Brother in law is cheating. How do I approach his wife to give her emotional support, or do I not?

Question

My husbands brother is cheating on his wife of 8 years, they have four children together. We spend lots of time with them and are close. He had been taking these weekly "vacations" he doesnt even give a good excuse. All of this happened after he began losing massive amounts of weight, he was FAT and now hes normal!

Now his wife is continuing on with her duties and living in sadness. She works like 70 hours per week, her live in mom takes care of the children. SOOOO? There is supposed to be a family reunion with loads of people at their home soon, how am I supposed to behave?

I dont know how to treat him, and I feel the need to hug her and let her know she can talk to me anytime about her feelings....but I dont want her to know that I know.

HIS mom, my husbands mom told us. I dont even know how she knows, but my heart just aches over the whole thing. Their youngest child is 3, and he has been missing his daddy while away on all these "vacations".

I think she knows already, I mean how could she not- right? He cheated in the past once before, like in the first year but this is the first time since I believe. So Im not worried about having to tell her the news, but I do want her to know I support her. My husband is pissed at his brother as well, so is their mom...I dont know who else knows.

Answer 1

Wow. this is a tough-ie.

However, here's a piece of advice: If you want to help your friend, do so in such a way as to not make their troubles - your troubles.

You can casually mention that she looks like she is under a lot of stress lately and if there's anything she would like to talk about - you're there for her. Leaving the door open that much is about all you can really do. When/if she's ready, she'll open up.

As for Hub? Well, at least be polite. Don't get too personal and don't ask about the vacations.

At the reunion? well, again, keep your distance - but don't be overly cold either. Just mingle with a lot of others and keep the conversation as light as possible.

Answer 2

I think I would wait until I had a few minutes with her when no one else was around and let her know how much she means to you and Craig. And how happy you are that she is in your life. And that you realize how hard she works and how she doesn't have the support system she needs so if she ever needs any help to always feel free to call because she is so very special.

Answer 3

Ask her if she wants to just hang out with you. Go to a spa and get away. If she wants to talk, then she will. If she doesn't at least you gave her some time to get away from it all. And treat him like your brother-in-law. It's not up to you to punish him. You can mention how awesome you think his wife is. But if anyone talks to him, it whould be your husband. Tell him to approach it from the perspective of the kids if not from the wife.

Answer 4

if you,your husband,and his mom know about his affair,you would all be quite right to face him with it,it sounds like his poor wife does need support,when your all that close,she won,t want to upset anyone,plus the fact she has 4 children,but it really has to be done,if it was only you that knew about it,i would say not to get involved,but when you all know,he has to be faced with it,and questioned about it,as he,s done this before i would never trust him again,and she would have been quite right not to,he,ll keep on doing it,once forgiven,will always cheat,he,s proven that,he does,nt deserve a wife like he has,70hrs a week,how many hrs does he work? he may think he does,nt see her enough,some men are like that,instead of talking to her,and working around it,he,s chosen the cheats way out,it should be brought out love,because he may plan to leave her one day and she wants to be prepared for it.He,s really having it all,if i was his mother,i certainly would let him know that i know all about it,especially when children are involved,have a talk between yourselves,i will almost certainly say she knows about her husbands dirty deeds.

Answer 5

Best just act as you normally would. Get your husband to talk to his brother and tell him he's being unfair to his wife and kids. Unless it becomes common knowledge from experience i would say better keep out of it because you know who will get the blame don't you- and it won't be the brother in law.

Answer 6

If it was my sister in law, I would tell her if she doesn't know already. If she does know, I would just go to her and offer my support. Encourage her to divorce the bum. I would sure want some one to tell me if they knew for sure it was going on. What he is doing is wrong, telling her and offering support is the right thing to do. It doesn't matter in the least that he is your husband's brother. That should not stop you from doing what is right.

Answer 7

Don't say anything to his wife. Everyone always says "well if it was me, I'd want to know". No you wouldn't, not really. Actually, she probably already suspects it. Just let it be, it's their business, not yours. Let them work it out between them. If she never finds out, maybe he'll come to his senses someday and stop and she'll maybe not get hurt. Don't be the bearer of bad news. If you go to the reunion and he's there, be cold to him. He'll know you know without you having to say anything. But be very quiet about it. I think that's the best way to handle it.

Answer 8

Typical male....he looses weight and thinks he's gods gift to women. I knew a guy where I used to work that did the same exact thing. He lost tons of weight, stopped paying attention to his own wife, and cheated on her with many women, and then divorced and now remarried and probably cheating again.

I would probobaly tell.

Answer 9

This sucks for her and I see your point but he's your husband's brother. You're stuck with him, not her, after the divorce. You can talk to her if you want and try to offer comfort but the reality is that your husband is related to his brother IN FACT not his sister IN LAW.

Answer 10

If you are going to say anything to anybody, go to your brother in law, tell him you know what he has been up to and tell him if he doesn't tell his wife what he has been up to, you will!!!!!!!
The wife may already know but, she may be humiliated beyond belief if she thinks you all know too!