My cousin is a lesbian and now after a long time dealing with pain she decided to become a man last year. She has been taking testosterone,she had her breasts removed,she changed her name and now she has a deep voice and facial hair. We are having a family gathering tomorrow and he/she (I don't even know what I should call her) will be there. I have been a frightened of her and angry with her ever since she decided to become a man so I have only talken to her on the phone but I have not seen her. We were close because our famalies always got together when we were growing up and we continued seeing eachother after that but now that she is a man I am angry and upset that I am going to lose that person I have known for so long and he/she will be a completely different person. I don't even know what she looks like because last lime I saw her she was a girl. I want to accept her because I love her but I don't know if I can right now...how can I act supportive tomorrow even though I am not?
2007-07-04 16:43:53 · 17 answers · asked by Lindsey G 5 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
Good questions...
You are feeling fear of the unknown.. and that is understandable. You do not understand what it is like to be transgendered..
A few suggestions...
1. Refer to your cousin as He.. he has gone through some really tough things to get to were he is at.
2. Your cousin has not changed that much.. Yes the physical look will be different, but the person inside will be pretty much the same. They will still have all those memories with you.
3. Being angry and upset is also very normal.. it is a grieving process. Have to accept the loss of one before you can accept the gain of the other.
4. How should you act? well, normal... they are still your cousin.. they are probably scared of the up coming meeting also.. they do not know who you and the others will treat them.
5. Get to know him all again.. You will see that the same person is there.. but they are alto more happier.
I hope you are able to find a level of comfort to chat with your cousin.. You asking here shows that you do care and want to be supportive.
Good luck.
2007-07-04 16:52:55 · answer #1 · answered by Ms Mari` 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Being supportive won't happen over night. But you do have to give it some effort. And the correct word to use would be "He". Because your cousin has become a man and therefore wants to be treated as one. He is still the same person, only a happier one because he can live the life he feels is right for him. Don't be angry. You would have to put yourself in your cousins shoes, and try to imagine the pain and confusion that he must have gone through to figure himself out. The last thing your cousin needs is another person angry with him. You guys can still be close and have fun because your cousin is still your cousin, and will always be your cousin. And if your still not convinced, try talking to your cousin, Tell your cousin that your confused and upset, and maybe he can help you to understand what he was going through.
Think of it this way, your cousin just wants his body to match the way he feels on the inside. He is still the same person, but now he feels complete.
2007-07-04 23:57:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can do this by using proper pronouns... since your cousin identifies as male, you should use male pronouns, like his, he, and him. If you use female pronouns as you did in your question, he will most likely be offended.
Go up to your cousin and give him a hug or a handshake, whatever you're comfortable with, and say something like "Hey, how are you doing...?" and leave a blank space for him to say his male name. If you call him Judith, he will probably be upset.
Express your concerns with him, perhaps not at the family event because that's not always the best place for chats of this depth, and let him know that you do not want to lose him. He probably will not be any different than he ever was, except that he uses different pronouns, goes by a different name, and looks different. Transsexualism is not a choice, actually... you can choose whether or not you transition but the inherent gender identity is there from birth, though it may take a while to discover. If he used to like playing baseball with you, he probably still does. If he used to like cars, he probably still does.
You sound like you're well on your way to being supportive, and will probably get to that point once you meet her and keep on having good times together.
2007-07-05 00:00:35 · answer #3 · answered by Rat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, honey, yoour cousin is still the same person, just a different gender. Look into his eyes and you'll see the person you love. Tell him it's awkward for you and ask what you should call him.
Get on line to a transgender support group for significant others and friends and work out some of your issues before you see him.
I'll bet he's going to be uncomfortable in that setting as well and he's going to need some support, so try and step out of your discomfort to give him some support.
I remember the first time I saw my brother after I started to transition and I figured he's be hyper critical of me as he always had been, but to my surprise he was enthusiastic about having another brother finally and he saw the inside person he knew and could relate to that as well.
Be kind to yourself, and understand your cousin's postition as well. You may find you have an even better friend now he is comfortable in his own body...he's likely to be a whole lot happier too other than what he's going to have to deal with in this particular occasion.
2007-07-04 23:57:38 · answer #4 · answered by gone fishing 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
VERY IMPORTANT! call him a guy. make sure to use his new name, and use male pronous. This is very important to most transsexuals.
Do not worry-he is the same person, just a different body... like if your friend gets a haircut...she looks different, but is the same.
if you call him a him, and by his male name, it will tell him you are open to this change, and still want to be close. I would avoid asking him too many questions until he brings it up- he may not want to explain right away. the best thing is to really pretend that nothign has changed, since chances are, he has wanted to be a man for a LONG time.
even if your entire family refuses to use his new name, and pries into his buisness, he will know that YOU accept him. and that will mean a LOT.
2007-07-05 00:59:47 · answer #5 · answered by risks_(with a pessimist) 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He. Your cousin is a he now. And he's still the same cousin you always knew and loved! Even back then he struggled with how he was feeling, he just finally did it. It'll be awkward, of course, but this person is still your cousin. Treat him the same as you always have. You might talk to him and kindly tell him how you're confused and upset and you're sorry if you're not very helpful at the moment, but assure him that you /do/ support him, even if you don't understand at the moment.
2007-07-04 23:49:15 · answer #6 · answered by Diavola 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Hey relax already! Your cousin is still the same person inside with the same spirit - no surgery can change that. It probably took a lot of courage to step out in that way and he needs your support now more than ever. He is maybe thinking you are going to reject him - you are not losing this person - she/he is just being true to himself. More courage than I'll ever had! Enjoy your reunion!
2007-07-04 23:49:49 · answer #7 · answered by curiouscanadian 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Treat him normally and be truthful. Lying will get you nowhere..and as the old saying goes "If you can't say something nice---don't say anything at all."
You think that somehow you have been hurt by all of this...you have no idea of the pain and readjustment that this person has gone through. Think of him for a while.
2007-07-05 00:13:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How was your relationship with your cousin before this "transformation"? Hopefully you can try to bring those feelings in the forefront and go from there. Of course the girl talks will be different now.
2007-07-05 00:05:26 · answer #9 · answered by guy1957 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yikes. Maybe you can find it in your heart to know that it is the same person you love only the look is different. Talk to him. Let him know how you are feeling about the situation..did it occur to you that perhaps he is just as frightened?
Good luck
2007-07-04 23:48:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋