Why do we always blame the cheaters?

Question

Why is it that everyone always blames the cheaters. Should the other party not take some of the responsibility? If the other half was not there emotionally or physically, should they not be held up to the same ridicule? Everyone always says to get out of the relationship before you cheat. However, I think that if you are not invested in the relationship enough to show affection, communicate, and love the other person you should also get out of the relationship - or at the very least seek counselling. Keep in mind I am not condoning either side. I am just wondering why cheating is frowned upon more than anything else in a relationship.

Also, I have been married for ten years and have never even thought about cheating on my husband. I am just curious as to what people think.

smpayne4 - I am not defending the cheaters. I specifically stated that I am not condoning either side. I think cheating is wrong, as well as neglect, physical, and emotional abuse. You sound a wee bit angry, and quite possibly hostile.

Answer 1

I think people are so quick to judge when they really don't understand someone elses situation. I try not to judge anyone.
Why most ppl blame the cheater is because they chose to look for whatever was missing in their marriage with someone outside their marriage, instead of trying to work with their spouse to improve their marriage. They broke their commitment, betrayed trust and took the weak way out.

I agree with you, though, I think the other party should take some responsibility a lot of the time.
I don't think anyone needs to be denied love, affection, understanding, listening, nice treatment, whatever....on a regular basis. Some spouses do, and then wonder why their husband/wife cheats. Should the cheater have gone out on them to get their needs met? I have been that unhappy before, and although I never cheated, I can't judge someone else for trying to be happy. I totally get why they would.

On a separate note, what is also funny to me is how if a man cheats on his wife the other woman gets more blame by other ppl than the man does. Like the man is helpless once the blood runs away from his brain to his other parts. What a joke! He is STILL the most responsible for his actions.
Even if she did try to seduce him, he can always say no.

I have been married 18 years, and I have not cheated. If I were ever unhappy enough, I would probably just leave. If I had kids, though, maybe I would feel different. Maybe that is why some people cheat, they are unhappy but they don't feel like they can leave? I don't know :-)

Anyway, God bless and thanks for the interesting question!

Answer 2

The cheater who gets the blame is usually the one who is part of the relationship that's damaged. Mainly because the other who was involved in the cheating is often unknown. Very few cheating partners associate with a neighbor or best friend or someone close to the injured party, unless the relationship has become so weak that it wouldn't matter. FYI: It's nice to know that you'll never cheat on your hubby. Hope he feels the same.

Answer 3

Why? Because the cheater has a choice - always. As you said, they could seek counceling, they could talk it out with their spouse, or they could go. Most choose not to do any of that. They don't want to put the effort into their relationship, they don't want to "move on", they want to have more, without giving up anything that they have. Cheating is a purely selfish act - the cheater wants something that makes THEM feel better.
So why do we blame the cheater more? Because they lie, in order to cheat. They will often run their partner down, in order to justify the cheating. They endanger their partners, by not letting them know that they are being unfaithful. And they are the ones who broke their promises to be faithful.
In a relationship, there are always ups and downs, but surely if you profess to love your partner, then you should be willing to work through it with them, and not seek out a distraction, which appears at least, to benefit only the one partner?

***Interesting to note that most of those here who have said its both partners' fault, also admit to having cheated themselves.

Answer 4

I have been married for 13 years and have never cheated, and neither has my husband.

The cheater SHOULD be the one to blame when they go outside of the marriage regardless of the other partners lack of physical and emotional availability.

The ramifications of cheating can involve passing on a social disease that may not be curable and can kill you, and can bring an innocent and possibly unwanted child into the world.

Obviously the consequences of that weigh more heavily than being unavailable to your partner.

It is the ultimate betrayal of trust and humiliation for the other spouse. That is why cheating is frowned upon!

Answer 5

i believe that before u decide to cheat one needs to do everything possible to save the relationship they are in, but most of the time its due to the presence of someone else in the relationship that is the real cause of the divorce, not that they have some problems, because every marriage has its ups and downs, but it seems that as soon as there is another love interest, that divorce soon follows. the person cheating is the one who is responsible for the breakup because most any problem can be worked out, with the exception of cheating.

Answer 6

If you are in a relationship, the assumption is that you are somewhat mature and in control of yourself.

By placing blame on the partner of the cheater for not "being there" you're basically saying that the cheater is a child who is not capable of higher thought, and needs to be watched, like a toddler, by their partner.

It is ALWAYS the cheater's fault. They chose to do the action. No one pushed them to it. They could have talked to their partner. They could have gone to counseling. They could have, worst comes to worst, broken up. But they didn't. They chose to break the fundamental trust of the relationship.

I have cheated (a very long time ago, and have never done it since) and been cheated on. Every time, it is the cheaters fault.

If I wanted a baby, I'd have one. But I don't. I want a mature adult partner.

Answer 7

A cheater is simply someone who chooses to satisfy their own selfish "wants" (not needs) at the expense of someone else. A person who cheats does it because they are weak and selfish, it doesn't have anything to do with their spouse or significant other. There's NEVER any excuse for cheating, it can be prevented 100% by simply not doing it. It's a choice that people make.

Answer 8

If a person in a marriage cheats, he or she has breached the trust. If the couple loves one another they would not do that. It is something very difficult to overcome. If a couple cannot communicate and one feels that their needs are not being met, they should enter counseling, talk with family, friends or most importantly their spouse about the problem. How can anything be solved when you bring another person sexually into the relationship? Marriage is based on trust and love.

Answer 9

And we could ask why are you defending them? Regardless of what goes on in a relationship doesnt mean the cheater should go out and spread their "love" to everyone else. It is always the cheaters fault.. have a little more respect for your partner and say.. I am not happy, and this is why... if your that unhappy leave that person.. have some f**in respect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

I don't think cheating is frowned upon more than anything else in a relationship - I think it is just more easy to prove, identify and relate to - I think emotional abuse or like you spoke of abandonment - is equally terrible - but harder for the outside world to see. Also, I know for a fact that not all people cheat because their partners were not there emotionally or physically for them - so that is a poor sterotype/excuse. Yes, you should get out of a relationship before you cheat - but there are many reasons why people cheat and while some people may feel their partner "left them no choice but to cheat" - there is always a choice and always a better way and many of the cheaters out there - don't cheat for such "acceptable" (not really) reasons.