“Angela__” He didn’t realize that the more she was pressured to spit it all out, the more she wanted to utter a scream from her intense guts. “AHHH” And finally a scream was pulled out from her weak vocal cords. The scream rocked the whole place and rocked Dr. Stern as well. His eyes were stoned on Angela While she was rushing to the office’s door; her moaning was getting more earsplitting and thunderous every second.
Angela had always felt pressured and loaded by everyone, but she had never felt her heart painfully wheezing for help that way. Stern ran after her across the street, but he couldn’t catch her. She dashed quickly to a convertible BMW which immediately took off.
“Sweetie, what happened?” The woman who was driving beside Angela asked in panic.
2007-07-04 07:57:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
If you are a beginner then you are doing great. However, there are two minor problems.
Problem 1. "AHHH", take that out and it’ll be a more sophisticated style of writing.
Problem 2. The woman who was driving beside her should be introduced first because she obviously cares about angela or just a nice person. What you can do is that you can introduce her in one line showing her overall nature and then rewrite, the last sentence by replacing the word woman with something a little more respectable.
otherwise, you are amazing as a beginner. Keep up the good work.
2007-07-04 08:03:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to work on word choice and flow. "Intense guts" doesn't go there. You're looking more for the intensity of her feeling that culminates in a scream. "Weak vocal cords" do not produce earsplitting shrieks, so that should be fixed. The scream itself can be described, rather than written as speech. When you say the moaning is "getting more earsplitting," this implies that someone is listening to it and the point of view now rests with the person whose ears are being split. Dr. Stern's eyes were "fixed" on Angela; "stoned" is a poor word choice, as it has other connotations. You'd do well to consult a thesaurus and make careful word choices for what you're trying to convey. The part about "her heart painfully wheezing" seems out of place. Perhaps you would do better to describe physical symptoms and then relate them to angela's state of mind, rather than directly attributing emotions to her heart in this way. The BMW convertible taking off implies great speed; you don't mention the top being down or up. If it is down, the woman driving beside Angela (who should be identified) couldn't be heard by Angela. These are a few critiques. My advice is to write like you speak. Would you say these things? Work on flow and imagery, as well as word choice.
2007-07-04 08:21:00 · answer #2 · answered by Black Dog 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They are not bad, but take out "utter a scream from her intense guts" and just say "the more she wanted to scream." In this case less is more. Take out "pulled out from her weak vocal cords" and say "was wrenched from her weakened body." You say "His eyes were "stoned" on Angela While she was...." Say, "His eyes fixed on Angela as she rushed to the door of the office. Next paragraph, "felt pressured and loaded..." change to "felt intensely pressured and burdened by everyone." Also "She dashed to a convertible..." The word "quickly" is evident by the word "dashed".
I like it, but cut out the unnecessary overdone words. Use a Thesaurus for descriptive words, but try not to be redundant using two adjectives that mean the same thing. Really the effect will be a better sound and, as I said, less is more.
2007-07-04 08:17:26 · answer #3 · answered by Barbara E 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Terrible, trite, & turgid.
e.g.
"a scream from her intense guts." - maybe 'strangled' guts
"finally a scream was pulled out " - try 'struggled' from
"rocked the whole place and rocked Dr. Stern " - one 'rocked' is enough.
"His eyes were stoned" - 'were like cold stones'
"moaning was getting more earsplitting" - moans are quiet.
"felt pressured and loaded" - try 'put upon' by everyone.
"heart painfully wheezing" - only lungs wheeze.
"to a convertible BMW" - say "to a BMW convertible "
"woman who was driving beside Angela" - just 'asked Angela'
2007-07-04 08:17:32 · answer #4 · answered by Robert S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hm I'm sorry but I didn't really like it. It reminds me a tiny tiny bit of the book excerpts they have in Cosmo magazine. So that could be a compliment or an insult I guess. Also some of the descriptive words don't work well in the sentences (like "intense guts" and "her heart painfully wheezing for help").
2007-07-04 08:08:49 · answer #5 · answered by apocalypso 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being brutally honest, no. The descriptions and sentence structure do not flow well. Possibly you are trying to hard to explain the story to the reader.
For example, we already know she she is having trouble to get a scream out, then you tell us 'AHHH', then you tell us she screamed (we know that), then you describe the scream in the sentence 'The scream rocked...'. We still know she screamed, so think of how you could simplify this.
2007-07-04 08:10:46 · answer #6 · answered by Telemon 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the first paragraph...intense guts? also a scream from her weak vocal cords so loud it the rocked the house. i think it should be 'office door' instead of office's door.
the first paragraph needs just a little work. read it out loud to yourself a couple of times and make sure it sounds right. the rest looks good. don't stop...its a pretty interesting story. you have talent.
2007-07-04 08:03:24 · answer #7 · answered by TTerrell 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
the first paragraph needs work. the word choice dosen't really seem right to me. ex. intense guts, stoned on Angela, moaning
other than that, the paragraphs are superb :)
2007-07-04 08:20:31 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a good start. It needs some work though, I'm not going to lie. If you're writing this for a book, it sounds interesting and possibly something I would read. Keep tweaking it.
Good Start!
2007-07-04 08:06:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
um well well written is all a matter if interpretation . . . as a reader i think its a bit too dramatic and doesnt really hold my interest as its too wordy just for one or two actions
2007-07-04 08:02:55 · answer #10 · answered by thinker_belle* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋