On the verge of a Marital nervous breakdown please help, serious replies only please?

Question

Hi all,

I have been Married for seven years, with two lovely children. I have been working with this company for quite sometime and unfortunately was forced into bankruptcy. I lost my job, the Car the house and everything. We were forced to relocate to a different state and live with my in-laws till we get back on our feet. Lately my wife have been bombarding me with verbal insults that "IT WAS ALL MY FAULT." And to add insult to injury threatened me that "she is going to find a man that will financially support her" and "why don't you go back to your mother." I am contemplating on leaving her. My question is I love my two children, and I don't want them to go thru what a Divorce or separation anxiety. Am I being stubborn for loving my kids more than putting up with my wife verbal insults? I know each day is getting worse and getting ugly, but it's getting to the point of breaking me. I need serious help!

Winnie that was a good response, unfortunately my Children are 7 and 2. Pretty much too young to understand the whole reality of things.

Answer 1

Have you considered counseling? If that is not an option, maybe trying to sit down and talk to her- with someone there who is unbiased to keep the yelling to a minimum? If nothing try writing her a letter, just tell her how you feel. Obviously you two loved each other, and probably still do... so maybe the best thing would be letting her know that you still love her and you want to work things out. Don't do it just for the kids sake. If she wont hear any of it, and wont consider councelling, maybe your right to want a divorce. Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

I understand and sorry to hear that life has pulled the rug out from underneath you so to speak. It is none of my bussiness but this comes from someone who has been in a similar situation but left because of an abusive relationship for 7 years. Consider how long you have been together. Has it alsways been unbarable? How did the children react to your average situation "before the job?" When life has completely changed and all since of security is suspended or revoked from you, people have a tendancy to spiral out of control. Now i am not saying that it is acceptable for your partner to scream verbal insults at you, what i am saying is we are all capable of loosing it when everything that has brought comfort and stability is now gone. Is this job something that you invested a great deal into only for it to be a money pit? If there is anything that you have learned from this situation let your partner know this. What i would suggest if you would like to work things out is sit down with her and both of you discuss your worries, hopes, and future goals. Focus on what you do have in your life that brings joy that is not attached to money (ei. the kids, the fact that you still have family to go to for support, focus on the past memories that has brought you simple joy.) Just a tip on social skills when people are stressed avoid at all costs "you, or any other word that may make the other feel threatened." example "You did......: Makes for a smooth sincere conversation were both parties feel heard. Hope this helps : )

Answer 3

Its sad to see another family break up, but one thing I have learnt is that children would rather have two happy parents living apart, than having two unhappy parents staying together for the sake of the children. It takes two to make a marriage work and each relationship has its ups and downs. Some people are strong and can handle the good and bad times, then there are the ones who are quick to blame the other. Only you can make the final decision. Cheers and good luck.

Answer 4

DO it now for the kids sake, So they aren't 16 and going through it like i did. My sister was 20 and i was 16 and it tore our world apart. I still cant stand having them in the same room together b/c i can feel everyone on edge. I was still at home and i seen it all fall apart.
I'm still scared from it. My parents never had a good relationship and just like you situation, it was over money. My mother was NEVER happy with how much my father made(he owned his own business).
Please, if your wanting a divorce don't wait..... it will make it worse for the kids if they get any older. So they get use to the whole every other weekend thing..
Also, with my parents since i was older i felt like i had to choose a side and dont make your kids, its the worst feeling

Answer 5

Have the two of you tried free counseling? If she does not go with you, you could go on your own for a while. I suggest that you read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson and books by Patricia Evans like the Verbally Abusive Relationship. You can also look at books like Dangerous Marriage (although this is more about physical abuse, it may help in your situation as well). She sounds very angry, bitter, frustrated, and resentful about the situation, and having to be homeless and live at her parents' is probably making it more stressful on her and this is how she is reacting. She may also be looking for a reason to cheat or feel like the lack of money was a deal breaker for her and is using this as leverage to say how seriously she feels upset about this as a wake up call. She may be wanting to cheat or claiming that she is going to find someone else (when it could be hot air) because there are some financial needs as well as emotional needs that are not being met by her husband. This is not to say that it is your fault if she does find or even goes looking for someone else. She is choosing this behaviour instead of coming to you as husband and wife and making these threats for whatever reason. All you can do is try as the father of her children and her husband to figure out what's going on and what will be best for everyone. As far as a divorce or spearation anxiety, when she tells you to go back to your mother or that she wants another man, talk to her like a mediator would, trying to find out how to work out visitation and how she wants to tell the children about all this, and that this behaviour is pushing you further away emotionally and a man can only take but so much of this. Tell her you really need her support right now and for her to stand by your side and you are trying really hard to be a good father and husband when most men would not care or even put up with just one day of that treatment, and that you are considering a separation until she can stop being verbally abusive (all this must take place when she is calm and can talk with you without hurling insults) and seeks counseling. If she becomes aggressive, tell her that you need a break and then the two of you will get back together on this, and take a walk. Another idea is to do this in public in a place where unwanted behaviour will get her kicked out, so that she can see from other people that this behaviour is not acceptable. Since you do not have much money, there are churches that do counseling as well as counselors who do a sliding scale based on a person's paycheck. You can call around, ask the Salvation Army or United Way if they know of anyone who can do this, or you can call your local domestic violence shelter to find out what kind of options they may have for getting free counseling for the both of you. Be sure to tell them that she is verbally and mentally abusing you, because most cases are men abusing women.
Another book you can read is Affair-Proof Your Marriage. There are also books by Gary Smalley like how to win her back and by other authors that can tell you what women may want or appreciate in addition the the Five Love Languages (I can't remember the author at this time).
Just because the two of you are still together, does not mean that the children are unaffected. There is something called Emotionally Divorced parents that can affect children just like a real legal divorce, and this seems like it is a prime example of that. So please try to get her to see that this could also affect her.
If she does not have a job, she can try to get one, at least temporarily to help you out while you look for something more stable. Also getting both of you out of her parents' home, even if it's a small trailer with no land as a temporary fix can possibly help until you can afford a nice size house. A lot of marriages cannot handle being two families in a one family house and the relatives being able to hear and get involved in all this ruckus.
The first book I would suggest you read is Love Must Be Tough. It goes into a lot of details on what to do, and it can possibly help save your marriage. The two of you married and had two children for some reason. And the children will be better off if they see that the two of you adults work out your differences (without you enabling this wrong and negative behaviour) and have a stronger marriage as a result of this.

Answer 6

DON;T DIVORCE. I HATE DIVORCE. You are in a rough part of life and so is she. go to counseling before divorce. talk to her without fighting or anger. sit down and tell her you want yo family to work and this is a challenge in yor life at the moment but you can work through this. Women act out anger when they are very hurt inside. You are veiwing her emotions and verbal assults wrong. it is not healhty for her or for you-maybe she needs to go to the doctor for depression. get professional help in some avenue befor eyo put you childrne's lives into more unstability. Yo and your wife are reacting to teh stress and life changes and need to be strong for the kids and make their life smooth and stable-its yor jib- you will have taken every security away from them in their world if you add a divorce on top of what has been lost already. PLEASE WORK IT OUT. Statistics show situations like these will leave a damaging imoression on the rest of the children's lives. WORK IT OUT. DONT BREAK UP THE FAMILY WHEN THEY NEE D YOU TO BE A STRONG LEADER. Communicate-get any type of work in the mean time-spend quality time with each family member- get you wife depression meds ro couseling if it comes to that-but couples that surveyed to be unhappy and ready for divorce survewyed 5 years later as happy and they stayed together- this is a temporary situation and you can biul da stronger family form this-work on it - it's a hard situation but you can get through this.DON;'T GIVE UP

Answer 7

You shouldn't let her insults decide who you are. To thine own self be true. You know all this hasn't been your fault. Go back to school and make every effort to improve your situation. Stay with your wife. Don't answer back to her insults and she will be obviously the one in the wrong. Take every opportunity to get a good income so you can move into your own place again and get your own car for the family and start again. She is being very selfish and showing a lot of fear. It's up to you to make her feel that you are doing everything you can to improve your families circumstances. You can do it. You must stay with your wife and children.

Answer 8

The only words of wisdom and comfort I can give you is that it will get better with time. As he gets older, his coordination and judgment should improve. Little kids get hurt. It's part of the learning process. My mom would freak out whenever I would talk to her on the phone and mention that my son got hurt. I don't know how she survived us kids. We were getting hurt all the time. I just tried to be matter of fact about it when he would fall or something and not try to make too big of a deal out of it. I gave him a kiss and a hug and told him he was alright. That reassurance seemed to make him feel better, and he was back playing in no time. My son is five now, and hardly ever falls and hurts himself or closes his fingers into drawers (that was a big one for him when he was a baby) or any of that stuff anymore. Just be patient. This too shall pass.

Answer 9

Your wife is being verbally abusive. This sounds like "The Pursuit of Happyness". You'll get back on your feet, I'm sure. In the meantime, don't allow her to talk to that way to you, to your children, or in front of your children. And yeah, I'd leave her. Your kids will be fine - it will be better for them to deal with their parent's divorce than to deal with their mother's abusive behavior.

Answer 10

You have some good answers here. Plus you might want to find out if what is coming out of her mouth might also be what the In-laws are saying about you behind your back. She is abusive and if that isn't her usual behavior then she might be being influenced by her folks as well. If so, then your kids are just hearing it from her, they are also hearing it from their grandparents. You might want to find a way to get out of their house if you find that this is true. I have friends who's marriage was fine until they were forced to live with his folks for a short period of time. The strain of dealing with his folks and the problems they were experiencing ruined their marriage. Good Luck to you.