I'm getting married on Oct...but the one in my past that got away....?

Question

So, I'm getting married this Oct. to the best man I've ever met. Honest, kind, sincere, loving...opens doors for me, flowers every other week, provider, etc. It was almost hard to settle with him because I'm the girl that goes for the challenge and he's so wonderful. But, I wisened up and told myself I was stupid to let him go and it's actually a good thing to not have to be worried about the security of our relationship.
My question is, I have this one relationship in my past that was filled with drama and pain, but was so passionate and deep. We never actually got the chance of a full fledged relationship because there were too many things in our way. If we were together, we would have caused pain in other people's lives and everytime we tried it, it was just too much work, but it wasn't because we didn't love each other intensely. Is it common to have that ONE relationship in your past that still weighs on you...even when you're marrying someone else?

Answer 1

no, but what is common is self doubt as you start to make a change in your life, and that's what your planning in a couple months.

If your wondering about this relationship. Read "SMART LOVE" by Dr. Phil
In the book he helps you define what is Important "TOO YOU" before you say I DO.

Knowing this it helps you take a step back and look at the relationship in a critical light. with out the rose colored goggles that is common in newly weds.

Then I suggest you read books to help keep your marriage strong.

Women power, and his Needs, her Needs, and The 5 love languages do this.

They help you identify things that lead to couples being unfaithful, and can offer usefull suggestions to avoid those pitfalls. your still gonna hit the pot hole or 3, but you will have the ability to stay on the highway and avoid the ditch.

God Bless on your new life, and stay focused.

Answer 2

It is so weird that your name is Michelle because that is my name and I feel like you just told my story, except that I am way far ahead of you. I had a relationship like that-our connection was/is so strong that I could "feel" if he was nearby or if he felt bad. Unfortunately, like you said, stuff kept getting in the way. Also, I came from a family where as a woman, the most important thing that you could do is get married and have children, as soon as possible, so when I was almost 20 and another guy came along that was older and ready to get married and have children, I married him (all the while, hoping that my other guy would stop the wedding, but he didn't-later told me that he wanted to, but didn't think that it was his place). Anyway, had two wonderful children and husband is a decent husband. Tried to stop thinking about the other guy, but couldn't, so after 9 years of not seeing him (but still thinking about him and "feeling" him all the time), I had the opportunity to go see him and I did. Long story short, I can't destroy my husband with divorce, but I never stopped loving the other guy (and I don't think he ever stopped loving me-is currently going through divorce and I am the only one that he feels comfortable talking to), so I get to live in misery until something gives. So anyway, my advice would be to seriously rethink your current relationship before you get married to save a lot of confusion and heartache later. I've been married for 12 years and just can't go through with breaking it off, even though my thoughts are constantly filled with my love for the other guy, and I feel that no there is no solution that would be fair to anybody, so I just try to get by day to day.

Answer 3

Everyone has a "what if" person. Its ok to feel that way. Just remember there is a reason you are no longer in that past relationship regardless of the times when it was "good". Why don't you try to bring some of the things that you liked from your past relationship into this one. You mentioned that you were getting married and could it be that you are nervous (subconciously) about commiting you life to one man and that you may never experience those things again? Trust me, the things that you are remembering are alot better in your head than they actually were...good luck and follow your intuition where ever that may lead you.

Answer 4

well, yes it is common but usually because it ends before you get what you thought would be a perfect relationship - you did not get to get into it far enough to see how it would really work so you are filled with what if's. here is one, what if it ended up that he was not the one, what if after getting into the relationship you guys just fought and all this other baggage was always more important to him than to you? what if he just up and left one day, what if the passion was only because of the drama. my point is it is easy to focus on what may have been, be happy for the man you have now, and realize that if this relationship was right and the guy wanted to be with you - he would not have gotten away..

Answer 5

Oh my, you just explained exactly how I feel today. I have a 2 year dreadful divorce becoming final. He was a severe alcoholic and the biggest part of the 12 years we were together was pure hell on us and family. I have met just the man you are describing to be awesome. I didnt think they made them soooo good. I'm feeling very sad that I have wanted the divorce more than anything for 2 years and now that the final days are near, I almost want to back up a bit.

Answer 6

I had a similar situation.

I was head over heals in love with a girl in high school. We were together for 4 years including 2 years after graduation.

Something very bad happened while we were in school and it prevented us from remaining together. We broke apart and I was devastated, never being sure why it happened.

Two years later I married a nice woman.

Twenty three years after that, my old flame resurfaced and all hell broke loose.

She and I both divorced and were married 2 years ago.

My first marriage was not a bad marriage. It was just the wrong one.

Please make absolutely sure everything is resolved with the first guy before you go for "comfortable".

.

Answer 7

I don't know about weighs on you. I think its common to have good memories of a special past love. I have one myself.
But you sound unsure about whether you think your marriage is right for you? As far as what someone else thinks of a relationship, its your life and no one will pay the consequences of decisions but you. So decide based on what you think, not on someone elses acceptance or lack of it. It sounds like it was a lady love. Women love drama, but it is usually pretty passionate. If I am wrong, sorry, oops! LOL. Hugs, Silky

Answer 8

If your dwelling on the "drama" of that relationship maybe your caught up and needing it, not on purpose. Maybe you should seek counselling, look at your past was there drama, violence, disfunction in your childhood life? Cause if you are somehow used to this and you marry this guy something inside you is going to miss the old and you may even find yourself insiting problems or sabotaging your relationship without even being aware. Sort yourself out before you get married.

Answer 9

Yup. I think everyone has a soul mate but that doesn't mean they are the best mate. There's an email that goes around saying something like people are either a reason, a season or a lifetime. Reason-they serve a purpose for you, teach you something, Season-period in your life like college, or Lifetime~forever
If your fiance is your lifetime, remember the past is your reason. Learn from that love and don't make the lesson repeat itself.

Answer 10

I think so. But you have to make sure that relationship stays in the past. Don't marry this guy if you have any thoughts of getting back together with your ex. You know he's trouble and you know this guy is good for you and you love him, right? Then make sure you don't hurt the new guy.