I need opinions . . . what was my husband thinking?

Question

I have a single friend that works with my husband. She is desperate to be in a relationship and always thinks that guys like her. However, she revelaed to me recently that when she and my husband met (inititally at work), he thought that she liked him. After the exchanged numbers and spoke on the phone once, he wrote her a letter explaining that he was in a relationship and hoped that they would be friends and nothing more. My husband never told me about this. When confronted, he said that he didn't tell me because he didn't know how I would react. He has also given her two cards on different occasions when she was depressed over her relationship issues. I now feel uncomfortable having her in my home. She swears that nothing has every happened and didn't think this situation was a big deal. But, why didn't he tell me? Why has he allowed this girl to sleep over at our house, have dinner, and watch movies (when I'm there of course) if he thought she liked him?

I do try to set my "friend" up with me. But most of my friends are married already. I don't know. I kinda don't trust her around him because she wants a realtionship soooo badly.

I am not mad at him for the way he handled the situation. I was upset with him for keeping secrets. However, I've let it go. Nevertheless, it is still on my mind and I needed someone else's opinion. Thanks for all of the answers.

Answer 1

First of all, I would be upset about the situation because you shouldn't have secrets between one another. He should have told you at the beginning and give another woman cards is unacceptable friend or not. The only woman should be getting something is you. Far as, you letting this snake in your house that's where you are wrong for opening opportunity for something to happen right under your roof, if it has not already happen and they aren't saying anything to you yet about it. It will come out on mad day and you will be hurt as hell. Let her friendship go, and tell her that you are looking out for your marriage and family, and she is not to be trusted around your family. If it's still bothering you all this time, you know what to do to end this ongoing mental stress you feel about that situation.

Answer 2

At this point he sees her attention as an ego booster for him. But the very fact he didn't tell you and has her around you and your home tells me that he may see her also as a possiblity for an affair if things feel like they are going sour with you. If I was you I would see her presence as a threat even if he doesn't mean it to be. I wouldn't want a potential home wrecker in my home under my nose. It is disrespectful to me and my family. How would he like it if the situation was reversed and you had some "friendly" guy co-worker hanging around that made it clear that he was into YOU? My family is much more important than a friend so I'd quietly but firmly put a lot of distance between her and your family (hubby). If they are together some at work, I'd keep an eye on that as well. Good Luck and I'd also see if there are any other things that he might be omitting telling you as well. Better to be safe than sorry.

Answer 3

Maybe he was flattered by her attention. Sometimes even a wink from another person after you have been married awhile, just makes you feel good. He did set her straight though and I believe men and women can be just friends. Makes it easier because he if friends with her in your presence and you are also her friend. I have been the "single" woman in almost a identical situation. But I never thought about it again after I knew he was married and I met his wife, who to this day is my best friend. And because we are best friends we tell each other everything, I think the men hold back because they are down right scared to mention another womans name for fear of complicating their relationship or scared that they wont trust them. Honestly the biggest turn off to a single woman is usually the words " I am married" . Dont ruin a good friendship, sounds like it was all done honestly.

Answer 4

men are idiots sometimes. my husband is guilty of something similar. he has this friend who is single with 3 boys(all from different dads, which may not be relevant but has something to do with how i feel about her). she was always calling him when she was upset, when she needed something done around the house, or when she needed someone to fix her computer. the first few times he didn't tell me when she called because he thought i would "overreact". no ****? that is exactly what i want, my husband to be visiting a single woman who apparently can't keep her legs closed.

i've realized that men think if they just avoid the confrontation all together, it will just go away. he's thinking "if i don't tell her, she won't find out". he probably enjoys the fact that the woman found him attractive and didn't tell you so they could still hang out. it probably had nothing to do with him being attracted to her, and everything to do with him being flattered.

Answer 5

You should stop making a big deal over it. But you should also stop letting her sleep over and hang around so much. If I were you I would wean myself away from this friend. I would tell my husband that keeping secrets in a marraige is not acceptable and does not help the trust issue. It would be different if he had ''handled'' it right away and there was no further contact with this woman.

Answer 6

He didn't tell you because he knew you would immediately jump to the conclusion that they had slept together and get upset about something that never happened and feelings that didn't exist. He had made his feelings clear to her and they were friends so why not allow her to be a friend. If the you and she had become friends as well he probably thought that she had gotten past her initial feelings and it was truely just a friendship. Now you are reacting exactly like he expected you to react? So, why do you think he didn't say anything??

Answer 7

What was he thinking? He was trying to avoid how you are reacting now. Why are you not proud of how he handled it? He's made a friend. He's made it clear that's all it is. Now you are going to turn it around on him. They have both been totally honest and that still isn't enough. I agree that he should have told you when it happened but I can see why he held back. I think you really need to do some thinking about your own self esteem and trust in him.

Answer 8

your husband is playing wth fire. They have an emotional bond of somekind that can lead to something more if either of them lets their guard down for one minute. Just accepting her phone number in the beginning - he should have made it clear from day one that he was married - if he didn't, then he has shown that he is indeed interested. It's almost like a cat, that keeps it's prey just dangling, so it's their for them to play with at their convenience. I find it difficult to believe that nothing has happened between them. What is going on is not normal in any way, and I think you may want to seriously consider being married to a man who devalues your marriage to this extent

Answer 9

I got the same problem before. The difference the woman never get closer in our house nor I know her. Yes there are letters, cards and tiny presents I found and I confronted my husband. The next day, I asked the woman and her husband to meet us after work and I made my husband choose infront of them. After 3 years we sold our house and moved out of state.

Answer 10

Your husband was probably thinking that he didn't want to be the cause of a rift between you and your girlfriend. He should have told you but it isn't something so bad that you need to hate him. He acted properly with her and acted as a FRIEND (without benefits) to her. She is more than likely very depressed and in a tough place. He was trying to help her out.
She is your friend, too. Why weren't you setting her up with single guys so she would not WANT to be around your husband?