How can I save this marriage?

Question

I have been with my husband for 15 years...we dated for 7 years, married for 7 years and have been separated and living apart for the past year. We have a 4 year old daughter. He is living several states away and has a job that involves travel every day of the week. About 2 years into our marriage we had a miscarriage and following that my husband had an affair with a married co-worker. When I found out it devastated me and I went into a downward spiral. About 5 months later I became pregnant unexpectedly. We agreed we loved each other and wanted to work it out. But we struggled over the next couple of years with trust issues, depression, jealousy, doubt. Last year I found out my husband was having a 2nd affair with another married coworker. I angrily confronted him and packed his bags and he left. The past year he has progressed greatly in his affair with this woman. I have told him I love him and am sorry for the past and want to save our marriage and family. He has rejected me. Help

I know his behavior is wrong. I know my daughter and I deserve better..I just want better from him. Infidelity was always something I feared because I did not thing I could handle that. My husband was my best friend and the first affair devastated me beyond belief. I know I was wrong in not having a forgiving spirit and for holding a grudge and being angry and depressed. And he did continue to have problems with honesty. He would lie about anything to avoid conflict. And every time it was a setback in trust. The thing is, we both have made mistakes. Why can't we both find a way to forgive each other and move past this, especially for our child's sake. I know he loved me...which is why it is so hard to understand or make sense of this. He is so infatuated with his mistress that he puts them not only before our marriage but before his own daughter. He bailed out on his weekend to come and see his child to stay with his mistress and lied he was at home sick. I know it sounds hopeless.

Answer 1

Bag lady you gone miss your bus, you cant hurry up cause you got too much stuff...

One of my favorite songs by Erykah Badu... What I am trying to say is, he is now dead weight to you. He has cheated, and has expressed no interest in being married to you. I am so sorry this has happened to you but honey I dont honestly see any way that your marriage can be saved when he doesnt also want it to be. He rejected you, he doesnt want to be married to you, and there is nothing that you can do to convince him. There is nothing that you can do to win him back or sway him, and furthermore you really shouldnt be trying. The man who loves you will not need all this to be with you, he wont need you pressuring and pleading and trying alone because he will be trying right along with you.

I say, get some therapy and work on healing and let him go. you take care of YOU for the sake of your babies... It absolutely sucks *** that men get to be jerks and cheaters and have these seemingly fun lives while mom gets stuck with the children and the stress and the emotional burden and baggage.

Bag lady you gon hurt your back
draggin' all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you how
All you must hold on to is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gon get in your way
one day all them bags gon get in your way
I said one day all them bags gon get in your way

So pack light, hooo hooo
Let it go let it go let it go let it go... I wish you the best honey... I really do. I dont know what the hell I would do in your situation. Surround yourself with strong and positive women who can help you and support you. It will be tough but its far better to let it go and heal than to allow him to continue to cheat and hurt you... oh and honey RIP HIM TO SHREDS IN COURT!!! Gather your strength and make him pay! sorry to be so vindictive at the end of an otherwise sweet and throughtful comment....

Answer 2

Hi,
I am the first to always respond with sacrifice, do-what-you-have-to do thoughts to save the marriage but this man's track record betrays a future of trust. You must realize that you have done more than your part to hang on and make it work, but there is a time when it becomes evident that one partner is not going to make the right choices and that there is no future in that. God, nor anyone else, wants anyone to live like that and with infidelity on his part in your marriage you are free to move on. Especially if you have tried to reconcile in those circumstances - you have to realize that he has made his choice and you have to move on.
And if your story is correct you can do so with a clear conscience. It is tough for kids and that is the pain.
Get some counseling, and someone with your heart is sure to do well in the future.
You deserve some happiness too.
God bless, I'll pray for you. (I've been there too) Your life will get better.

Answer 3

Excuse me, from what I am hearing, you have no REASON to apologize, you've done nothing wrong.
Your only mistake, if any, is being TOO understanding and TOO forgiving!
I am all for saving marriages and relationships, I am totally committed to that! You ceased having a marriage in its truest sense a LONG TIME AGO. I believe that your husband is sending you a CLEAR message with his affairs and maybe you should start listening. The problem of saving your marriage should be a SHARED problem. No matter who is at fault, but certainly not one sided towards the only innocent person. His actions speak VERY Loud and CLEAR.

Search your soul and ask yourself is this person capable of change and will change, change this person. for instance, does he REALLY WANT a monogamous relationship.


A child must not be the deciding factor on staying married, it should carry a lot of weight but if people are not completely committed to fulfilling their marriage vows, than it could create a living hell for that child. Remember children copy what they see and what they see first are their parents.
Sometimes you have to decide if saving your marriage is destroying your family.
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Answer 4

I know you think you love him , but why want to save a marriage that has been wrong from the start. He has been cheating on your twice, and that's only the one you know about. Why are you telling him you're sorry when he should be the one to tell you he's sorry. It seems to me like he has the beautiful life away from home, having affairs , while you're taking care of your kids and destroying your life wondering what you did wrong.
You should be happy that he is gone. I know you have a family but sometimes it's better for the children to be away from a family that obviously has some major problems. You should concentrate on you and your kids and leave him out of the equation. I don't think he deserves you anymore.
There is out there a wonderful man who would love you and cherish you the way you deserve to be love... Sadly but obviously your marriage is over.
Move on by yourself and for yourself. You don't need a man in your life to be happy. Maybe it's time that you look forward at what you want in your life without worrying about someone Else's feelings especially if that someone doesn't care about you.
I hope you find the happiness you're looking for.
Good luck

Answer 5

This is your chance to learn to move on, Hon. It's a life lesson on how to be responsible for yourself, and set BOUNDARIES with people. He has proven he is not trustworthy twice. Do you want to live an example in front of your children that it's acceptable to have someone treat them in this fashion? I know it's terribly hard. I feel for you, but this is YOUR opportunity to have something better. Out of this terrible pain will come something WAY better than you had before. You just have to be strong enough to take it. YOU cannot fix this marriage, Sweetheart. It takes two, and the other party has proven more than once that he does NOT care about you. Find some strength to move on. You'll be better off in the long run.

Answer 6

Heart broken, move on. Get a divorce and start a new life. You don't need this guy. You have low self esteem problems or you would never put up with his disrespecting bad behavior. Every time he has had an affair he has rejected you, now it's your turn to reject the je*k yourself. You don't love him, you just want what you think you can't have, get over it. He will never be a good husband, he has proved that to you. Have some self respect and stop being the clingy little insecure wife. Become the self confident X wife.

Answer 7

Well why would you even want to be with this man? He's been unfaithful to you twice, and probably some times that you don't even know about. If it's not working out then move on. That's the best thing to do. I mean if it where a different situation and there were just to many problems then you could work it out, but he's cheated! The first time should of been enough for you. " Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". And I don't understand why you would be apologizing to him, what in the hell did you do? nothing! but try to make things work. Men are pigs!

Answer 8

I am sorry you are hurting. You guys have a lot of history together. It sounds like he doesn't want to be married to you anymore. You can't get him to do anything he doesn't want to do. For your kid, pull yourself together.
I think a therapist would help you a lot. I am not saying you are mentally ill or anything cause you sound ok to me but a therapist can help you sort through your feelings.
Once you get perspective and the pain goes away, you can work on loving yourself and your daughter and not needing a man. Oh and make sure you get your child support and alimony girl you deserve it!

Answer 9

Why wuold you want to go threw this again..he cheated twice he will do it again..I suggest you stop looking back and look forwatd. There is someone out there that will treat you with the respect that you deserve! This marriage could be saved but do u really want it to be?

Answer 10

You need a man a real man not a kid.Your a grown woman and can make good choices don't undermind YOU.You deserve all that is good.He's a loser big time.Sorry for being harsh but face it.Dreams are broken daily and new ones are made daily Peace