Please help me settle this fight between my husband and me. Am I wrong?

Question

Last night we went to the 4th of July fireworks. It was me, our two kids (4 &1), my husbands Mother and her fiance, my husbands brother and his new girlfriend. We got there and as we were unpacking the blankets and such my husband told me he needed to find a restroom. His brother and the girlfriend went too. About 45 minutes later, his Mother called his brothers cell to find out where they were since the fireworks were starting. They came back and had been hanging out at the bar. My husbands drinking drives me crazy. Anyway, he came back and said "sorry, we found the bar". I came back with "I'm glad you chose that over your family". He tried to get all cuddly with me and I told him I was upset and to leave me alone. he asked what he could do to make it better. I told him to sit over there (pointing to where his brother was). On the way home he told me what a B___ I was and to not talk to him. He told me his parents hate me now. Was I wrong? The silent treatment continues.

His drinking at holiday parties has been an ongoing issue for a while. I think he definitly has a problem, he says he just likes to have a good time and relax.

Whoa, Ha ha...I've been misunderstood. It's not me giving the silent treatment. I stopped doing that back in high school. LOL.

Answer 1

One of the "acid test" questions to ask yourself when wondering if you are an alcoholic is:
"Has your drinking ever caused problems with loved ones in your life? "

Note the question does not ask if they ( the loved ones ) were wrong, or right or if it was once or a dozen times. It simply asks "ever". If the answer is YES, then you have a problem. If you can choose alcohol over the happiness and trust of loved ones.....then you have a problem. If you can look at the tears on the face of a loved one and try to justify your drinking in any way, shape or form.....you have a problem.
One of the "dead give-away" signs of alcoholism is that they ( the alcoholic ) is NEVER wrong. About ANYTHING. Even the smallest detail. It is ALWAYS someone elses fault.
Anybody who is not an alcoholic should be able to stop drinking totally for 30 days without even a tremour if they even THINK they are causing a loved one pain. Just to see what happens if for no other reason.
You cannot MAKE him stop. You cannot MAKE him get help. But you CAN get help for yourself and your children and learn how to take care of yourselves. Taking care of yourself and your children may even mean leaving him. Seek out some help for yourselves. Your doctor, your social services, your local women's shelter, the internet will all have numbers to local assistance in your area.
OR
You can do nothing and continue living as you are now. Thats a choice too. You will survive. Your kids on the other hand.........

Answer 2

Being upset with him and letting him know that is fine, he shouldn't have been that long or at least called.

But let him know you didn't appreciate what he did and let it go - at least if you can't don't ruin the whole night for everyone and instead could you have not acted like normal then let him have it when you got home? I would have been ticked off at you too.

Now the silent treatment - what are you 12? Can't you talk about it like an adult and just move on?

Ha! Let me rephrase then - What is HE 12? He needs to learn that if he wants you to get over something and not affect the family he needs to walk that walk as well.

Answer 3

I think you are dealing with a on going pain in your stomach everytime he drinks huh?? My ex wasn't a constant alcoholic by any means...but when alcohol was present...it stole all his attention. He would turn into someone I didn't even recognize. My point...if he respects you and your kids, then bypassing the bar to get back to you is more important. When he has to struggle with the choice...then you know you have a problem that probably won't get fixed by just being mad at him. You need to dive deeper and deal with the root pain of your relationship. If you play the anger game it'll get you no where, but if you come at him sensibly...you have a better chance at affecting the outcome. Good luck!!!

Answer 4

I think it's justified that he only drinks at holiday parties. Nothing wrong with relaxing and having a good time on a Holiday!! I can understand if he gets so drunk that he doesn't know what he's doing, but as he says he's only relaxing and enjoying his holiday. I could see you being upset if he drank everynight or every weekend but I think you need to let him enjoy his holiday by having a drink or two and not make such a big deal of it, that it becomes a major issue that gets you mad. Just let him know you don't mind him having a drink or two but as long as he can still be responsible for himself and the children at the same time. You both need to Kiss and make-up for your children sake.

Answer 5

Having been married to an alcoholic (and now divorced from one), I know EXACTLY what you are describing. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

He definitely has a problem. It's a circle you are both in. He screws up, you get mad, he tries to "make it better", then gets mad at you when you won't just let it go away and says hurtful things. Now you're feeling guilty because he's giving you the silent treatment. Am I right?

This is NOT your fault. He needs help and to grow up. Problem is that he won't go unless he is ready.

You, however, can get some help for yourself... either through Al Anon or through a counselor. You have to learn ways to break this circle and change your behavior that contributes to it, learn to counteract or check his part of it.

It's not easy, but it can be done. I wish you luck.

Answer 6

It wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't bothering you. My father in law has the same issue, I think he is the funny kind of drunk, but my husband, mother in law and sisters in law hate they way he starts drinking without stopping in every single event...

Even if you are upset try not to have fights in front of his family, or in front of your kids, you two might work things out later, but others might not forget things as fast and could take a harmful side (i.e. providing vocal support that later causes more problems).

Talk to your husband when he is good and sober, and try to see if you can commit to something, for example, could you let him drink if he is responsible enough to ask someone else (maybe you) to drive? if he doesn't turn violent/abusive? AND if he can stop if you ask him to for YOUR special occasions?... if you can't commit that is OK, but it will be difficult for him to comply, if you want your marriage to work, try to set goals that both of you can achieve.

Good luck,

Answer 7

Your retort to his excuse summed up the situation exactly. He is behaving like a spoilt child instead of discussing it with you. Write him a letter outlining how you felt last night and how you are concerned with his alcohol consumption & give it to him without speaking.

As to the current impasse, continue life as normal. If he chooses not to respond then that is his problem. I suggest you engage in some serious retail therapy (shopping) to allieve your stress too & don't tell him where you are going.

Answer 8

His drinking is definitely a serious issue, but you didn't help the situation by refusing to accept his (half-hearted) apology and making the entire evening tense and uncomfortable for everyone. Your "silent treatment" is passive-aggressive, and not a positive solution to the problem.

You need to admit that you two are stuck in a negative spiral - he's addicted to alcohol, and you're enabling him by either nagging him or not giving him serious consequences. You and your husband both need to see a marriage counselor IMMEDIATELY, and he needs to admit that his drinking is negatively impacting his life, and enroll in some sort of treatment program.

Is "winning" the argument worth "losing" at your marriage? Break out of the petty fights and dive into the heart of the problem, and take some positive steps toward fixing it.

Answer 9

totally totally rude.. how would he like it if he was waiting for you- but, you 'wanted to go shopping for an hour".. don't think he'd be to happy.
yea, sounds like he has a problem with drinking - don't know if you can get him help if he's not ready to get help himself.
his parents hate you now?? and , this bothers you... why? lol btw- he might just be saying that -
tell him he better get his priorities straightened out or he can move in with his mommy that hates you.

Answer 10

Get him some space.Maybe he have something in his heart n he need to tell somebody other than u.Or maybe he didn't want u to feel what actually has happen to him.Don't suspect so much n don't b so selfish.Think over to his ways.