Should I tell my parents...Or Not?

Question

Let me give you the lowdown of Nate's parents, Its like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter had a child, yes my parents are that conservative! That Child has always been gay. My dad will make jokes(Horrid ones) about Rosie. My Mom banned Ellen after the Coming out Show. "Not in my House".

Now I am in College....Living basically Independently. Except for a few dollars here and there when they do come visit.

Should I tell my parents that I am gay? Or should I not even tell them?

Yes...I am paying for my own education...The money they give me is for groceries and stuff.

Answer 1

Well are they paying for your schooling? Will you ever have to live with them again? Let me instead say I'm sorry it's bad enough there is 1 ann coulter in the world, so for you mom to be mini ann, you deserve a hug! I would still almost wait till school is over and you can get your own place. That way if they have any kind of fit or whatever you can say, "okay we'll I'm going home, take care!" and go home. Plus if they are total jerks they could threaten to stop paying for your schooling, I don't know if they are like that, but some parents are. In your case I would suggest waiting, you are away from them, so live your life the way that's best for you. When you go home tell them and see what they say. Good luck! :)

Edit: You are paying for your own schooling and they are giving you supplemental money then... I would say just tell them and let them deal with it while you are away. This way if they panic or freak out, you are away at college. Then just don't move back in with them when school is over! :)

Answer 2

Let me share something that may influence your decision. I am 52 years old, and I've been out to my parents since age 22. My partner died 7 years ago, and after an extended grieving period, I have rejoined the dating world. My current boyfriend of 4 months is 50 years old. He has never told his parents. I listen to him skirt around details of his life, squirm as he has to confabulate answers to questions that omit pronouns and my name.

He has been doing this all of his life, and now he has an excuse that his elderly mother is perhaps going to die, and he wouldn't want to insert this issue into the family at this time. That seems real. But he has always had an excuse that at the time seemed real. So long as you feel you can get by without their financial help (including health insurance, automobile payments, etc.), then there is no better time than now to share this information.

And truthfully, there may be no worse time either. The only things you get to control in this situation is (1) whether you tell them and (2) the manner you tell them. What you don't get to control is whether someone else tells them, whether they discover it by reading your mail, etc. If you would like to live an honest life with them, so that their preconceptions about gay people are challenged, then let them know. If you feel you would NEVER want to have a life where they are a part of your newer family, then don't tell them.

But I can tell you, the biggest strain in my relationship with my boyfriend is the fact that his parents don't know.

- {♂♂} - {♂♀} - {♀♀} -

Answer 3

If you're financially independent, coming out to them might not be as catastrophic as it could be - but it could still be very painful if they reject you. Be prepared for that; make sure you have some friends who are supportive, and consider therapy if you need it.

It's ultimately your decision, Nate. Even if your folks are upset at first, hopefully they'll come around in time. Some reading material might facilitate this; I highly recommend "Beyond Acceptance" by Griffin and Wirth, as it's directed toward the parents of gay children with a focus on correcting a lot of misconceptions. My mom found it pretty helpful.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Nate, there is nothing in this world that can make you more happy like coming out. Finally being able to get rid of the secrets and being who you are... that is so good. But I don't know you, only from a few lines here, and have somewhere the feeling that you are not strong enough for bad reactions. Not the financial independence, but the emotional one. Do you feel you stand strong enough ?

Answer 5

Wow how did you manage to get out of that house as well adjusted as you seem? Good job!

Since you are so new to being out, I would wait until you have settled into your life. There is no reason to rush to confrontation if your are not able to defend your self and accept whatever reaction they may have. You have to be really strong and (sadly) expect the worst reaction you can think of. Then you have to be strong enough to live with it.

Make sure you have a really strong support system to run to if things go bad. You do not want to handle this alone. enlist the help of friends and look into professional help for yourself.

Good luck! We are all behind you!

Answer 6

Let me give my two cents....

My parents grew up in the 70's and were the stoner type, right? Well, when they had their children they decided to become very conservative, the type that "it's okay, just as long as you aren't 'swayed' or 'brainwashed' and you pretty much don't associate yourself with it." Not quite your situation, but still daunting, coupling that with a Catholic upbringing.

When I went to boarding school I was able to be myself and come out, and when I came home I realized that I was living a lie, and I slowly started to come out. They knew I had a "friend" who would come over for dinner and I would spend nights at her place, and I actually waited for my dad to ask. I said yes and of course it was a phase and I would find a nice Catholic boy, but when they realized that wouldn't happen there was a MASSIVE backlash. A year later, there still is that backlash from time to time.

My suggestion? Don't force the issue. Just know what you are and if you want to be known as YOU, just start squeeking out little things. For me, it's worth the weekly 12 hour backlash and I-can't-believe-my-daughter-gross!-not-in-my-family-NO-CHILDREN?! just to know that I am me and it will blow over.. for six days. My final thought is, might as well get over the inevitable!

Good luck hun, I wish you the best of luck with it!

Answer 7

First, w/respect to "Blue's" answer -- Don't bet on that! Both of my parents went for years suspecting *I* was gay, just because I'm a human rights activist and was defending EQUAL rights for them! Even though I'm as heterosexual (yet NON-bigoted) as anyone could be... and now have three kids and 6 grandkids.

Fortunately for me, my parents loved me as much as any parents could, despite their incorrect suspicions around 30 years or so ago. What a shame that you have bigots for parents, instead, Nate. Damn! I can't even IMAGINE somone being idiotic enough to censor Ellen Degeneres just because she came out on her TV show. Imagine what your parents would do to YOU! You'd better keep it under your hat from them -- forever! Or you'll almost surely be disowned.

Finally, I condemn the answer by "spidermanjamal." He represents the very worst of the PSEUDO-Christians of the RRR Cult with that hateful and loathsome response. If I were gay, and someone said that to my face, he'd be LUCKY if my spitting in his eye were all that happened as a result. Such ABJECT idiocy!!

Answer 8

At this point in your life you're living ion your own with a little bit of help from them. If you are the only child and tell them, it might start them thinking about it, but there is a strong chance it will not. If you want to tell them, go ahead and do so, but be prepared to be disowned. As they get older, they may come around and welcome you back into their life. If you have no need to and they hardly visit, there is no reason to tell them. But if there is a chance they may find out from someone else, you should tell them from your mouth, not letting them from someone else.

Answer 9

My philosophy is when telling the truth is worse than not saying anything, don't say anything. You have no obligation to inform your parents of your sexual preference, and you already know that they will very likely not accept it and be very upset or disturbed. Heck, they might even have someone grab you and put you in one of those antigay rehab places.

Flaunting your gay lifestyle to them-- like bringing home a guy, and hanging all over him, would be like sticking a knife in their heart. You know their reaction will be negative, so why put yourself through any of that until they confront you or somehow find out. My father died years ago, but my mother is still living, but I would never tell her I was bisexual. Heck, I don't event tell her I am sexual, just not a subject I'd discuss with my parents!

Most likely they probably suspect you are gay, but would never even discuss it among themselves, much less with you. I'd say let the status quo remain, and enjoy your relationship with your parents.

Answer 10

Nate -- I would wait until I was out of college and employed, then I would introduce them to my lover -- and tell them that I was always gay, and say something like "thank you for not totally destroying me" and then let them deal with it as they see fit. Be warned, your father may physically attack you -- it has happened to young friends of ours who have conservative parents. I don't understand the Right -- our Right, the Christian Right, the Communist Right or the Islamic Right (yes, they all had Right wings, those wings were all absolutist, there were differences like what to call God -- or if there was one -- but they were ALL bigots, absolutists and extremists). So I can't actually say that I understand how they think, I don't -- but if I were you I would be prepared for the possibility of physical violence.

Kindest thoughts,

Reyn
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