I only found out last month ongoing affairs have been happening for 10 years on and off ( one SERIOUS one ended last month). We are trying to work things out (not sure what that means yet) but we are still affectionate and attracted to each other sexually. Apparently conversation and common OTHER interest are where I fell short. But sex is the odvious payoff for meeting someone's other needs. When I'm with her now, how do I get the faces (who I have unsuspectedly met and hung out with with her), names and images of her actions out of my mind so I can try to be with her and start over?
2007-07-06 08:31:46 · 42 answers · asked by betrayedX 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
um have sex with her
then after the sex say.. you know
I think it's time for a divorce
heh
and say you want a wife that is faithful
and your tired of her crap !
haha
Good luck@!
2007-07-06 08:36:53 · answer #1 · answered by Makai 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I read through everyone's advice and there is enough for you to think about.
When I was 3 I loved hamburgers, but if I once thought about the cow, and got a picture of that cow in my head I couldn't eat it. Do you how hard it is not to think about something? And that is my point. You can't not think about something.
No one can fully meet the needs of another human being.
Just because you couldn't meet all her needs (which you apparently weren't aware of) doesn't make it right for her to go off with others. 10 years is a long time of cheating.
If you want the marriage to work for something other than sex then I think those who have suggested counselling are on the right track.
But the question is, how committed is she to being faithful?
How much does she want a monogamous marriage to work? How much responsibility is she taking right now about her actions? The point here is that you can't change her. She has to want to.
What do you want out of your marriage? Sex as a payoff is not a healthy response in my book.
I think you are on the right track about other common interests. If you don't have any, you need to develop some. You need to take your part of the responsibility.
I hope you two can work out your relationship. I think that staying married to one person is very important. So, yes,
I'd get some good solid counselling. But find the right reasons to stay married--the right reasons for both of you.
Maggie
2007-07-06 09:13:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
10 years of cheating and you are still willing to give her another change? You are a much better person than I could ever be.
I would not like the fact that she was lying, cheating, and basically leading a double life while I went off to work to support us.
I would have a problem not seeing the faces, or not wondering what they did, what I didn't do, and how I could change to keep her at home.
When in fact most likely, it isn't you that needs to change, it is her - if she truly cared, she would have come to you, and talked with you about what needed to be worked on, and you would have done it as a couple. What did the affairs resolve? Nothing, other than you feeling guilty and her receiving pleasure.
Re-think the situation and reach down, deep inside, and see if you can trust her again, try couples counseling, to see if what she tells you is the true reason for her affairs.
Good luck to you!
2007-07-06 08:36:51 · answer #3 · answered by ♥ ♥Be Happi♥ ♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh my. Talk about awkward and difficult.
I'm sure others in similar situations have gotten back into the swing. Do you want to? Gratification is there but I think the intimacy and love feelings will be shot. What's going on in her head? What is she thinking about? Have you cheated so are you both on a level playing field? Any children--they should be important to you both.
So many factors--cannot give a facile answer. What do you want out of this--stay together at any price?
You need to get to a counselor--quickly. Sort things out. You have a predicament--worse than any I ever faced.
I wish you both the best and hope there is a mutually satisfying outcome. Hope you let everyone know how it works out.
2007-07-06 08:43:50 · answer #4 · answered by Topsail 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude, are you friggin serious or just severely desperate? This broad cheated on you numerous time and you seem to be OK with it? Well if you don't mind the cheating, which WILL continue, believe me it will, then more power to you. If you are OK with sloppy seconds then go for it. She has made you believe you were mainly responsible for her selfish behavior and now that she knows you are accepting of this crap she will simply continue doing it knowing there will be no serious repercussions from it. So you and she enjoy the open relationship and hope that one day she doesn't bring home a great STD to show as an appreciation for letting her cheat. Oy Vey!
2007-07-06 09:53:26 · answer #5 · answered by mcbobly2001 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't rush it; you could do more harm than good if you aren't careful. Why are you rushing back into her arms, anyway? She CHEATED on you. Physical intimacy is only one component of a relationship and you need TRUST to get it. Right now I don't think you trust her and she sure as heck hasn't done anything to earn it.
Work on the foundation of the relationship (trust, resolving feelings of anger and betrayal, honesty) and take your time getting back in bed with her.
YOU DID NOT FALL SHORT AND IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. People say that they cheated because they didn't get what they wanted at home. That is a bunch of self serving crap. People cheat because they are selfish and immature. Did she tell you you weren't giving her these things so you could start doing them? Probably not. She probably decided to just have an affair because you weren't "taking care of her needs." If you don't like seafood and she makes it for dinner do you tell her you don't like it or do you stay out and go to McDonalds without telling her you don't like seafood?
She went to McDonalds while you sat at home with salmon.
Everyone rushes to get back to bed with someone. Until you solve all of the other issues (like do you really want her back?) you will still see the other faces.
2007-07-06 08:40:29 · answer #6 · answered by Someone somewhere doing something 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You cant, especially if they are still part of either of your lives. Time is what it is going to take and if you can manage it a move. Get out of the area or at least out of that neighborhood if you cant leave your job or she cant leave hers. If these are people either of you worked with that is going to cause a problem later on and may need to be addressed at some point
2007-07-06 08:35:03 · answer #7 · answered by dave n 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are a *fool* if you wish to renew a sex life with an unfaithful wife.
You won't be the first or the last so at least you'd be in good company if you do.
John Lucas
2007-07-06 08:41:41 · answer #8 · answered by johnlucas31320 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nothing changes unless SOMETHING changes. She will cheat again if you don't figure out why she cheated on you to begin with, so I would start with that. She may not even fully know why. I would seriously suggest that she get some therapy on the side and then ya'll get therapy together after it is pinpointed what is causing this to happen. Good luck.
2007-07-06 08:37:14 · answer #9 · answered by Corona 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know. I can't imagine. Kudos to you to want to make it work. If it was me, these images would haunt me I think, and totally get in the way of a normal, trusting relationship. Especially since you're talking about 10 years - not 10 days.
2007-07-06 08:34:45 · answer #10 · answered by yogi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are either a sucker or a stand up guy. But you should probably get some professional help to work through this and find out why she strayed in the first place. Then you can start rekindling the affection.
2007-07-06 08:34:24 · answer #11 · answered by Blade_III 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋