I've tried everything, what should I do now?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We have children together. For the past few years we have had major problems. We have gone to only one session of counseling and I felt it really helped and wanted to continue. This was months ago and everytime I ask him when are we going back he simple says, "he's not the soul bearing type of person. He does not like people asking him questions repeatedly. Then he says, he does not feel it is that serious, we have other things going on in our lives". My thing is, if he feels like this, then he is not serious about working out our problems. We have tried it our way: just talking it out, but it results in bigger fights. I really don't know where else to turn or what else to do. I am even at the point to where I don't feel love for him anymore. I don't think I can give what I am not getting. Am I wrong? What is there left to do?

The issues are: he is verbally,mentally and sometime physically abusive. He has questionable relationships with outside females. During the last session, he admitted to bad mouthing me to some of these females, so I feel he is refusing to go out of fear for exposing more info. He may feel pressured to confess more details than what he says is true.

Answer 1

You can't change him, but you can work on you.
Go to counseling yourself and see if there are areas you can improve on to be a better person and wife and see if that gives him the motivation to be a better husband too.

Answer 2

You could try reading books on "conflict resolution". He would need to read them too. If he agrees, get two copies, read the chapters at the same time and have discussions on the chapters together or at regular intervals.
That's a kind of counseling at home and the objective person is the author. That doesn't mean that you will always agree with the author, that's fine, and not as important that you and your husband agree with eachother.
If he won't do this, then he isn't willing to try very hard to work on your relationship, and I would tell him that.
You said that you have had "major problems". Major problems means that they need to be worked on, and majorly! Therefore, I'd tell him that a passive reactive approach to your problems doesn't work, and that you need proactive measures. If not the books, then insist upon the counseling. My bet is that he will go for the books over having to tell a stranger his problems, especially if it is a female counselor.
Read several book on conflict resolution...or if you do go back to counseling or think of going back, make sure it is a male so that he feels more comfortable. Maybe the suggestion of a male counselor will be enough to get him to go if the first one was female.
p.s. I see that several people have suggested that you go to counseling alone. Well, that's you working on the relationship and not him, and very difficult for the psychologist to understand the situation without two points of view. However, it can help you to feel better, and yes, to work on yourself. But I think my point is that he needs to be involved in resolving your conflicts too, not just you doing all the work.

Answer 3

Sometimes when we write things down , we get a clearer picture of what is really going on. Did you read your question ? Do you think you can fix this. or change him , or do you think this is some how your fault. Go up on Oprah.com, find past shows about women who live in abusive relationships. everyone of those women thought they could fix it, they all now know that is impossible. They changed their thinking and got out of the relationship, you can also. you can not fix this because it is too big of a problem, and he would have to become accountable before anything would change.
Here is hoping you clear up your thinking.

Answer 4

You need to find out if the feelings that you now have for him it could be fix,and you could probably find that out with counseling,this is what you need to tell to your husband.If there's no love and your not even trying to go to counseling because he doesn't want ,this marriage is not going anywhere,is only gonna get worst.Give him an ultimatum,I know that you have kids and it wont be easy,but it would be worst if your kids see you guys fighting and it will only make you mad and take it on the kids or something.Give him the ultimatum,tell him either counseling and try to fix this somehow,because things are not normal between you guys or getting separated.I hope this helps!!

Answer 5

I'm afraid I don't go for counseling either, so I understand him. Give him an ultimatum...tell him you are losing love for him. If he is not interested in improving the situation, ask him for a trial separation. If you can't talk without arguing, then write down all the pros and cons of your relationship. Ask him to do the same. Then you can show each other what you want changed, in an adult discussion. If he refuses, then I'm sorry, but it would be over for me.

Answer 6

Go to counseling by yourself. You can try to find the issues that you have and then take that home and talk to him about them. A counselor can help you find ways to express your feelings that won't come out like you are nagging or whining. If he really doesn't want to fix the issue, then it might not work, but at least you can say you tried before you decide wheter to seperate or what not.

Answer 7

Well if you tried everything and nothing is working then it's probably time to pack up and leave. Doesn't sound like your very happy and if you don't feel love for him anymore then your just going to be miserable if you stay and this will probably cause more fights and he will just keep cheating on you. Who wants to stay with a man who bad mouths you to other women?? This is your Q to leave, you don't deserve that and you'll probably be happier and better off without him!!

Answer 8

Get Out...

If he is abusive you should not be with him. I have read that those things progress to worse as time goes by.

Do you really want to be diminished and beaten? Do you really want to feel misserable for the rest of your life.
What kind of upbringing is that going to give to your kids?

Good Luck.

Answer 9

You know maybe he needs individual counseling,some men and women have problems of opening up to others.Besides,why should he just open up to a therapist,a trust has to be built up first.I have known some people for years,and i wouldn't tell them everything on my mind.

Answer 10

desinyawaites, Once you are no longer "in love" and communication fails your only option is divorce. think hard about how you will go it alone before you get out ! Then there will be attorney fees. Hon it is your call, but like you it sounds to me like you have tried everything ! First talk to Jesus about it !