Please tell me depression and despair after divorce goes away...?

Question

Wife of 6 yrs left 9 months ago and I am STILL dieing inside and feel like it I will never be happy again. Shouldn't I be over it now?

Answer 1

It will go away...

There is not timetable for grieving... yes, grieving. The death of a marriage and the loss of the hopes and dreams you had built around it are a difficult loss to face. Be patient with yourself.

I recommend that you start keeping a journal, and perhaps consider counseling of some sort. You want to not dwell on your loss, but instead allow yourself the opportunity to work through the myriad of emotions you have and to cull whatever lessons you can learn from the experience.

Consider how the relationship evolved and then de-evolved, and what role you played in the process. Even in the rare cases where one person is clearly innocent while the other is totally responsible, they both played a part in how everything unfolded. Usually, the 'victim' has 'enabled' the actions of the other by tolerating behaviors that someone with healthy self-esteem would never allow. (yes, I am speaking from personal experience)

Not only will this help you work through the feelings in order to move past them, it will also help you grow as an individual and decrease the likelihood of you repeating the same patterns in a future relationship (yes, you will find someone else).

Then you need to redefine your identity as an individual, at this stage of your life. While it may seem intimidating, you are in a position many envy you have the freedom to do what you want and to start fresh, in a sense.

Consider who YOU are, reconsider all the dreams you had for yourself as a child and young adult (before becoming 'coupled'). Usually there are things that we wanted but had to give up on for the sake of the relationship… now is your opportunity!

By pursuing the interests that really make you happy, you will become more active in life, make new friends, and one of those friendships can lead to someone new one day, when you are ready. And when that happens, you will have the benefit of having regained your identity and self-confidence.

Hang in there, be patient with yourself and have faith!

Answer 2

You are mourning the death of your marriage ... and like the grief we suffer when someone we love dies, it takes TIME to recover. You are actually 'right on schedule' ... you're suffering the depression and despair, but even by just asking your question here, you are beginning to 'notice' that something is 'wrong' and trying to 'stop it' ... and that is one of the last 'steps' in the grief process. In three months or so (it could be up to six months if you like 'wallowing' in your despair) you'll be ready to 'let go' of your old marriage and to move on with your life. Start laying the groundwork now, by looking at some 'different' groups you can join ... doing something that is 'new and exciting to you.' If you love books, then join a hiking group. If you love hiking, then join a book club. Start by just going to the meetings ... your life will 'bloom' like a flower, and you'll find that you are 'back in the swing of things' before you notice it. BUT, to be 'best' you'll need a way to 'lay your marriage to rest' ... try writing the 'good things' about your wife down on strips of paper, roll them up and put them into a balloon that you can have filled with helium. Take that balloon to a beach or field, and say 'I'm sorry we didn't make it. I did love you. Goodbye, dear (her name)' and then let the balloon go. I have a 'story' for those balloons ... the 'fly to the moon' to the place where all of the good and important balloons go (even those that 'break') to 'live happily forever after' in a 'balloon heaven.' That is where you will be sending your 'thoughts' about your ex-wife ... they'll be TOTALLY SAFE THERE and you can go on to live your life fully. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 3

I don't think that all the feelings that you have for someone you really care about ever fully go away. They do get easier to deal with though after time. What you need to do is get yourself feeling better about you right now. Start working out, eat healthy, get out meet new people, get out and play some golf. If you have the means, take a vacation, maybe to vegas (hit up the bunny ranch) haha. There isn't anything wrong with doing things to make yourself happy. Keep the head high and get out there and meet some new woman!

Answer 4

hey....it's been a little over two years since my husband left. the first year or so was so hard. there were good days and bad days. if you're comfortable, i recommend talking with a counselor about it. it's always good to have someone who is a caring, objective listener. i relied so much on support people, like sisters and family. so don't beat up on yourself! it takes a while to heal. you've experienced a huge loss in your life. but i can speak from experience when i tell you that it won't always be hard. you WILL have better, happier days. two years later, i'm doing really well. i am a happy person again! good things are around the corner for you.

Answer 5

Over the last five years I had begun to have increasingly withdraw into a downward spiral of depression..

But now with the method I can fully focus my energy and thoughts into a decisive line on how to make my life better constantly. And it works like magic! I'm beginning to attract people to me once again and things have just been looking up since then.

Helping you eliminate depression?

Answer 6

Everybody has their own way of mourning, and in their own time. Yes, you are mourning. You need to find something else to fill your time. Maybe join a softball team, or volunteer for the Boys and Girls club of something, to fill in those hours when you would otherwise be thinking of your ex. Also, set some sort goal for yourself. (buy a new car, take a vacation, build a model airplane) Anything that gets your mind working on something else.

Answer 7

After divorce, it can take awhile for depression to go away. Just hang in there, everything will get back to normal. You could try dating again, some people find that helpful.

Answer 8

I've been divorced for over a year now, and it dosn't really go away it just gets replaced, it's hard to do but when you find something else you focus on that and eventualy most of the time you don't notice it.

Answer 9

It does go away, but the first year is always the worst ... and I was the one who asked for the divorce! Get into counseling -- that will help tremendously not only as far as getting over your failed marriage but in helping you not bring poisonous baggage from it into future relationships.

Answer 10

You should do things to try to move forward with your life. You need to let her go, even if that means her being happy without you. You need to do things for yoursef and move forward. Don't dwell. Its ok to hurt but don't let it consume you. Learn from any mistakes you made and taake this time in your life to learn how to be content with yourself . It gets easier, but you have to accept the reality and stop dwelling on it. You can't change how things are, you have to push forward and think about doing things in your life that are going to make you happy.