Boyfriend doesn't want to marry, expecting child, when do you move on?

Question

I am 26 years old, and am expecting a child this month. We have been together almost two years and it's very obvious he has fears of alimony, child support, and feels pressured that I want to marry him. We have seen a counselor for the last four months and we know that we do not have the best communication. So we are not perfect but who is. He claims he wants to wait until we don't have that as an issue. I didn't have insurance prior so I'm on medicaid which could come back financially on us down the road. I'm simply a women who has dreamt about being married since I was little, and if a man is stressed out and feels pressured even after two years, when does one walk away to peruse being truly happy and finding a man to love me unconditionally? I would love him to be my husband and have a family, truly I am in a situation where pregnancy was unplanned (was on depo). I have tried my very best to not be a statistic, thus is life. I just want a man who feels the way I do.

We are trying to work things out with professional help, however I have read why would a man marry a woman when he gets everything he wants. We live together, we sleep together, he gets packed lunches and breakfast... I don't want to leave to see if he comes running. I just believe if a man isn't interested in marrying you by his actions why stick around? I do want my child to have her father, and have a great family, but I also would rather find the man who can accept us while she is young so she doesn't go through what I did with step parents. :( My counceler tells me I'm wrong for voicing that opinion. But in all honesty, I don't think a man is worth more than a year after she's born to figure it out. God, when men love a woman, they want to get married. I shouldn't have to worry about if and when he will marry me.

We didn't move in until I was 4 months pregnant just to set that straight.

Answer 1

Oh sweetheart you deserve to have a man whol will love you unconditionally. To me a true man cannot watch a woman that he loves go through a pregnancy from the start and not feel that there is some connection there that is bigger than life itself. He is going to have the child support issue whether he likes it or not. Getting married doesn't change that aspect at all. He has a real commitment issue and it's sad. This may fall on the wrong ears but God gives us all the tools we need for healthy relationships and marriages in the bible. So many feel tied down but if you try God's way you will find the best friend in your mate that you could have only dreamed of. I just feel that people who truly get along well to begin with don't fear this sort of thing. It's not normal. You need a real man that will stand up in front of the world and proclaim that this is his family who he will die to protect and provide for. Who knows maybe just telling him that you're not interested in this situation and are willing to move on will be enough to make him change his mind.

Answer 2

If you live together or near each other and basically have fun and get along and usually understand each other's feelings, don't push the issue. Probably if you just subtly cool it a bit, and without too much talk, start looking for other options, he'll be more attracted to you as you grow and get stronger, and remember he's the baby's daddy, and I've watched enough court TV to know it's not a good thing when families have to get angry and sue and argue over custody, etc.
I've known couples that had children and stayed together for years without all the legal obligations of marriage.
If he's a responsible guy and has a good heart, he'll want to see his child, and if you're still having fun together (U 2)
maybe the marriage bridge can be crossed when you're both sure, but I wouldn't start getting all emotional and angry and feel 'cheated and unloved' yet.
If there's family pressure, that's a tough one, ask s.o.else.
But you need to realize that it's very possible you'll be the primary supporter of the child, and if you get nasty with dad just because he won't marry you, you're seeing it as an
all-or-nothing issue, and I think you should calmly back off for a while, start thinking independently, and let him go in your mind. If he's still fun, go out together and have fun, but if you coolly start talking less about "you and me" and "our future", he'll probably be more intrigued by your mystery, and warm up.
If he's a loser and a user, cut him off to just a drip, just enough to remain civilized in front of your children, and take care of yourself. Try to be kind to each other, even if you don't stay together. There may very well be someone better out there.
Ultimately, tho, there's a better chance dad will love his own child better than another man, and lots of men don't want to deal with a woman with kids already.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

I would say the stress of the unplanned pregnancy is making his worries even worse. Keep up with the counseling and after you have the child will become the true test. He just has to remember that even if you aren't married he still has to provide for his child even if you aren't together. Child support can be granted even if you have never been married.

My sister and her husband waited 3 years after their first was born before they got married. They wanted to make sure it was going to work as hers was also an unplanned pregnancy. They are now happily married with 4 children!

Don't rush into marriage. It may sound like the right thing to do, but you can be a family without having the rings on your finger. I've watched it happen!

Answer 4

It's a difficult position to be in. But here are some questions you'll want to ask him: when would the time be right? What constitutes a "good marriage" in his mind? What are "the right reasons" to get married? The answers to those questions will help you see whether he's worth waiting around for.

Now, here's the complication: you're not just waiting around for you anymore. This man is the father of your child. If he's more worried about you nailing him for child support than he is about being a good dad, you're in the wrong relationship. That's going to have to be another conversation.

Whether you EVER marry or not, you are forever connected by this child. He's going to have to do some big thinking between now and when you deliver to figure out what his role is going to be, what kind of influence he's going to have (because he will have an influence, no matter what he wants to do) and how involved he's going to be in the next generation of his family.

And you're going to have some thinking to do. If you call it quits with this guy, it's going to be hard to start a new relationship, even if it's with your soulmate, when you have an infant (then a toddler) to care for alone. On the other hand, you will rub off on your child if you stay in a miserable, unfulfilling relationship with a guy who won't commit to the two of you.

You may not have the perfect communication styles, but you're both going to have to set aside your personal feelings, fears and desires to figure out--as parents--how your new little baby is going to get along in this big, cold world.

Best of luck to you--

Answer 5

I think that if it's not working now it won't ever work. I hate to tell you that but I also hate to tell you to keep this going and keep trying when you know deep down inside you'll never be happy and neither will he. You need to walk away from him and ask him to support the child. You need to find a man that's going to worship you and want your child and marry you and give you his life and cherish you. Obviously the guy you're with right now isn't giving you that. Do you really want to live the exact same way 10 years down the road or more and realize that you lost out on some serious love that you could have had from someone else? How is he going to treat your baby? Did I mention that i'm single? LOL

Answer 6

This is why I preach so hard against premarital sex and shacking up. After 2 years of living together, there isn't any such thing as rushing to get married. My husband would call If this guy cared at all about you, he would have made your union a legal and binding one. As it is now, if something should happen to him, you will have NO SAY in what happens. You will not get one penny from any savings he may have. You won't even be able to stay in his house unless your name is on it as well. His parents will. So no, you are not a legal family unless the I DO's have been said. living together for two years dilly dallying around. Now you can start preaching to other young women as to why it's such a bad idea. Next time no sex or shacking up until your wedding night. The child doesn't need the drama of men in and out of your lives. Good luck.

Answer 7

I hope all the folks out there who think they are in love or just want to have sex because if feels so great read your letter.

You have a lifetime commitment ahead of you with this child just one month away. I suggest that you totally focus on raising the child and that might mean giving up the guy. Do not chase him. If he is ready for commitment (with you AND THE CHILD), he will come to you. If he runs, he's not good enough to be more than the biological father.

Meanwhile, again, focus on the child and not your love life after the baby is born.

Answer 8

If he hasn't married you by now, he never will. Your first mistake was putting yourself in a live-in situation. Because marriages almost never result from live-in situations. When marriages do occur from live-ins, they almost never work out so your chance of getting married or having your marriage work out is slim to none. Plus, you already have piss-poor communication in your live-in situation so you're already headed for a break-up! My advice to you would be to pack your bags, move back to parents, and find another man. But, never, never do a live-in situation again and take some better birth control!

Answer 9

I'll bet he is giving you the "I don't want to get married" excuse...when he really means he just doesn't want to marry you. He is giving you a bunch of BS reasons not to get married, when the real reason is that he probably feels stuck with you especially now that a baby is on the way. He doesn't have the b*lls to come out and tell you he doesn't want to be with you, and it is not worth it waiting around for him to change when he never will.

Answer 10

Well if you love this guy and your happy being with him then why don't you just stay with him. He is the father of your child and your man. Just because it doesn't say on a piece of paper that you guys are married doesn't mean that it isn't the same thing. Just enjoy being with each other. When you are not happy being with him anymore, that is when you move on. But don't leave someone that your in love with and have history with just because you guys don't have the married title.