Should we wait to get married? How much do finances play in that decision?

Question

We are both divorced and have children from our prior marriages. We are having a baby together in a few months. We just moved in together so we could all be together before the baby was born. I would like for us to be married, so that we could be a "real" family for the baby, but he thinks that we are already a family and we should wait until we have our finances in order before we get married. I have a lot of debt from law school and some credit issues from being a full time student and single mom. We want to buy a bigger house and some other things, and he thinks that we should wait to be married until we do these things and are in a better financial position. This won't happen until I finish school and get a job--a year or more. I don't think that finances should rule our decision to get married. I think this is a decision based on our love and committment to each other. I think that if he loved me enough that the other things would't matter. He thinks I am being to naive

Answer 1

I know in this day and age that fewer people care about unwed moms, but those children from unmarried couples still get the name calling and such. For your child's sake, get married before he/she is born. Additionally, living together before marriage is a dangerous prospect. People that live together before marriage are twice as likely to get divorced compared with people who did not live together first. Regardless of what your man says, deep down he probably has a little less respect for you than he would have if you Additionally, the bible says that the love of money is the root of all evil. Now, apply that to your life. If he is putting finances before you, I don't think that bodes well for your future.

Answer 2

I can tell you for a 100% fact, that finances have a major effect on a marriage. Perhaps your b/f is remembering this from hi sfirst marriage and hoping to avoid the same "pitfalls" in this one.

To be honest, if you share a bed, and the bills (not to mention have a child together) you really are married already. The cerimony is just that, a celebration of what already is. If that is what you want, throw a big party, make it at a nice banquet hall and have the dress be formal and there you go, your cerimony. Add a toast from a good friend and the two of you telling everyone how much you love each other and that you want to be together forever, and you have a wedding.

The only down-side is you can not be on his insurance, which if you are a single mom (or were) should not hold relivance as you already have that covered. Taxes are also not an issue (or that big a benefit for that matter) as you are both paying your own already.

Just my thoughts on the matter, this is a decision you need to make together. If something as small as a party to celebrate your life together is going to cause stress, what is going to happen when something truely big and important happens?

Answer 3

No matter what anyone on here tells you, this is ultimately a decision you and him need to make. My husband, boyfriend at the time, and I had a baby together, we waited, moved in together, and I really had no plan on getting married right away. We lived together and ran our house just like a married couple. When I got pregnant with our second child, I was still in school, and uninsured. We did what was best for our family at the time and got married so that I could be covered under his insurance. That little piece of paper changed nothing. We still act the same, still have the same bills, and we love our kids just as we loved them before, unconditionally. That marriage certificate really didn't change much in the way of our house, or our finances. Like you, I am just out of school and barely hanging on financially. There are things we want, like a house and a new car, and we know we need to wait, and are ok with that.

Answer 4

Certainly it should be taken seriously. It's one thing if he is unemployed through no fault of his own (company layoffs, etc.) especially if he is making a major effort to look for new work. But a man who just won't hold on to a job because he always thinks something better will come along, or because he thinks there are jobs that are "beneath" him, that's an issue. Personally, I don't have any problem making more money than my man, and I wouldn't mind supporting him if it meant he was taking care of the kids, keeping up the house, fixing the meals, etc. But if I'm working and he's sitting at home vegging on the couch or playing on the computer or whatever and I have to do all the household stuff on top of being the sole breadwinner, I'd have a problem with that. Money isn't everything, but it is a serious factor that has to weigh in on any decision to get married.

Answer 5

I with you 100%. Even if you use the finances as an excuse, he still should be willing to marry you now. Things are slightly easier when you are married, like health insurance. But what he is looking at is that you have debt, you have bills. He don't want to be responsible for your debt or be denied a housing loan because of your credit. Plus, you then can get a lot of help from the government and loan associations for being a single mother. He isn't looking out for what is best for you or your family. He is looking out for him. And when he says your naive, it because he knows he can run you.

Answer 6

Actually, Finances along with Adultry are the 2 Biggest problems in Marriages and yes Money problems do cause alot of Arguments and Divorces. He is correct in wanting to wait awhile to get married, that does not mean He Loves you any less, its just that he is thinking ahead.

Answer 7

And just how long will it take for your finances to be properly in order??? A year? Two years? Fifteen years?

Perhaps you are being naive, but then again perhaps he misunderstands that money is not as important as family.

I highly doubt he will change his mind on this one, so if I were you, I would insist on a contract that protects you and your little one to be, just in case he decides that the two of you become to expensive for him in the future.

Answer 8

You ARE being naive, and the only thing you care about is being married.

Answer 9

Why on Earth did you let this man get you pregnant with no ring on your finger???? Why???

He has no reason to marry you now! You live together and your having his baby...HE HAS IT ALL!!!!

Answer 10

believe IT OR NOT FINANCES IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF A MARRIAGE . 90% OF MARRIAGE FAILURES ARE DUE TO LACK OF FINANCES. WHETHER IT IS NOT MAKING ENOUGH TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY FROM THE MALE STAND POINT OR NOT HAVING ENOUGH TO DO LEISURE THINGS FROM FEMALE PTS.....CAUSE ONE TO SEEK $$$$$ ELSE WHERE, WHETHER ITS FROM ANOTHER ON THE OUTSIDE SOURCE....(MALE OR FEMALE) LEADS TO INFIDELITY CAUSING THE MARRIAGE TO BE BLEMISHED. i STRONGLY SUGGEST , MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR $$$$ IN TACK B/C FROM EXPERIENCE AND FROM WORKING AS A MARRIAGES COUNSELOR..... THE LACK OF $$$ CAN AND WILL BE A HARDSHIP ON A YOUNG MARRIAGE.