Didn't you HAVE A CLUE how your sex life would be BEFORE you married?

Question

And you didn't really have to do "it" all to know. I am always surprised by people who suddenly find their spouses not affectionate or bad in bed. What gives? Is it just an excuse?

Answer 1

People see what they wanna see......and "bad in bed" is a relative term. It is hardly a sudden thing anyway and is often indicative of other issues in the marriage.....BIG GLARING ones.

Answer 2

Actually, I don't find it surprising at all, if I'm understanding your observation correctly.

For a couple who has sex before marriage, it's one thing for one person to realize that her/his spouse is boring or "bad" in bed just, say, one month into the marriage. But to "realize" or experience that same thing, say, five years into the marriage? Ten? Two? That's entirely different, absolutely understandable, and, presumably, very common. As with anything that's longterm and familiar, sexual activity can become boring -- yes, a spouse can become a "bad" lover. It happens when you take your partner for granted, when you're just tired and don't want to exhert a whole lot of energy, when you know *so* well what buttons to push that pushing them becomes something you do almost by rote....etc.

In other words, it just ain't possible to really know now what your sex life with the same partner is going to be down the road. It's all a guess. And if it started out great and exciting both partners have to work to keep it that way.

And for the couple who doesn't have sex before they're married, well, a person can be energetic and great at one thing and lousy at another in the sack. And if there's one sexual activity it's "easy" to be "boring" at, it's intercourse. So yeah, I think it's absolutely valid and possible that someone does "everything but" before the wedding, expects the sex life to be great, and finds later that actual intercourse is a yawner (and both people being novices makes that more probable, not less probable).

I've been married for about a dozen years and with my husband for several years before that; our sex life has changed several times over the years. It's not static. Nothing in marriage is.

Answer 3

No it's not an excuse. Sex is the one thing you have control over in a relationship. It's more about communication and expectations. Often people have expectations that are not communicated. Communication is the KEY to a successful marriage. When expectations are not meant, often people punish the other person by withdrawing as in sex and love or they will even lash out at the other person. Learn the skill of communication early on in the relationship so you will not have all these problems later on.

Answer 4

It's an excuse.

Sex in marriage is awesome, but sometimes people don't feel like they deserve to feel good. Maybe they've gained weight since the wedding (that happens more often than most newlyweds want to admit), maybe the routine gets boring, maybe work is a killer. But good spouses can work their way through it.

After all, who doesn't like to feel good? And with a loving spouse, even if you feel fat, stupid, tired or old when you come home at night, you can feel loved, necessary, beautiful and sexy in the bedroom.

Answer 5

I know people who say it changed for the worst after they got married, but for me it's been just the opposite. It's gotten even better and I didn't think that was possible. I agree with you, unless they are saving themselves of course, they should know if they are sexually compatible before getting married. I guess some people still think that getting married will solve all of their problems or make them better. The truth is for a lot of people, once they're married they stop trying. Stop looking good for each other, stop being so considerate and I guess stop trying in the bedroom, too. The key is to keep acting like you're dating after you get married. You have to continue to romance each other if you want to have a good marriage & sex life.

Answer 6

1. Some people don't have sex prior to marriage, so do not know
2. A lot of people change their ways after marriage (in bed and out)
3. A lot of people's sex drive rises and falls over time (married or not)

Often issues in the bedroom, are just a symptom of issues elsewhere in the relationship anyway...

Answer 7

I don't think that is it, I think that when you no longer enjoy your spouse is because you do not feel the same level of desire, or you have fallen out of love, or all the stresses that you face and responsibilities cause your libido to be effected, I know that with women our state of mind plays a huge role in desire. I know if I am mad at my husband I want to be left alone, not that he is bad, he's not. I don't care how good anyone is, if you aren't in the mood, if you go ahead and have sex when you really don't want to, then yes it would seem bad.

Answer 8

Sex, like anything in a relationship, is something you have to work at to keep it lively. The key to that is communication. Let your spouse know your fantacies and try to help them with theirs. Their are lines that some are not willing to cross, but respect eachothers apprehensions and try to compromise (never in bed (makes it awkward), always before). You may be surprised, if you're willing to share, what sex with your wife/husband can be like.

Answer 9

life does change and sex may not be at the top of the list. When one is having children, working hard to pay the mortgage, and dealing with other personal issues believe me sex is the end all. However the love is there

Answer 10

I think you know what it will be like whether you sleep together before marriage or not. If you have a good relationship with love and communication ... both people should listen to each other's needs and want to fulfill them. I would want to please my husband sexually in whatever way he wanted (unless it was some out there stuff I couldn't stomach) and I would hope that he would feel our relationship is open enough to tell me what he needs and wants and vice versa