Ok, so what should I do??

Question

I have seen and answered a lot of these kinds of questions so I thought I would get your opinions.

I am not happy in my marriage (you regulars will know that already). For those of you have are familiar with my posts, you will have a better understanding but I will try to give enough details here. I don't feel loved. My wife was living with her mother still (at age 22ish) when we met. We moved out of her mothers house and have been together ever since (15 years now). Our sex lives had gone from typical (a couple or three times a week) down to only once every 2-3 months. I almost left end of last year. She was always unhappy. Now she seems to be in a better mood most of the time. Sex is up to once a week, but is cold and emotionless. She acts like I matter, but even that feels fake. I am still unhappy and can't talk to her because she takes what I say and uses it to attack me.........more coming.

She does not want to put forth any effort for anything. Her perfect life is to spend all day sitting around doing nothing. Her car is not in good shape, but as mine is a stick she won't drive it (too much effort to get used to shifting gears). She complains about being fat and out of shape, but won't even use the ab roller *she wanted me to get out of the attic. She never intiates our intamacy. All the foreplay is on my part save a minute or two of her touching me. I can't tell her anything because she takes every as negative and reacts as I said above. I am miserable to the point of not wanting to be alive. I love her and that is why I am still with her. I have been very tempted to find the affection I need elsewhere but have not yet. So, tell me what a bad person I am, or what I should do, or whatever comes to mind after reading this.

I have suggested counseling and she "agreed" but I told her to set up an appointment (to see if she was willing to put in any effort) and she never did. Plus she said she was not going to discuss anything from her past which is where a lot of her unhappiness and sexual hang-ups originate.

It is not the quantity but the quality of the sex that really hurts. I make love so there needs to an emotion there. With her there is not, no emotion, no passion, no desire, just a physical act. That also makes finding the affection I need elsewhere very difficult as I do not have many (like 1 to be honest) women with whom I am close enough to even consider making love.

Answer 1

this is a tricky one. You poor thing, you sound like a loving, caring husband. She clearly has a lot of problems but you have tried everything to help her. Maybe you should show her this, or if she'd get mad at you for posting it, write all of this down in a letter format. Maybe she'll listen then and realise that you really care about her and want to help.
You love her so maybe leaving her isint a good idea. But your very unhappy too. Id put a time limit on it, like maybe 3 months or something.
Write the letter, make a huge effort to show her how unhappy you are and that you dont want to spend the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship. Tell her she must change and that you'll help her along the way. If none of this works I suggest you leave her after the time limit.
After all, you have tried helping her, you seem like a genuine, caring person and you deserve to be happy. I hope this helps and I hope she listens and gets her act together. good luck

Answer 2

Be brave and get marriage counseling. Encourage her to go with you so that you can explore what is going on in your relationship to help improve things or end things without misunderstandings. If she refuses to go to counseling with you, see your pastor, priest, rabbi instead. If she still refuses and won't talk honestly about it you are probably at the end of the marriage.

Don't be hung up on the number of times you have sex and point to that as the cause of the trouble in your marriage. If that's the only thing that is bothering you I can guarantee that she has other reasons than that. Working through your problems together can actually improve the sex between the two of you.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Marriage is a two-way street...and she is very complacent. I think you need to point this out to her, or, better yet, have a marriage counselor point it out to her.
Sometimes, both men and women, get so used to thinking in certain patterns that they can't see the light of day. That doesn't mean that they can't be shown "the light" (no, not in a religious sense) and a counselor sounds in order to help open her eyes...
Don't give up and don't have an affair, exercise every possible way of trying to save this marriage since you love her. Tell her that! Tell her that you love her, and that you feel a counselor is in order to save your marriage.
In the end, if it doesn't work out, be a better man and just divorce her instead of an affair, ok?

Answer 4

Get counseling....more

Stop beating yourself up, focus on positive things. Now get practical, what are you going to lose if you get a divorce...at least half, if not more. do you have children? You are gonna be at a different (lower) standard of living.


Think with your head, not with your heart, emotional reactions will bring you down, fast.


Talk to a counselor, therapist, your pastor or priest, they will be able to be objective and help you sort things out rationally.


God Bless, and good luck


PS: Dude, the grass is NOT greener!!

You set up the appointment, take initiative you own self, do not assign all of the blame to her.

Answer 5

I think that you should write her a letter and express to her everything that you just said here. Plan a weekend getaway for the two of you. Don't give up. You know that you want her in your life and I'm sure she wants you. She might suffer from depression or side affects of birth control. She may need a low dosage of some anti-depressant medicine. I hope you work it out.

Answer 6

Well seems like she is trying even if it seems fake. You need to keep an open mind and give her a chance and you need to reciprocate. Get some professional help to get you both on the right path. Do keep in mind that relationships only work if both partners are willing to try.

Answer 7

She is looking to you for her total happiness. That is unfair, she is never going to be happy until she is happy with herself. She needs counseling and LOTS of it. She is dragging you down with her. You can't fix the relationship without her willingness to try. If you do stay, you need to find outside interests to make yourself happy. Being with such a negative person is going to drive you insane. Life is too short and precious to be wasted.

Answer 8

well the 1st thing that comes to my mind is have you 2 ever been to counseling? have you ever talked about going, maybe that could help..the 2nd thought was going on your own way if she isn't willing to put forth any effort into your marriage. sorry to say that .. good luck to you

Answer 9

Sounds to me like she's afraid she can't get anyone else if she leaves you so she just keeps you around so she won't be alone. That's one of a woman's biggest fears is being alone. If you're not happy leave. If you live like that it's no bodies fault but your own.

Answer 10

Make the counseling appointment yourself, tell her when it is and if she really wants to work it out she'll attend it with you. Tell her you think it's important to work this out before everything gets worse.