Can you help who you are attracted to or is it entirely chemical?

Question

I know that you can help whether or not you ACT on attraction, but do you determine who you are attracted to? Is it entirely chemical? I am HAPPILY married, but attracted to one of my husband's friends. I would never cheat on my husband, I love him very much, but the attraction is still there nonetheless. It is almost palpable when we are around each other. His friend and I have never talked about it, but I think we both know its there and would NEVER even think about having an affair. I'm just asking if its my fault that I am attracted to him or is it entirely out of my hands? Also I would like advice on fighting that attraction, because he will always be around because of his friendship with my husband, but I never want to flirt with him or act inappropriately around him due to my attraction to him. I love my husband. This is not a matter of whether or not to have an affair, that is out of the question. Is attraction an intentional choice or a chemical reaction?

Answer 1

No, you can't control who you're attracted to. It's human nature. What qualities does this man have that your husband does not? Is it just physical? Do what I did...and yes, I've been there...mentally list your husband's great qualities. Tell yourself and believe that you have the better man, and that YOU are the lucky one. If that doesn't work, (and I know you won't cheat on your husband) picture yourself with this man (don't hold back on your fantasies), and picture how your life will be different. Be prepared to wear that scarlett letter in your mental picture. That always worked for me.

Answer 2

The human brain will categorize anything as routine and ordinary after a short period of time.

Those butterflies and tingly sensations people love in the beginning are created in the brain and make everything a little bit more thrilling. Its part of the evolutionary gift sent to make us procreate. If we weren't fooled by our brains into thinking this is the best person in the world- some of us would never get together!

After a while your brain has to go back to normal. The constant release of serotonin and dopamine can only go on for so long. Its like doing too much of a drug - eventually your brain just can keep up the high production and has to go back to base-line.

So after a while your brain takes it away and goes back to normal outputs.

That's why no matter how much you love that expensive shiny item you bought at the store, in 6 months you can be bored with it.

The high you have when something first happens, isn't the high you'll have 3 years from now.

So yes, it is all in your head.

Answer 3

We are able to love many different people. So it is most likely that at some point in your life you will see others that you are attracted to. but the difference between us and the animals we have a brain and don't act on every impulse.
Don't feel to guilty he has probably seen women he is attracted to. don't give him a reason to cheat?
One lady I know fell in love with another man while she was married and almost left him. But I begged her to wait she had a nice home a good husband and a family.
So she stayed and worked on building a more loving relationship with her husband. many years later she said, I saw him he was fat, bauled and a real loser I can't believe I ever saw anything in him I was attracted to. So it passes and later you might say, what a mistake I almost made.
Women are romantic dreamers of this guy who sweeps you off your feet and the sex is great. That is why soap operas are so popular and love novels most women read.
We have a cinderella cyndrone. Most men just want sex and them read the paper. Or watch a golf game.
Having son's I have seen it all to well. When this women was trying to get his attention with a new outfit, it was super bowl sunday and all the guys were here watching football.
He looked at her like she was invading his life. He said, "later this is the super bowl."
She got mad and cried and he went to comfort her and missed the game and said, she is just to impossible such a baby and never wanted to go out with her again.
She didn't know why he was mad it was only a TV show.
We think differently.

Answer 4

It is intentional to want to do something with it. I see that isn't your intention. It is not premediated, so no you can't control it. It usually will surprise you because you weren't giving it a
thought. No, that is surely chemical. That is what gets people together in the first place. Without it, nobody would be here.
How to fight it? Good question.. it is difficult when proximity is an issue. I guess you could talk to your husband and maybe cut off the relationship all together with this friend.

Answer 5

My experience has been that you can't help who you are attracted to, the chemical thing you talk about. You can however, control how you act on those feelings. You are not a bad person for having an attraction to someone, not your husband. I feel it would be wrong to act on them. Admitting that you have them is the first step to controlling your actions so you are doing well. Good luck from one Mississippi girl to another. :)

Answer 6

One of you is sending out signals which triggers the unspoken feelings. It's really difficult. Make yourself scarce when he's around and basically tell yourself that he has smelly feet - that they smell so bad you couldn't possibly be in a romantic situation with him. It really will work. And by the way, get yourself a puppy or kitten so that you can train your brain to focus on loving another that is harmless. Definitely don't be letting your head rule your heart anymore. It's pointless and will only end in tears.

Answer 7

I believe it is a reaction to the kind of person we are attracted to. He may give you that smile you adore, have the perfect exciting job, drive an awesome car. Things that because they are out of reach, you are intrigued by. Loving is totally different. You have to feel 100% ccomfortable with. Ask yourself if you could be as comfortable with this man as you are your husband. It is usually the challenge of attraction that intrigues us.

Answer 8

You are married, not blind or dead. It is inevitable that you will feel attractions toward other guys. Heck, you, and everybody has fantasies too. But, attractions and fantasies aren't a big deal, as long as we keep them fantasies. You have nothing to worry about, because you ARE aware, and not stupid. You're not going go on a school trip with this guy as chaperons or something. You're not going to start having drinks or lunches with this guy. All that'll happen is that your husband will reap the benefits of having his wife sexually stimulated.

Answer 9

Your heart and gut will never lie to you*... The brain will deceive you*... Sometimes it will tell you its right when it is wrong. and sometimes it will tell you its wrong when it is right*...Emotions are fleeting and unpredictable*... What we feel today we may or may not feel tomorrow*...Attraction is inevitable from time to time between two people, however it is better if it occurs between to single unattached people especially if one or both act on the attraction*...

Answer 10

I THINK YOU JUST LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE. YOU CAN'T TELL YOURSELF NOT TO BE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE. THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK TO DO IS NOT BE AROUND HIM AS MUCH. HAVE ONE OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS GET WITH YOUR HUSBANDS FRIEND AND LIVE THRU YOUR FRIEND.