What do you make of this poem? Any comments/suggestions? Thank you.?

Question

There's a guinea pig in my vacuum

I. I hear a squeaking in my vacuum as I push forward in a straight line,
pull backward in a straight line and then a swerve.
push, pull
push, pull, and now I'm lost in this algorithm.
The background music is a purr
cued by two snaps of the finger,
rattling of keys, then the Ka-Ch of the CD box opening and
we're a concerto in some key where purring makes sense.
There he goes dancing around the center table
chasing an imaginary tail
There he goes flying off the carpet into hay haven where
trees are stalks of celery and the carrot people offer gold charms.

II. He used to snuggle up with the carpet and watch me like
he had elbows he could rest on
He used to pull my sock with his teeth then run around as if
to say catch me if you can

III. Funny how a farm fire brought you to a pet store and
I found you all alone in a glass box,
in a back room, because of your unusual size: a runt.
A runt is like a girl who believes in tales of fairies and
talking trees or that colors move between her fingers.
A runt is like a boy who believes in tales of space and
star destroyers, or that flickering light can be a message.
Funny how some swerving on a straight and panoramic path
brought us together.

Answer 1

Vow ! From now on I'll have a new feeling when using my vacuum. Very creative and impressive. Unlike Kevin I think the third part is a good conclusion . Kevin, why don't you consider the pet store and glass box as metaphors?
The definition you give for a runt : A runt is like a girl who.... is a good justification for the way you look at the world and also a good one for those like me who enjoy this way of looking at the world. This poem is also a good example of the way an artist can change a monotonous life( vacuuming) to a beautiful one (playing with a pet).

Answer 2

I always check the clothes dryer to make sure my cat isn't in there before I close the door. I remember my secretary's house guest killed her ferret accidentally when she folded up the sofa bed in the morning. And a friend killed a cat when she started her car one winter morning and the cat was under the hood. These associations (and similar others) made it difficult for me to divine the true fate of the guinea pig in your poem. The ambiguity was more than I could stand because I am so emotionally invested with animals.

At the same time, this was an intelligent work, with some very creative offerings, for example: "He used to snuggle up with the carpet and watch me like
he had elbows he could rest on" and "A runt is like a girl who believes ... that colors move between her fingers" and "A runt is like a boy who believes ... that flickering light can be a message." (I repeat the best of both lines only.)

What the poem lacked for me, personally, is clarity and connectivity. I could not be sure if the guinea pig was only a metaphor or more, or what happened to the guinea pig if it was real. Did it go the way of cats in clothes dryers or was the vacuum cleaner just a reminder of the guinea pig?

There are other lines that just devolved the expression into pure story telling. I think you know your poem well enough to pick these out. It helped to move the expession along, but it diluted the sense of poetry as the medium.

The ending connected to the beginning both literally and figuratively, which I personally found very rewarding after I got it on the second or third reading. (Even fellow poets can be obtuse!)

Thanks for sharing.

Answer 3

Interesting poem. Sections 1 and 2 had me believing the vacuum "was" the guinea pig...the squeaking sound the vacuum makes as the wheels move forward and backward, as if reminding you of a guinea pig you once owned. Even how the vacuum, scooting around the carpet and under the table resembled the dash of the guinea pig chasing "an imaginary" tail, like a vacuum cleaner that squeaks and seems to do the same thing. Also, the way it sits on the carpet and looks as if it is watching you on its forearms. Again, good anthropormorphism and metaphor. However, section 3 implied there was an actual guinea pig...so, either the first two sections were really about a guinea pig, or you are now talking about the guinea pig referred to in the first two sections. Lines are a little loose, but overall it has very good potential.

Answer 4

And the Guinea Pig In My Vacuum Squeaked Than Squeaked No More, I'd Ignored His Pelee's For Mercy And Hopes Of Some Salvation As I Weaved And Meandered Round The Floor. The Bell Rang And I Went To Answer The Caller At The Door. That Valiant Little Guinea Pig Alas He Squeaks No More.

Answer 5

You had me at the title. I think it could use some paring down (read it through and start tightening your word choices).

An example:

L2: in a straight line could be cut without sacrificing meaning. pull backward is sufficient. The repetition isn't buying you anything.

Find other lines that you can trim without sacrificing meaning or tone. It's good don't get me wrong, but in it's present state it's a little too bulky to analyze.

it's a great topic. I found it very original and interesting.Thank you for writing it.

Take care.

Answer 6

Very colourful and inventive. it incredibly is incredibly no longer undesirable. heavily, i'm no longer sucking up for some factors, i in my opinion do no longer elect them. i'm in many circumstances very serious of so-talked approximately as "poetry" published right here via fact it incredibly is totally in many circumstances incredibly, incredibly undesirable. i admire your poem a lot. you have skills and a vocabulary and you comprehend a thank you to apply it. stable activity.

Answer 7

its talking about her pet now and then she goes back to describing how they met. and how she was the runt, while the pet(im assuming a guinea pig) was not the cutest in store as it looked different.......kinda like her.

Answer 8

Hmmm? It's a very long poem but i will give you 8\10! Keep writing!

Answer 9

Thankful! It is a great Poem! I need long time to appreciating what your mean behind this poem.
I am really like.

Good Poem!

Roberth M

Answer 10

cute, not a subject one might normally see used in poetry. I like it.