Just recently married and having some issues?

Question

I would like to know if I am in an abusive relationship. Is it something I'm doing? What should I do?

1) My Wife (Girlfriend at the time) thought I was cheating on her, so she slapped me in my face, spit in face, and cut my shirt off with a knife.
2) My brother committed suicide some time ago. When my wife got mad at me she put a bag over her head and said "maybe I should kill myself like your brother did"
3) She regularly says I'm gay, mother f-er, not manly, etc. whenever we argue. These would just be regular disagreements, but she escalates them with this type of behavior. She explodes on me and then blames me for it.

I don't know what I should do. I tried to get her to go to couples counseling, but she stopped going after the counselor wanted to work on her anger. She refuses to go back. I will not live like this. This is normal behavior in her family. They actually laugh at this type of communication. I was not raised this way. What should I do?

Answer 1

I'm sorry but I don't know what you should do. But I can answer your other questions-

1) Yes I think you are in an abusive relationship.
I have a family similiar to hers that behave the same way, and I agree with you, she is communicating the wrong way. It sounds like she is verbally abusive, by calling you gay and a mother******. I am only 16, but I would never talk to my husband this way if I had one. I don't know if other people categorize this as normal or not, but I don't. It is not good communication and you should always work out disagreements in a healthy way. Plus cutting up your shirt, spitting on you, and slapping you is also kind of abusive and if you didn't cheat on her then she shouldn't have done it. Putting a bad over her head and saying "maybe I should kill myself like your brother did" is a really really bad thing to do. This person was your brother, and he probably meant a lot to you, and to joke/ mock about something like that is wrong because it is hurtful and it is talking about a very sensitive incident that happened.

2) I don't think it is something you're doing.
If you weren't cheating on her then I don't think you did anything wrong. You didn't mention what you had disagreements about but it seems like she is the one escalating it. I think if you find yourself in a disagreement, the best thing to do is to not yell and try to see her point of view, but overall, it seems like you aren't doing a lot wrong because everyone gets into disagreements sometimes but the best thing to do is to work things out and the way she is reacting to disagreements is not good and it doesn't allow anything to be resolved.

I think you should try to help her and get through it. See if you can convince her to get help for her anger. Maybe leaving her and living somewhere else for a while will help her see that she has a problem and she may be willing to get help after that. But if she doesn't change, I'm sorry, but the next option is an enullment or divorce.

I don't know if this helps but I have been in abusive relationships and it does sound like it fits under verbal abuse. I don't know what you should do about it, sorry, but I hope this helps and I hope everything works out 4 you! =)

Answer 2

Well I have a couple of questions: Did you give her a reason to think you were cheating on her? But cutting your shirt off with a knife is just scary. When someone you love commits suicide, no one should ever joke about that! That's something very hard to even comprehend. Mental abuse, saying that you're not a man and stuff like that can really bring you down emotionally. If she refuses to go to counseling and work on this, then it's gonna be really hard for you two to work on your marriage. There has to be comprimise and give and take. If you're willing to give and take but she's not, it's not the best idea to stay in this relationship.

Answer 3

Yes, you have an abusive relationship. If she was not like this before you married, as you seem surprised, I suspect she has issues about the marriage and is striking back at you because she is having second thoughts about the marriage. My advice to you---don't wait for it to get better, and file for divorce. My sisterinlaw was in an abusive relationship from the beginning, thought it would get better. Finally after 17 years of marriage, the dept. of human services forced the issue when the kids complained about the abuse to their school. But she had 17 miserable years, and the kids suffered from the abuse too.
You are just recently married, and now is the time to act to get out of it. No reason to take this crap off of anyone, and you can't expect it to get better if she is refusing counseling. You gave her the chance to change, she did not. Take a deep breath, and make the right move. You should file before she does, considering the abuse you have put up with.

Answer 4

I would get out of the relationship. Your wife has some issues that she should be working, but apparently doesn't think she needs since she won't go to counseling. It appears that she has no respect for you and your feelings based on what you have said and that does not equal a healthy relationship.

You must have liked something about this woman at one time to marry her, but something has changed or you did not see. It is a hard decision to leave someone, but I would agree that you are in an abusive relationship and you will be much better off getting out now.

Answer 5

It truly sounds like she has some anger issues. No surprise she didn't want a counselor pointing that out to her!
I think there is something wrong with someone who clearly intends to hurt someone by using their past that they have no control over (your brother's suicide). I also think there is something wrong with someone who can't get mad and express their anger without using personal attacks.
I don't have a suggestion for you other than to get out if she is unwilling to work on these issues but you do need to consider this trend in her family. Do you really want to live like this and possibly bring children into this environment? If she is unwilling to recognize and then modify her behavior, it would seem this is the only solution.
She could also have some sort of mental issues, these commonly run in families (meaning they are usually genetic) so that could explain why her family behaves this way as well. The problem is, you can't get her help if this is the case without her realizing this herself. You're in a very bad predicament but you still have to do what is right for you and your well-being. After all...it might take you leaving (or enough people leaving as no one would want to be around someone who acts this way) for her to realize she has issues.
I would also have to asks, and I mean no disrespect, but why would you ever marry someone who spit in your face?

Answer 6

Well, you are right. This is not normal behavior, for any woman. She should definitely not be treating you this way. What do you do when she does this? Do you let her walk all over you? I'm not suggesting to fight back, but something needs to be done. Try asking WHY she does this. WHY she wants to make you feel so low. WHAT she wants out of this marriage. Make her understand that you will NOT live your life in this manner. Make her understand that it is completely ridiculous and that you deserve better. Tell her if something does not change, you are prepared to put an end to this abusive relationship.
I hope this helps some. You are in a horrible situation. If all else fails, please get out. You deserve so much better, and should live a long happy life with someone who respects you. Even if that is only yourself. Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Why in the world did you ask her to marry you? Did you expect her behavior to suddenly change when the ring got on her finger. You are in for aVERY LOOONG and unhappy marriage. I'm not an advocate for Divorce, but all the signs point to that. It's not just a communication problem. You knew exactly what you were marrying, so don't try to sound surprised now! You may need to speak to a counselor to work out why you would choose to be with someone like that. Your should be in counseling and you should be attending church. You need God's guidance through this thing.

Also, PLEASE DON'T HAVE KIDS UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED. Don't subject innocent child to unneccesary abuse.

Answer 8

Short answer: yes, you are in an abusive relationship.

Longer answer: I think I have to envoke my own rules of engagement here: there should be deal breakers and when a line is crossed, bets are off. My feeling about marriage is that once the vows have been broken, the wounded party is allowed to walk away if he/she needs to. If your wife is emotionally and physically terrorizing you, there is nothing wrong with packing a suitcase and taking some time away, even leaving. I don't see the point of staying in a relationship that is making one party miserable and doing nothing to help the abuser. If there is a way to get her help (which she obviously needs), try. If you love her, don't make that an excuse to ignore your own self respect and potential happiness. And, I am so sorry about your brother.

Answer 9

You are in an abusive relationship, verbal abuse, which could escalate into physical.

You don't hit one another, not in anger, you don't spit, you don't threaten, you don't make fun of the difficult times others have experienced.

When married you are there to be an extension of the other, the two halves which complete the circle and make you a couple.

This isn't a marriage it is a circus, and I would say get out now before you bring poor innocent kids into this mess.

Good luck!

Answer 10

It sounds like she has some real issues. She is the female version of most men who are possessive and abusive. The comment she made about your brother was just wrong. If you are cheating on her or have lied or betrayed her in some way, and thats the reason she acts like that, then maybe you deserve the smacking and yelling. If not, then she is wrong. Then I say leave her and get a divorce, then you may want to think about getting a restraining order against her! She sounds like she could be dangerous to you or possibly herself. Protect yourself against crazy people! Best wishes.