Is it too soon to committ?

Question

I met a man 6 weeks ago and he is absolutely wonderful. We spend alot of time together and get along great! I am presently on my 2nd divorce and dont want to jump into anything bad again, but hes so perfect, completely unlike my previous 2 husbands. He has spend some time at my house with my kids who are all in their late teens and he likes them. I want him to move in with me in the next couple months, I would be happy if by Sept, we will have known each other almost 5 months by then. We have talked of marriage, but I want to live together at least for a few months first. He has never been married and doesnt have any kids. How do I know that I am waiting long enough? I dont want to push him into anything but he says he wants to be with me forever. Also I dont want a big wedding, probably just a small service with immediate family and a meal, so once we decide to do it, planning wont be an issue. Right now I feel like I really want to do this, despite what I have already been through.

Ok first of all, i havent jumped from man to man, my first marriage was to an abusive alcoholic and it lasted 12 years. My second marriage was to a sex addict that I found cheating on me several times and participating in cyber sex, this marriage lasted 7 years. I have only been with one other man in my life, I lived with him for 2 years when I was in my late teens. So 3 men in 20 years.

Also, I said that I wanted to him to move in this fall, not today.

Also, I said that I wanted to him to move in this fall, not today. He lives an hour and a half away and the traveling every weekend is inconvenient. Once the snow flied I would like to be more settled.

Answer 1

Well, if it were me, I would talk my kids about it and gets their honest opinions. Also, as you said, live with him for a little while first. Me personally, I would want to be living with him for at least 6 months before getting married. I know you say he sounds perfect and all, but I wouldn't rush this. It won't kill you if you don't marry him right away, you can still be a happy couple without having the title of husband and wife. Give it some time just to be on the safe side. Also, keep your children's opinions and interests in mind. Congratulations on your man =)

Answer 2

Missy,

You are way too far along in this in your head, getting to wedding ideas already, when the question you're asking is still whether it's too soon to commit. I am in your situation, but from the guy's point of view. Everything is great with the girl and kids and everything. Together for over a year. You haven't come off your honeymoon with him, yet. How do you handle fights or disagreements? If you haven't had any, it's too soon to commit. How do you distribute and use your money? If that hasn't come up, yet - not just in discussion, but in application - it's too soon to commit. He sees a ready-made family and it's very romantic and a dream come true for him. Instant family! no waiting! no work! You see a person that fills in the missing piece of the pie. Instant famly completeness! It just doesn't happen that easily. My gf and I get along great. we've been through stuff that should break people up and we came through stronger. We both support her child as if she was both of ours and the child loves us both. I've seen every mood she has and she's seen every one of mine. But a lot of people have "patterns", not just moods. Some of these tend to happen unexplainably on 1-2 YEAR cycles. I'm talking patterns like: my girlfriend is known to be very close and ready to be married to someone ...and then every 2-3 years or so, gets the "itch" for a fresh start with someone else that might be out there that offers more. that's pretty scary, and you can't hide from it by saying (just like every other guy before me did) that" that could never happen with US". It can and, if you're not prepared, it will . We are on the verge of marriage and I see my own patterns coming into play, also. (I'm the never-been-married guy in this equation, remember.) I also have seen - not often, maybe twice in the time we've been together - that, when things are REALLY stacking up against her in her day/week/life, she gets so stubborn and cold that there is no being there for you and she talks like everyone, including me is her enemy. Everyone has these little neuroses. You're going to need time to see them. RIght now, everything is a bed of roses, but realize that a marriage and an entire life together is NOT romantic on the surface for it's whole time like you're seeing right now. The most romantic thing about a marriage is that, despite the fact that it becomes NOT romantic, irritating, and trying, you always make it through because of your dedication and committed agreement to always make it through.

I don;t think you're being dumb. You're just being shortsighted. I'm realy glad you found this guy and I can tell you that he feels very lucky to have you. But he loves the idea of the family a lot, too. Make sure that is not just what he loves most, but that it's you and THEN all the things that are a part of you. And give yourselves a year, guys. If you love each other enough to be married, neither ofyou are going anywhere, anyway. You'll be amazed what you learn about someone in that time, when you already thought you knew EVERYTHING. You don't know everything about him. and he doesn't know everything about you. Take the time, build the foundation and NEVER go through your 3rd divorce. If this guy is this important to you, make it something permanent without even the OPTION of divorce. Three strikes and you're out of the game.

Answer 3

I feel that 6 weeks is too soon for anything. Don't worry about "moving in" or the ceremony quite yet. There's nothing wrong in committing to getting to know each other better, but talking about marriage when you don't even know the guy that well is waaay too early. Just enjoy the relationship, and time will tell whether or not you are going to be together in the long run. Just about anyone can seem "perfect" in the first couple of months - this doesn't mean you are compatible in the long-term.

Answer 4

2 Divorces? Don't rush into anything, and don't have him move in. You'll should have your seperate places until you get married. Statistics show that people who live together before marriage are even more likely to get divorced. Give this some time, at least a year. Sound's like you haven't probably made the greatest decisions in the passed and there's no need to ruch into anything. Think about it, if he really loves you and is the perfect person, then he will be willing to wait.

Answer 5

You've already botched 2 marriages and now you're planning a wedding with a man you've only known for 6 weeks. You and he are obviously not in your 20s since your kids are almost grown, but I have to question what's wrong with him that he's reached this age and not ever been married?

I also have to wonder why you did not learn anything from your two previous marriages?

Answer 6

Now that he sees your an your family and there is nothing hidden about you, you can go ahead with your plan. However, get to know the guy at least for six months. Having him move in is a good Idea but this should be after a little while. Its too soon for that. You cannot make the past form your future, it should be just a bridge to it. I wish you the best!!!

Answer 7

Considering you'e been thorugh been through two marriages, I would say want and take your time. Just so you doint jump into the same situations as previous. It seems like you're really pressed on marriage. You should know that if you jump to wuick to something, you could scare off the guy. SO I would take it one day at a time, If it is meant to be, beleive me it will be.

Answer 8

You've really answered your own question. 2 divorces? And you want to know if it's too soon to commit? Chances are you committed too soon the other 2 times and thats why they ended in divorce. You probably didn't know them as well as you had thought.

I also recommend not included a man in your childrens life during the dating game. Not until the committment should he be in contact with the kids.... Your kids have lost 2 dads why get them attached needlessly until you know you got the real thing?

Think with your kids in mind, not your lonliness.

Answer 9

Can you stayed married this time? When you marry someone your supposed to commit for life and not when the new flavor of the week drops by. The question shoudnt be is it to soon to commit, the question should be am I willing to marry this man and be everything he wants you to be. "faithfull, in for long hall etc" lust does crazy things sometimes.

OK sorry didnt notice you have been good like that. Sorry just sick of woman in general Im a little bias.. How do guys find woman like you? lol

Answer 10

Like you I have had my fair share of losers... Never married BUT went from relationship to relationship. Then I met my soulmate. We met in August and bought a house together in Oct. that was last year and we are more in love now than ever before. I say go for it. If he makes you happy that is ALL that matters :)