What would you do with an email like this from your kid's stepmom?

Question

My children, "Mary" 11 and "Joe" 14 have 2 months visitation across the country with their Dad & Step Mom. I just received this email after 2 1/2 weeks. What would you do?

The girls and I just spent all morning cleaning their room and trying to organize all of their stuff today. "Mary" brought a lot of unnecessary things with her that are cluttering up their room and our home. For example, her own first aid kit, feminine pads, envelopes, stamps, toothpaste and such. All of these things we already have here in our home and there was no need for her to bring these things with her.
To further complicate the clutter problem you keep mailing the kids packages. "Mary" just received a large package from you today in the mail full of stuff to make stuffed animals with. First of all, we already have an entire room of our home full of art, craft and school supplies, second of all the last thing "Mary" needs is another stuffed animal. We have 7 children here, 9 people in our home.

There are three girls sharing a room together and it is literally crammed full of their belongings. There is no where left to put another thing unless we start hanging things from the ceiling. Our school room/art and craft room/dining room is packed full as well. So, please do not mail her anymore large items. We have plenty of our own books, (plus we go to the library once a week), and toys, beads, glue, fabric, googly eyes, paint, paper of all sorts, crayons, markers, chalk, oil pastels, acrylic paints, professional water paints, paint brushes, wood working projects, ceramic items to be painted, string, sewing supplies, things to make hair barrettes, pot holder makers, latch hook rug kits, etc, etc... We do not need anymore things like this. It adds to the clutter problem and it also creates a problem with the other children in the home when you are sending candy, books, and magazines to "Joe" and "Mary". It really is not fair to the other 5 children in our home.

So, for those two reasons, please do not mail "Joe" and "Mary" anything bigger than a regular sized envelope. We've never had this problem in the past and I'd like to stop it from continuing to be a problem this summer. Thank you in advance for you cooperation and understanding

FYI -- I have sent 2 packages. The first package had a manilla size envelope in it for each of my children -- 1 magazine each, 1 small box of nerds, and a small toy.

The box today was for my daughter while her brother was at scout camp. It had a shoebox full of craft supplies and a book with patterns to make 2" high stuffed animals. Oh, yea. I also sent about 20-30 felt squares of a variety of colors to share with all th kids.

Would it change anyone's view if they also knew that this same step-mom took the kids cell phones away from them when they arrived? And she makes them feel badly for wanting to call me? I am allowed to speak to them only every-other-day per court order, but Dad & Step mom think that is excessive.

By the way -- great answers so far!

Answer 1

Hmmm,I have to be honest with you,I started of thinking I was going to take your side,but as I read on I realized that the woman has a point.She is right about you showing preference to your kids by sending goodies to only them.The proper thing to do if you need to send Goodies send it to all the children.How would you feel to know that the step mom takes the children out but only buys stuff for her children though your children are present?
I know what you are trying to do is to let your children know you are not far away,but remember they are with their dad.I know the woman is coming across as high minded and smug
and that it is not her role to be talking to you about your children,it is your ex job,but try not to make it any harder for the children.
I take issue with 2 things.Talking about the children bringing clutter into her home is rude and insensitive,and I hope she is not saying it to them.If she needs to complain about the kids she needs to do it through their father.Send the email to your ex with the points are made here and let him know you are concerned for the kids.Don't worry 2 months come by so fast they will be home soon
addendum.
The woman has no right to take your children's cell phones.Let your lawyer send your husband a letter asking him to return the children's property,failing which you haul both their as**s to court.I am sorry to go this far but your husband looks spinless from here.

Answer 2

Well you can send a truck if you like although they may have all that stuff over there, your kids need famillar items around them. She spoke of cleaning the room tell her to spring clean her house and get rid of her clutter. Tell her also to speak to the dad it ovious he does not feel the same that is why she has jumped to you. She could be feeling offended that they are bringing toothpaste and such and think that hers is not good enough but reassure her you did not mean anything by it and was only trying to contribute. As for the pads she should know that its a private matter and your daughther is shy about asking for such a private matter. At the end of the day it is her home and she may have rules but they are your children so you decide with the dad not her how they should be raised. She sounds demanding put your feet down and you set the standard and boundaries which will benefit everyone. 'Mary' can have all the stuffed animals she wants. If she refuses to budge the stepmom tell her go "stuff herself"! Send her kids a little something too so they do not feel left out.

Answer 3

How long has this situation been in place? Is this the first summer? The step mom sounds a little strange, but why did Mary feel she had to bring all those things with her? Doesn't she feel she can ask her Dad or Stepmother to buy them for her if she needs them? The bottom line is, I think I'd stop sending them packages. I know you miss them, but they won't forget you in two months, and she does have a point about it not being fair to the other children. ( By the way, her clutter problem is entirely hers, and not your fault). All the same, I think I'd reply with a very short, to-the-point email and say something like, "I'm sure Joe and Mary are being well taken care of. Thank you for making me aware of your situation."

Answer 4

I can understand why you are upset....but...I can also see the other womans point of view to. If they are on two months holiday with their dad and all those other kids...do you really think that they will have time to be bored and want to use the stuff that you send? Do you not think that they will have enuff to do? Or...maybe you are feeling left out and keep sending things to your kids so that you still feel like you are a part of what they are doing? And if they are doing the stuff that you are sending them then they won't have time to do stuff with the other woman? Don't mean to sound harsh..but i think it is the later...and that is ok to...they are your kids and i would find it real hard to send my kids off to another womans house with my ex. So maybe you should just send them letters to keep in touch rather than stuff. Then you would all be happy... but i would also be letting my ex know that you didn't appreciate the email and the way she put it to you as they are YOUR kids and you were just being a mum. Hope this helps all the best to you as I do believe you are in a hard position...but i think your kids are to as they would not want to hurt your feelings either.

Answer 5

Wow! This woman really lacks tact! I would probably hate her. However, in the interest of your children, I would probably grit my teeth and respond by telling her that you didn't realize you were creating a problem and in the future you will send only letters. If this woman is angry at you, she may take it out on your children. Now, go paint her face on a pillow and then shred it!

I would not recommend going over her head and talking to your children's father about this. That would only aggravate the situation. I don't think the step-mom was out of line for asking you not to send packages. I just think she did it in a very rude manor. As for the cell phones, maybe she felt like you were trying to dishonor the court order. I'm sure she is not intending to keep them, but will return them when it's time for the kids to come home.

Answer 6

I would say something along the following lines:

Dear (name),
I am sorry to have cluttered up your home. I understand that you have a big family, but I was being very sentimental about the whole situation and, from one mother to another, I'm sure you can understand that I would miss them terribily while they're visiting you and their daddy. I just wanted to send 'Joe' and 'Mary' some things to make sure that they understood that I missed them, but if this causes problems with space in your house I'll stick to writing letters and sending small things.
From,
You.

The best thing to do in this situation is be understanding and polite. Just remeber your children have to be around her a lot and if you took offence at this e-mail it might cause their step mom to feel resentful towards your children, which would be really sad because I'm sure that this wouldn't be easy for you. Just remeber that they are with an experienced mother who obviously cares about her brood (I think it's sweet she takes them to the library every week.) And try to relax a little. I can understand you are worried but the time will go in quickly.

Good luck,
Katie x

Answer 7

harsh man! i would ask the kids first if they want to come home? How it honestly is going. Is there sometime or someplace they can speak to you privately with out wicked ears to hear? approach the dad/wicked step mother if they do not have room in their lives/home for your kids. Its always an adjustment for "visitations", but I imagine that attitude is being very much felt by your kids as well as being dished out by the "other kids". what an uncomfortable situation for your kids and to be so far away. I can understand to a degree the Wicked Steps point, but yours is with the intent of letting your kids know they are not forgotten while away and with best intentions. How were/are you to know what darned supplies they have? (Now you do!) Especially where the personal hygiene is concerned, I am in my 40's and still hate buying "those" products.Her letter sounds just plain mean, does not sound like she is thinking of your kids feelings, comfort or emotional welfare what-so-ever. She sounds mean, overwhelmed, and totally selfish. I hope they come home soon where they belong and where they are loved unconditionally, as it sounds like you do. Good Luck to you all. Really. PS. I just read the very last part of of your "question", that it has only been two packages, both sound small, I was envisioning a big 'ol box, huge stuffed animals, wicked one has a problem and its not your kids. and you can be sure dad had this letter read to him and approved it before it was sent. Check on those kids, or next you will hear you shoud not send letters unless you send one to all 7 kids which includes $ for 5, because of the "inconvenience and extra chores"..... (sorry that was a bitter stab...but deserved.) PPS: you gotta quit adding, I will never get to bed! The phones are their personal property. I know I could not go a day without saying goodnight to my 12 year old daughter and when she is out of town, with relatives which she does do, yes, we speak EVERY night before she goes to bed, no matter what time they get in, wherever she is, around the corner or 2000 miles away. (unless its a sleep over, would not want to embarres "Oh mom"!)Where ever, who ever,, she is with understands this and expects this! Every other day is NOT excesive!! Fire the Judge that ordered that one!

Answer 8

My guess is that the stepmom is quite distraught over the mess the girls are making (not just "Mary's") and the fact that you are sending stuff to your children only. Though not your children's fault, the stepmom cannot sort out her dismay over the clutter and feelings over your kids and her kids. Admitedly there is a gap or a separation of who belongs to who.

What I can suggest is send some foodstuff or what-nots to all the kids, or something that they can all share, like a board game or a few dollars to spend in an ice cream shop.

I hope things work out well.

Answer 9

hnestly, i find it slightly offensive that the step-mother has the gall to say that to you. Marriage or not, her "tone" is of disliking toward you and rather unnecessary. Second, i DO agree with her point though. Looking at it from THEIR angle, they'd like to have COMPLETE time alone with the kids as they only get a few months. It seems like an over cautious and protective gesture to pack them with all that stuff. The stuffed animals i can understan their frustration because again, thats something they can enjoy at home with you for the 10 months with you. Their time is limited and i'm sure they're hopeful to maximize those 2 short moths spent enjoying time with each other. SHE,(step-mom) may take it personally as you attempting to interfere with their time alone with them. But her tone, annoyed or not, was still a bit out of line.

Answer 10

Just let her see what you're missing out on, as she sounds controlling! Have a sleepover, and then when your friends do the normal teen stuff, show your Stepmom so she can see it for her own eyes. -- I'M CALLED KARA TOO ;)! x