over it", or that it enhances a couple's sex life. On the other hand, it can be extremely degrading, and when someone chooses pornography over intimacy with the one they supposedly love, the hurt is just multiplied. Defining it as an addiction is not as clear-cut as, say, an alcohol or drug addiction.

If he truly is addicted, then he needs to get help - not because you threaten him or "make him", but because he realizes what a wasteful, purposeless drain it is having on his own life. You alone can not provide adequate motivation for him to make the necessary changes in his life, as the addiction has nothing to do with you in the first place. Please realize this is not about you being attractive or sexual "enough" for him; addiction is far more psychologically complex than that. He may be suffering from intimacy issues, he may have a genetic predisposition to addiction, or there may be other underlying issues causing him to engage in this behavior.

If, on the other hand, you merely don't like that he looks at pornography from time to time, then maybe it is you - not him - suffering from low self esteem or other emotional issues. I personally don't find pornography enjoyable; with the exception of some very well-made, sensual pieces, I think most of it is just painfully sad. But I understand that a lot of men simply don't look at those women (or couples) as "real people"; to them it's just exciting nakedness - a visual aid to "get the job done". It's quite laughable when you think about it.

Bottom line: you need to discuss this with your fiance. Explain to him how this makes you feel. Ask him how he views pornography, what he gets out of it. Don't do this in a condescending or "motherly" way; just have an open discussion about it. Remind yourself that it's NOT about you. If he does have a legitimate addiction, he needs to seek help. Otherwise, I would try to ignore it. If everything else is great in your relationship, a little porn now and then isn't going to interfere.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I must say, there are many good answers here. My experience with it is, I felt like it was a certain degree of disrespect for my feelings. I felt like doing that was taking away part of the relationship. Spending more time w / that than on productive things. It was humiliating in a way because of the effort I was putting forth for us as a couple. Who wants to compete with that?? So after that I always based my standard of love by Persy Sledge's song When a Man Loves a Women. If they act like that okay. If not Pass em by. But that's just me.

Answer 6

There are some things in porn that he could never do with you and most likely never wants to. He has been able to completely separate the exhilaration he gets from porn from the feelings he has for you and you are bothered that he can make that separation. It implies that he could do it with another woman. I do not think he will completely give porn up. He may just get better at hiding it.

You will either have to become more secure about what you and he have or continue to let it come between you.

Answer 7

There's nothing wrong with porn. It's an art just like a painting. Now, some of the more intense stuff pushes boundries. Donkey sex and such, eww.

Personally I appreciate nude modeling quite a bit. I don't watch porn that has penis in it. I know I'd never change it for anyone. Beauty is to be appreciated. It's part of life. Beauty is everywhere, not just in women, but landscapes ect... Some people love a nice sunset. There ya go.

And even after seeing all these other women, guess who he's with.... yep that's you.

Answer 8

Porn is in a different category for him than you are.

He'll never leave you for a porn star- he doesn't want to and he knows that will never happen.

He doesn't want a relationship with those people- he wants a relationship with you- therefore he's with you.

They are "objects" that assist in masturbation... nothing more.

It's sad for the girls in the porn ... but it's unlikely that it will influence his feelings about you one way or the other.

Answer 9

It is because when he looks at porn you feel that he is cheating on you with those women. You also feel that if he was happy with you sexually he would not need porn to excite himself sexually. Personally porn can ruin a relationship. Maybe you can watch it with him to enhance you relationship and show him how it makes you feel when you watch it alone. If he is cool in watching it with you, I would feel better about his committment to you. If he says no that is weird then you must accept the fact he is choosing porn over you. Good luck.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like he could have a difficulty, if he's transforming into indifferent for you and your toddlers. With habit, the undertaking isn't pointed out using fact the guy meets x quantity of standards on a survey, fairly it truly is pointed out using fact it gets interior the way of existence. men love porn so enable him have at it. on a similar time as some human beings, women and men human beings alike, consistent with probability content in our kinfolk, after a definite quantity of time we in basic terms % to work out what else is obtainable, what different everyone seems to be taking area in. no longer something incorrect with that, regardless of the indisputable fact that it ought to be carried out discreetly and with appreciate on your emotions. additionally, while men (very like toddlers) know they're doing something their substantial different does not like, it makes them % to do it that fairly greater. the reality that he sounds like he needs to conceal it from you is a controversy. If he's in basic terms looking, enable him look! something you may try is calling him to return your way a splash- Honey, are you able to preserve your porn surfing for after the youngsters are in mattress and you and that i've got had our time together please? and can you shrink it to basically the internet and not the television (porn on call for is expen$$$ive). If he gets shielding approximately it and could no longer budge, initiate with some extinction. Make existence uncomfortable for him and get his interest. If that still does not artwork- have him confer with somebody. In a courting, no count if there are teenagers in touch, you may desire to have not could desire to compete on your substantial different's affection and interest. tremendously with a porn starlet. if it incredibly is so, i could majorly think back your courting to work out what's lacking and if it truly is fastened. And for the affection of Peter, do no longer enable a guy define the variety you sense approximately your self. i know he's the daddy of your toddlers, yet while it involves your shallowness, you are the only one that could desire to have capability over that. initiate controlling it. wish that facilitates!