We have two great kids and have been married a long time. But she is very emotionally distant and acts like she wants nothing to do with me. I keep begging her to go to counseling but she won't. We have no sex life and the longer I am married to her, the more angry and resentful I get. I am sorry I ever met her and so much want to get away. But for many reasons I cannot get a divorce. Plz help if you can. I am at wit's end!
2007-07-04 18:51:43 · 39 answers · asked by unhappily married 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, I am petrified of divorce because the courts are biased against fathers and I will basically lose my children. I am the primary caregiver and spend much more time with them. Basically I have raised them both. She has had a much lesser role. But because I am the father and not the mother, I will be screwed. If that were to happen it would kill me. I feel I have no real choices here. Staying married, I am miserable. Divorce would devastate both myself and the kids. (She'd probably be the only one to benefit.)
2007-07-05 01:37:25 · update #1
I think you should go to counseling without her, maybe if she sees that you are as commited to counseling as you are the to the marriage that she will start going with you. I think it is commendable that you want to work on your marriage and not take the easy way out and get a divorce. Just hang in there, give her space and some time and hopefully with counseling she will remember why she married you in the first place.
Remind her that marriage counseling doesn't HAVE to be done with your spouse in the same room, maybe she has stuff she would like to talk about with a counselor but she doesn't want to do it with you in the room, and that's okay. Give her some options.
2007-07-04 19:01:36 · answer #1 · answered by ♥itsme♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its hard to give you specifics, but here are some things that may help:
1. Agree with her. The man that argues and criticizes is not the man she wants to be with. Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up. There's not much to fight about when someone tells you that you are right and that they understand. Do not defend yourself, do not deny, apologize, attack, or be sarcastic. Listen, agree, empathize and shut up. Move on. Keep doing it.
2. Act perfectly happy just how things are. No pressure. Remember you agree and you are happy. Scrap the big, long talks. Discuss light, cheerful things and do the things that make you and the kids happy. Act and don't react. She'll come around. Consider looking up conflict resolution and effective communication and other relationship rescue resources. They can open your eyes and be a huge help.
3.You can save this marriage all by yourself. Really. In the meantime, be kind, be helpful, be patient, and back off cheerfully.
Don't cheat. Don't leave. Hang in there.
Don't spend another day miserable. Break out of the pattern. Live your life. Be a good, happy man. She must've fell in love with you for a reason. Focus on you and skip worrying about what she does and doesn't do.
I don't know if this helps and hope that it does. You are breaking my heart.I don't know specifically what is going on with you guys so it is hard to help, but be confident in knowing there is help out there that works. What you are doing now isn't working so stop it. Act instead of reacting. Control your actions and behavior and accept hers. Get on with your happy life. You could look into positive communication and relationship building. There are a lot of scams but there is also good info on how to communicate effectively and how to get along in your marriage out there. I wish you the best.
Stop the blame game. Take control over all the things you can and act instead of react. If you push, argue, criticize, act jugemental or tell her you love her and can't live without her, you will push her right out the door. Don't try to change her. Just live, laugh and have some fun. You can't fix her. But YOU can be happy.
2007-07-04 19:35:48 · answer #2 · answered by whereRyou? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Despite her terrible behavior, you are right; the courts will not grant you full custody unless you have proof that she is nothing but promiscuous, and even then...things like mental instability or alcholism or drug use are the only behaviors that will give you full custody. That being said, if you are a good Dad and she's not a total and complete asshole, you will be honered joint custody and will probably be able to care for your kids as many days and weeks as you want. She may be amenable to this if she can't handle it. You will still be required to pay her money for child support, but it will be minimal depending on your legitimate salary given to the IRS. That's the law. Divorce is never happy for kids, but it's better than living in a terrible household filled with unhappy parents that are apart than having a great home at Daddy's house. They will choose as they get up in age. All you can do is stay massively involved in their lives for as many days of the week as she will allow. Staying married could be nightmare worse then what you imagine for them. s
2016-05-18 21:05:46 · answer #3 · answered by lona 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, i now exactly what you are going through. my husband is the same as your wife. Will not even consider counseling. I am starting to think his only goal in life is to make me miserable. I have even told him I want a divorce and he says he will fight it, why ... probably because he wants me to never be happy. Been married 20 years. I don't know why you say you cannot get a divorce, everything will be split 50/50 and you can start your life over again before you are to old to enjoy it. Are you possibly afraid of being on your own....
2007-07-04 23:35:29 · answer #4 · answered by pat1268 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Has your wife seen a medical doctor recently. Perhaps there is a medical/psychological reason that she has become distant with no interest in sex. I would find out the results from a medical exam before making any long term decisions. If your wife is physically and mentally healthy and still refuses to go to counselling you only have 2 choices. Either stay with her and hope to make changes and perhaps be miserable or leave her. Best of luck.
2007-07-04 19:04:44 · answer #5 · answered by Queenie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your wife has you in a corner, and knows it.
As long as she KNOWS you will not divorce, she has the control.
The problem is IS SHE HAVING AFFAIRS? if a Wife is this angry I would look into this.
Another thing to consider, is this the type of message you wish your children to learn is acceptable? especially your son?
Remember Your children learn by watching what you do. if they see Mommy always yelling at daddy, they equate this to accpetable behavior.
Suggest starting Divorce and request Counciling as part of the process, They usually include it when children are involved, and see what comes of it. you can also try reading a few marrital books for better understanding of your partner, can't promise any thing, It's usually easier to change a husband then then it is to change a wife.
Another suggestion Do you make the income? if so take complete control of the money, start paying the bills, and such, but do not allow her access to any of your income. let her earn her own money, especially if she is wasting it on frivolious expences, This is difficult, because we always trust the wife to handle the household budget, but what is it getting spent on????
Just a thought.
God Blessing be with your family,
2007-07-04 19:01:34 · answer #6 · answered by Sully 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to ask yourself if your many reasons not to get a divorce is important enough to spend the rest of your life miserable and wanting more. That is what is going to happen. Everyone around you will probably notice it including your children. If she is not willing to work with you the only other option is against you. If she does not want to make it work then you have to accept it. If you do not want to there is no other option. You can not make someone do something that they will not do willfully on their own.
2007-07-04 19:01:30 · answer #7 · answered by Sage 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off don't pay attention to my avtar's name. I usually hang around the Nascar section.
A little advice. First is you can be as strong as you want and try and hang in there and make it work. Who knows it might pay off. She might change her mind. I would hope that if you do care for her then things would work out.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't change another person. You can only make youself better.
The Bible teaches us that divorce is wrong. But it also teaches us not to be unequally yoked. Living in hate is being unequally yoked. God doesn't want a believer to be yoked with an unbeliever. If you can hang in there fine. If you can't then it is ok to go through with the divorce.
The thing about divorce is it's more than just the husband and wife. It's the kids too. When you get a divorce you are hurting the kids too. Their life has been built on mom and pop being there for guidance. It will no longer be there. Also it will be tough for one person to raise 2 kids. Not impossible but still tough. You need to make it a clean divorce with as less arguing as possible. Keep in touch with your kids often. They need to know that you didn't run off on them too because depending on their ages that will be the way they could conceive it.
If you go through with it have a plan to make it as easy as possible on everyone.
Good luck .. God Bless
2007-07-04 19:21:34 · answer #8 · answered by idiot 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to get counseling, even if she doesn't go with you. Talk with a pastor (free counseling) at a local church and get some help for you. You can't make her go, but you can go and work on yourself. There is something deep within her, and she is hurting. The silent treatment to you is just how she is dealing with her hurt and confusion. Please do your best not to let anger and resentment take over your life. Keep doing what is right by marriage and your kids.
Also, make sure your kids get counseling too. This is not the image of marriage they need. Any marriage can be restored, but it takes work and time. I'll be praying for you.
2007-07-04 18:58:08 · answer #9 · answered by notarycat 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Look I'm not happy in my marriage either. Depending on the issues you may be able to solve things. First understand that you are part of the problem, in other words there is a reason for her to feel how she does about you and why she won't have sex...trust me. You need to go to counceling TOGETHER, not just tell her she needs help, because it doesn't work that way, one person can't go get help and make your marriage better, it takes two.
My husband blames me for everything in our marriage going wrong, I have got counceling on my own and it didn't work because he never admitted he was part of the problem. I am seriously debating divorce because I have done everything in my power to save my marriage and he has done nothing and admits no wrongs.
2007-07-04 23:58:35 · answer #10 · answered by swtlilblonde31 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋