Married for 6 years....4 children involved....2 hers, 2 theirs....Wife feels that that her husband doesn't spend time with her...yet wants space. They don't want to hurt each each other..for all indications...she doesn't want a divorce, she needs space to think about it....he's not living at home.....what should he do.......He is on shore duty...and ultimately he is home everyday......
1. Give her the space?
2. Divorce?
3. What can he do to correct the situation?
4. If he gives her space and time....how much is too much before she feels he doesn't care...
Please be honest and helpful!
2007-07-05 15:49:58 · 12 answers · asked by cg in ok 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If she doesn't want a divorce just don't force the issue with the immediacy issue. Sleep in one of the kids rooms or on the couch if that's okay and then go speak to a therapist or clergy member. They need a neutral party to help them.
2007-07-05 15:54:05 · answer #1 · answered by indydst8 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
1 or 4
2007-07-05 16:18:18 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Military life is tough on spouses.It's like being a single parent. It sounds like she might be pulling away as a defense mechanism. Sometimes spouses get used to the "alone ness" involved with an absent spouse and it feels like an intrusion when they come home and want to participate in decision making of everyday life or worse, being critical of the decisions that were made (not saying this is the case with you) . The things she does alone all of the time.. It can feel unfair. Can you try "courting her"? You know, flowers, cards, dinner..things you did when you were dating, before the kids. Line up a baby sitter. Try to make her remember why she fell in love with you and you with her. Give her space, but don't try to act like an equal partner at home right off the bat. Ease back into it. Understand why she has made the decisions she has made.
Ultimately, though, it takes a very strong couple to keep a marriage together with all of the separation involved with active duty. It's not easy at all. Try counseling before deciding on divorce.
Hope this helps and good luck
2007-07-05 16:08:47 · answer #3 · answered by maxmom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'll answer this question as a wife who had wanted space - although my ex-husband and I were not involved in the military, his job did require him to travel a lot and I missed him. I know that when I asked him to move out I truly believed that, perhaps, that would help him to understand that what I needed from him was not only his time but also his participation. I thought, when he moved out, that he would make more of an effort and try to recooperate the closeness we once had. I wanted him to: call me up and make a date with me - to go to dinner or to the movies; I wanted him to bring me flowers; I wanted him to take walks with me or to plan to do something special with me for the day; I wanted him to ask me what I needed and then maybe surprise me with doing some of the things - be it clean the house or do the laundry; I wanted to go out dancing with him but I wanted him to call me up and ask me to do it. Of course, everyone has their own language of love, and I'm sure that this wife in question isn't just asking for space but has things she really wished her husband would do that would be meaningful to her - perhaps she has asked him to do them before and he does it for a day or two and then forgets - or perhaps she tries to show him by doing for him what she wished he would do for her. I think that:
1. Yes, give her space.
2. I think everyone should try everything in their power to avoid divorce - if you can leave the situation right now knowing that you did your very best and tried your hardest and can walk away and never think "what if" then perhaps divorce is the right path for you.
3. I think he can start paying attention to what "love" means to his wife - is it letters, special dinners, helping with chores, calling more often - the list is long. Relationships take work, commitment, compromise and truly caring about the other person - if you have that, then you can truly sit down and say "What does love mean to you?" and listen with an open heart and choose to put love into action.
4. I think every person is different. My problem with my ex-husband wasn't how much time he gave me - how much space he gave me. My problem was that he never changed his behavior - and believe me we waited 6 years and lived in two different states before I decided that I had enough and was ready to find someone else ... waited until I felt I had done everything I could and the half-way mark wasn't even close to being touched. Giving her space is one thing - but you have to actively love her too in the way she needs or all the space in the world won't change a thing.
2007-07-05 16:04:22 · answer #4 · answered by JestersOwn 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They need to go to individual counseling and then to marriage counseling once they figure out what they want in the relationship and from each other. If you are a friend you will remain neutral and just suggest that they seek the counseling. If either are having affairs...IT should END NOW. Having another person in the mix will do nothing but confuse the issue within their marriage.
2007-07-05 16:07:45 · answer #5 · answered by makinitthru 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think there is a HUGE lack of communication here by both parties. She wants space but thinks he doesn't spend enough time with her. Marriage counselling might help close the gap of communication, but it will not happen over night. Why not try to plan a date to comfortably talk to one another and openly express both parties needs. If you aren't comfortable talking, then write it down. The two of you need to talk to each other. If she is feeling overwhelmed with all of the children, etc., say so, work it out, compromise. Good luck.
2007-07-05 16:07:03 · answer #6 · answered by bigmom 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs time to herself and time with him, it makes sense with 4 kids. They need a babysitter, family member or Friend that would watch the kids every one or two weeks, which would allow them time to themselves to get to know each other all over again. They can take turns planning the dates and make each one a spontaneous event, from hot dogs on a truck tailgate to fancy restaurants, so nothing gets boring or predictable. Being alone makes people talk and it just might be what this couple needs to remind themselves why they decided to love each other to begin with. -With love from another army wife.
2007-07-05 16:07:27 · answer #7 · answered by Bragg Wmn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the "space" thing never works. i think it's basically a trial run to see how well one can get along without the other.
marriage counseling is the only thing i can think of..if two people want to stay together - they work on staying together! not apart.
2007-07-05 16:22:49 · answer #8 · answered by shyanne 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage counseling
2007-07-05 15:52:54 · answer #9 · answered by All That Glitters isn't Gold 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Counseling...couples.
Put some effort into regaining trust and building the relationship back.
2007-07-05 15:57:34 · answer #10 · answered by Kaia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋