What would you do if....?

Question

After years of husband having issues with porn and he agreed he would not watch anymore you found out he had been watching for the last year. He said in counseling that he didn't need it and knowing how I felt he wouldn't have to watch it again. Before I hear from everyone who sees nothing wrong with it this isn't about wether porn is ok but rather about someone blatantly disrespecting your wishes.So with that said would you be upset? Believe me I am not a prude by no means but the porn issue goes way beyond just watching every once in a while.

Answer 1

It sounds like he has a serious issue. Addictions come in may forms (food, porn, smoking-even the simplisist things can become addictive). The problem is, unless and UNTIL he is ready to get help, there is nothing you can do for him. My advice to you would be to treat it as if it were a 'drug', because that is his drug. First question,"Do you want your marriage?", second queston, "What are the ground rules(ie. get help or get out, no porn in the house....)?". Is his 'drug' ruining your lives? If it is, then of course thats a cause for serious actions. IF it is a moral issue and a respect issue for you (as it would be if it were me), then just understand that UNTIL he decides to get help, he wont change. Dont let his 'drug' consume you. You have expressed how you feel about it. The ball is in your court in 'how ' you want to handle him. The ball is in his court on if he chooses to get help for his 'drug'.

Answer 2

I have the same problem.
It's a mindset. Guys are taught from the age of 12 or 10 to start treating women as sex objects with their first view of a porn mag.
But not all guys are into it so much that it is sooooo important to them that they have to lie, sneak, hide, etc. There really are some guys out there who won't disrespect you by lying to you, continuing behind your back, etc.
It definitely is a respect issue. It's also about what he values, and he values porn a LOT to lie to you repeatedly.
It's also a kind of mental infidelity when he is sneaking and lying. Then it's almost the same as if he is having an affair, because the same exact character traits come out in him, and it causes the same angry, insecure, and nervous tension in you. You're not insecure by nature, as some jerks in here will tell you. He made you insecure with his lies!
Don't listen to a single one of the jerks on here that is going to tell you to get over it, that you are wrong, that you don't own him, that guys do that, blah blah blah.
We don't have a problem because somebody is lying to us. EVERYTIME A SPOUSE LIES TO YOU, IT IS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT YOURS!
We also don't have a problem if the people on here that respond negatively to you don't have the same values, morality, and class.
Some people will try to turn it around on you, that you have the problem. You don't. You're not the one who is lying, sneaking, and the rest of the bad character traits that go along with this addiction.
Dr. Phil has a message board where women who have spouses with this issue give eachother support.
Now how to get him to come clean, if not stop? I don't know...I lost that battle I am sure. And the more I think about it, I think it is just a dealbreaker for me.
There are couples that have no problem with it for either of them. Great for them. The issue here is that you have a problem within your relationship on agreeing on this, and your spouse isn't having debates on the subject with you about it, trying to win the argument, he's just taken it upon himself to do it anyway. Humph! Liars!
If you find an answer to this one...you'll save countless marriages that have been breaking up since the internet made this a part of everyone's life on a daily basis...I haven't found the answer...it seems there are only three possibilities when the wife disagrees with the subject matter...
1)The guy cares about what his wife feels and gives it up
2)The couple has many discussions about it and the wife agrees to let him view it
3)They stay miserably married or they get a divorce.

Answer 3

I know what your saying there is porn and there is PORN !! I don't mind my husband looking at porn it's the way he does it that bothers me the most.Why the need to be sneaky about it I'm not his mother he doesn't have to turn it off when i enter the room. I wanted to know why he was doing this so when he was at work i got his password and looked at what he had been looking at .It was totally disgusting and i wiped it from his computer and i told him i did that. I know he went and down loaded more porn but this time i don't want to see it because i don't like how it makes me feel towards my husband. I always thought he had more class then that but i was wrong he is like any other man out there who watches porn.

Answer 4

I don't see the point in counseling to keep a marriage or relationship. If two adults can't behave like adults, then split. You can't change a person, so don't try. An addiction is different. Can you be addicted to porn? Sure, I guess. It's all mental. Self control seems to be a thing of the past. People divulge in their indulgences, without caring about the consequences. Comes down to being downright selfish. Do you really want to be married to a man that chooses porn over your marriage...cause really, that's what he did.

Answer 5

Is it possible that you might divorce this husband just based on his watching porn? Yes, he's disrespecting your wishes about that. Is he a good husband in other respects, enough to be worth staying married to.
One thing that your husband might be worried about is losing his potency and watching porn may stimulate him enough to make him feel secure in that department. He might not feel that even if he could articulate it, this would be a good thing to constantly be discussing with you.
For him, then, porn is just the short cut solution that relieves his anxiety.
Frankly, I despise porn. I think it degrades women. That's because I'm a woman. If I'm watching soft-porn that is borderline porn (this is coming out of Hollywood a lot these days), it can be stimulating because it doesn't degrade women. But I can't force that kind of taste on a man and somehow 'correct' his porn habits.
Watching porn constantly (every night?) has a bad bad sound to it. But I know people who watch soap operas every single blessed day and no one complains about that. I watch a soap opera on daytime tv and think you have to be practlcally brain-dead to watch that stuff - could that be compared to daily porn-watching?

Answer 6

I understand where u r coming from about respecting the wishes. And then he lied about watching it so yeah i would be mad at that. But honestly if he likes porn and he gets off watching it u should maybe try it with him if u havent already and see where it takes u. Now i dont know how far it goes but if it dont go as far as sleeping wit others then join in on the porn time and watch how he changes he might come and ask then abnd if u say no he might jus might not watch it. But ur man sounds like he jus loves to ave sex.

Answer 7

An addiction to porn is a tough one to break and probably will require drastic measures. Once addicted were trapped by it, the need to relieve ourselves grows to a point where it's the most important thing to us. In the meantime sex with our spouse is numbed, and we also lose affection for them.
I was at a point in my life where I didn't think there was anything I could do about it. I just figured that's the way I was, like many other men, I justified myself as being normal. Thank God my wife had enough of it, she left my stupid a$$ with no attentions of coming back. The day I thought I lost my wife for good was the same day I lost my desire for porn. Through the grace of God were back together today, and we are so much closer with porn out of my life.
Help him out and take drastic measures is my suggestion. I wish you and your family the best.

Answer 8

Your husband is an addict if he's lying about the porn and hiding it.

He also has to want to stop. It sounds like you need to get back in counseling, or with a new counselor.

Your husband needs to know what your limits for this behavior are.

Answer 9

I have one like him too. He does have health probs, but admits he is addicted to porn and can't see that it is hurting anyone. I feel cheated. Haven't had sex for years and years...long before the health probs. I am so frustrated, and porn now disgusts me. Nothing I say or do will change things so I just close my eyes to it. I suggest if this is happening to you, you should get out and find another. It's too late for me, but if I met someone else I'd think about it. He is good to me and loves me though. But I wouldn't go through it again if I were still young. Good luck!

Answer 10

If you have made it clear that it makes you uncomfortable and it is something that you won't tolerate - it is definitely wrong of him to continue.

If it isn't an addiction then he shouldn't have a problem not watching it.

I understand how upset it would make you. Porn is degrading to women for the most part and it is so subjective. It is fantasy. Pure and simple. Men are basic creatures and love the visual stimulation. This doesn't make it okay for him to do this.

The thing is.. If you make an ultimatum, you have to stick by it. If you say - watch and we divorce, then you have to. Otherwise, all the rules make no sense to him.