Frustrating Situation w/ Long Term Relationship?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Recently, a good friend of mine has become engaged. I’m happy for her, but really jealous. She has what I want. She’s getting married and starting her life w/ the one she loves.

My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married, but right now it’s not in the cards. Last year, he lost his job and could not find another for almost 6 months. He blew through much of his savings just to get by and used credit cards to buy simple things like groceries and such. He’s found another job and has been working since January. But, money is tight.

I’m still in school and working. I’m also in a financial bind. My father had cancer a few months back. He’s recovered, but it took a huge toll on myself and my family. I also have incurred debt b/c of it. I was helping to pay for items on credit cards and such, on my families behalf. Mainly food, medicine, stuff like that .

Right now, living together isn’t an option. Our families are very traditional. If you are going to live together, you must be engaged. This includes having a ring and having a set date (mainly w/ the church, so you can’t back out) I agree w/ them. I don’t believe in engagements lasting more then 1.5 years. I know my boyfriend can’t even afford a ring right now, and a wedding just seems to much of a burden.

However, I’m getting so mad at my boyfriend for not having the means to purpose to me. I’m angry that we both can’t get our lives together to make thinks work. I’m starting to feel like it’s never going to happen. I don’t know if my feelings are genuine or b/c of my friends recent engagement.

She’s only been dating her boyfriend for a year. They are moving in together and getting married in a year.

Advice on how to handle this situation. Is this really never going to happen? I feel bad confronting my boyfriend w/ this, b/c he’s trying hard to improve his life. I don’t’ want to sound demanding. But, I’m becoming increasing frustrated. Is my jealous motivating this.

Answer 1

So control yourself and give the guy a break. He knows. You are both in financial difficulty. And YOU CAN be engaged without a huge fancy ring. If you wait until he pays off his debts, and you do too, and for him to save enough money to buy you a huge ring, then how long will that realistically take? Three years? Five years? If you two love each other, you can find a way. And don't be made at him because you owe debt too. It is not like you two got into debt to avoid marriage. Actually, getting marriedand consolidating your debts together would cost less than what you are paying now for debt.

Answer 2

You need to be a more realistic, and consider what you and your boyfriend are going through. The most important thing, is that even on tough times you guys still have each other. Your main focus right now should not be what you can not have, it should be what you can do to get back on your feet, and maybe BOTH of you can at least live comfortably, then start saving for your wedding. There is absolutely no reason for you to be jealous of your friend, your circumstances are completely different from hers. You need to realize that sometimes life just is not fair, and we don't get everything that we want. When the time is right, and your bf can afford to propose to you, I am sure he will do it in a heartbeat. But right now is just not the right time. Set some goals for yourself, give yourself a realistic time frame, and if things still don't happen then. You need to decide what you want to do. Just so you know, getting married these days would cost around $10,000 to $ 40,000 depending on how big of a wedding you want to have. That's a lot of money !!! You don't want to be in debt already starting your marriage right???

Answer 3

Believe me, seriously, believe me, I know how you feel. But you ahve to be patient and reasonable. You're jealousy is what has you feeling mad. It's a hard time for both of you and it's neither your fault, or your bf's fault. It's just how life goes. If you're patient enough and you're able to get out of these tough moments iwth you're bf, I think that sooner than later you will be engaged. I was reading an article today on redbookmag.com and it had the 10 most important thing in a marriage:
10.Patience
9. Kindness
8. Patience
7. Communication
6. Patience
5. Caring
4. Patience
3. Patience
2. Love
1.Patience
So if you're able to have a lot of patience befire you get married, you will probably be able to have a lot of patience after you get married and have a looooong marriage till death sets you apart.
Good Luck

Answer 4

I understand that you want to be engaged to your boyfriend but you need to be patient with it otherwise he is going to think that you are pressuring him into doing it. I know from experience because my boyfriend asks me everyday to marry him for the past 4 months although we've only been dating 5 months. We live together and all, and there is still no ring showing commitment. I kept asking him everyday if he is serious. He eventually told me to just be patient b/c the ring will come soon when he has enough money to pay for the ring. If you want to have a future with your boyfriend and you know he is the one, then be confident that he is going to propose to you in the future when the time is right. I hope this helps. Feel free to email/im and I would love to talk to you more about this.

Answer 5

If its a good relationship, it will happen. I have been in almost the EXACT same position except I had been with my now "fiance" for 5 and a half years and my Friend got engaged after about 8 months, that killed me. But here I am, planning my wedding. Seriously, just be patient, if he hasn't got the means to propose you cant be angry, its out of his control. I know you will hate hearing this as I did, but you need to be reasonable and patient and have faith in your relationship, its not his or your fault that you aren't financially ready to get married, so just let life take you were it has to and it will happen soon.

Answer 6

give it time. There is no 911 to get married any more. If it would make you feel better, talk to your boyfriend about a promise ring, or they call it a "pre engagement ring" they are pretty in expensive and the committment might make you feel a little better about the situation. I give him alot of credit for working hard and trying to get on better footing before trying to start a life with someone. Follow his lead sweetie, work hard and get some of your personal things taken care of, recover, and enjoy your time with him before everything is set in stone and you end up with even more obligations than you had before. If you 2 have been together that long without a piece of paper, then why rush? If you are sure of his feelings for you and etc..... then why go running just because one of your friends is getting married? If you were happy before she told you about her impending marriage, chances are you are just reacting, but don't make the mistake of OVER reacting. be happy for her, and work hard twards your goals for yourself and your boyfriend. best wishes

Answer 7

It could be jealousy (which would be very selfish and childish), or it could be that you are concerned that after 3 years there is still no planned future ahead of you. If you love your boyfriend, then you will need to learn to stick with him through thick and thin, even after you are married. If you have any doubts about whether you actually love him, now would be a good time to take a break and start dating others.

Answer 8

of course jealousy is motivating this.

remember, everything is not what it seems. on the outside things look grand for your friend but is what you see, and is what she tells you the whole story?

you and your boyfriend will be ok. if you start comparing your life to others, you nor he will ever measure.

we all want more, and we all have set backs. dont start second guessing your life because of how another's life appears to you.

If you are frustrated just on the strength that you are in a neglectful relationship or an abusive one then i say jump ship fast.

but you and your boyfriend have both suffered some hardships so i understand you dreaming of better days.

however, frustration out of jealousy is so unfair to you and your boyfriend.

Answer 9

Your jealousy is definitely clouding your head. At this point in your life, you can't even support yourself and your bf is barely making ends meet. How would a marriage improve the bind you both are in? Just because it is not the right time to get married now... if you have faith in him, he'll propose and make your dream wedding come true.

Answer 10

i feel sorry for you two no one should have to go through that, the reason he is being like this is because he is scared and confused, but tell him not to worry because if his wife is legally mentally unstable his child probably will not go under her custody, just work through it, but if you two truly love each other then you should just stand up to him and lay down the law, make it obvious that you aren't getting an abortion, and if he doesn't like he can just get over it, also tell him that if he loves his child and did a good job with him, then another should be a problem, but if your pregnancy comes up in court tell him to just say that you two wanted another child but something went wrong and you got pregnant unexpectedly, they'll probably chew you out but stand resolute and clear about your love and responsibility, but if he tries to hurt you, lets say he slaps you punch him in the face, but if he hurts even more let him get his anger out, then you play grit ball, (from a tyler perry movie) the rules are simple, make a big thing of grits, let him wake up and get situated, the whole time wait in the kitchen, when he comes in and gets close fling the grits on him but make sure they're hot, then get a nice sized skillet and beat the crap out of him, then you lay the law down and take control, (don't worry about the cops just make sure he hurts you first before you do grit ball)