I was supposed to get married on Sept 15th of this year. I just found out that my fiance (now ex-fiance) kissed her boss at work (100% confident it was a kiss, and a passionate one). When I confronted her about it, she lied to my face for days before I was able to dig up enough proof that she couldn't deny. She was deleting calls made to/from him every Thurs (poker night). She was married before and cheated on her first husband with this boss (for over a year; not an isolated incident). The boss is 15 years older, married, and has 2 kids of his own. To make matters worse, her and I bought a house together 9 months ago (in both our names) and neither can afford it on our own. If we refinance it in one of our names, we lose the employee discount we originally got on the loan rate as well (plus we would also now need to purchase mortgage insurance). We would have to sell the house for 10K more today than we bought it for to break even (and the market isn't there). What are your thoughts?
2007-07-04 11:24:32 · 26 answers · asked by jamsch1978 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Added info here:
I have an amazing BS-detector and can tell she is truly sorry for what she's done and I don't think she'd do it again. I love her very much but I have already broken everything off and am sleeping in another bedroom.
2007-07-04 11:25:52 · update #1
Good point on the amazing BS detector and then buying a house with her.
I thought it was over but I could tell immediately when it happened next time I saw her. That is what I meant. I have an uncanny ability to tell when someone is lying.
2007-07-04 11:29:48 · update #2
She was not drunk
2007-07-04 11:33:02 · update #3
This is what they call a RED FLAG.
You could ignore it, and it will most likely happen to you, too.
Or....you can make her accountable, which is the only way she will stop.
That means:
1. She gets therapy (WITH and without you)
2. You put off the wedding until you and the therapist are fully confident that you have found out what her issue is and she's solving it.
3. You report this scumball boss to the company (with your girlfriend's sworn testimony) and tell them that you aren't interested in suing, you just think they should do something about men in the workplace having affairs with their MARRIED underlings.
4. She gets another job and never sees him or hears from him again. If that means that her cell phone call history is public knowledge for you and she's accounted for every hour of the day, so be it.
MAYBE when those four things were ALL complete I'd think about marriage.
Otherwise, sell the house, take a loss if you have to, and GET THE HELL OUT. If you don't , it will only get worse.
2007-07-04 11:39:12 · answer #1 · answered by lady_phoenix39 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sell the house cut any losses or split any profits and move on. You state she was married before and cheated with the same man (boss). Do not "cheat" yourself and marry this woman only to find yourself playing "second fiddle" to a relationship that she has obviously been involved in for sometime. I would not like to see this happen to you even though I do not know you personally because it is not a fun place to be. Do yourself one of the best things you can do and let it go, house and all. You should seek to be with someone who wants you and you only. Often a woman will continue a relationship with a married man because they secretly believe that he will leave his current wife...because he will often allude to this when they are together. Statistically and from personal experience this does not happen (seen a girlfriend stay in a relationship for eight years with...yes...a married man.. never left his wife and she lost eight years waiting) and statistics are not in favor of the man leaving the wife. I know this is painful...but look at it for what it really is..she has a history of sorts with this man and until she closes the door on this relationship with him..which should include her switching jobs and staying away from him..including phone calls..no communication and some time has gone by then maybe you stand a change but just know that this could take a long time for her to do and you do not need to be in the picture while she is getting her world straightened out. Good luck.
2007-07-04 12:14:41 · answer #2 · answered by KristinaMaria 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you're already sleeping in another bedroom, you're essentially broken up. You're always going to be mistrustful of her, admit it.
As for the house, these things happen. Maybe one of you can't afford to live there on your own; why not rent it out? Or, put it up for sale and the one who stays, get a roommate until it sells. The house thing is a headache, but you can work it out.
You're not in a "relationship" with this woman. She's being dishonest with you. And what's the deal of her cheating with this boss during her first marriage? What makes you think that kiss was an isolated incident? She obviously can't let go of him; the only reason they're not together is that he's married. Call the marriage off.
2007-07-04 11:30:57 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
YOu have to be clear with your strategy, which has several fronts:
1. wedding or no wedding -- that's your call and you know very well how likely she will do it again
2. finance -- how to deal with money if you don't marry her
3. revenge?
For 2, you have to untangle the finance instead of further tangling it. You can be co-occupant of the house but no marriage and sell it when the market returns. Otherwise, find the right exit and take equal loss. But close all joint accounts in banks and credit cards, even living expenses. Take this very seriously.
For 3, you may generate some satisfactiong going to her boss and threaten exposing him to his company's HR. How bad you want him to suffer and if you want him to do to compensate (don't get caught blackmailing someone)? Of course, you are not the husband but the boss won't want the bad press.
2007-07-04 16:36:38 · answer #4 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She evidently can't resist her boss. This is bad news for you unless you want to share her with her boss. She may be genuinely sorry for her actions and/or you may truly be blinded by the love you have for her.
It seems to be a repetitive affair for her, and most likely won't stop with any permanence.
As for the house, cut your losses, sell it and move on. Otherwise one of you take and just pay what you got to. You will suffer the consequences of getting the cart before the horse. The other option would be use it as a rental house and split any rent that comes from that rental.
2007-07-04 11:32:16 · answer #5 · answered by earnhardt3_8forever 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have an amazing BS detector why did you buy a house with a woman you can't trust.
Sell the house and cut your losses. Next time don't get engaged to a woman who has a proven track record of breaking her promises - especially one who still works with the guy she cheated with before.
2007-07-04 11:28:01 · answer #6 · answered by wld_jkr 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off you need to be thankful you found out about her cheating ways before you married her. The best thing to do with the house in your situation would be to just sell it and both of you get out of it and get a fresh start with that. Sorry for all your aggravation and heartache. It will take time to heal and deal but eventually one day you will be ok and you will find a faithful, decent and wonderful person to spend the rest of your life with.
2007-07-04 11:37:03 · answer #7 · answered by Tgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your in trouble....big time....sorry. When you met her and she was still working for the same boss you should have immediately told her she had to quit. Now with that said, if she is willing to quit and wants to get some counseling, you MIGHT be able to save this, but she's a cheater. Obviously she has problems that will most likely continue with no moral obligation to anyone. I think you might want to cut your losses now, sell the house and move on.
2007-07-04 11:35:42 · answer #8 · answered by dawnb 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am with you in deciding to break off your relationship with her. She cheated on her first husband. Now, she cheated on you and in both instances, she was involved with the same man. I don't blame you for not trusting her anymore. Be very thankful that you discovered her infidelity before marrying her.
You should sell the house that you and your ex bought, even if the housing market is not very good, to eliminate any reason for her to contact you.
2007-07-04 11:34:35 · answer #9 · answered by Belen 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well if she cheated on her 1st husband with this guy and u caught her doing the same thing before u got married chances are she's not gonna give this guy up. u could think about renting the house out for a while until u can sell it for what u are wanting for it. but just be glad u found out about her before u said I do. but good luck best wishes to u.
2007-07-04 11:30:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋