Introduce my daughter to her real dad?To ease divorce?

Question

Okay after 4 years of marriage seperated for 6 months my husband has anger managment issues . I am getting a divorce though i have not told my husband yet.I have a daughter who is 5 yrs old from a prior relationship who has only seen her biological dad a hand full of times when she was a newborn.Her father does send her presents and transfers money every few months into my account.Her dad is a russian business man who travels a lot and is a bit cold in apperance(he spent time in russian prison).I think my divorce and move may be easier on her if her real dad and her meet possibly start a relationship?

She does not have a great relationship with my current hubby but i dont want her to freak when she meets her real dad tattoos and all.

I asked her dad to keep his distance till she was older when she was first born

Answer 1

If her biological father shows no more interest in his daughter than you say I really doubt that your divorce is going to change anything. My daughter was raise by a stepfather from age four. I could not have ask for a better Dad for my daughter...she has tried to let her biological father know about the mile stones in her life, high school graduation, graduation from college, graduation from pharmacy school, marriage, opening her own pharmacy, birth of her daughter and the birth of her son. And guess what HE JUST DOESN'T CARE! It is his loss...she has been such a joy to her 'Dad' and me!

Answer 2

You're trying to do something--ANYTHING--to ease the pain of a divorce for your daughter and that's lovely but you're forcing the issue.

First, she was a year old when you married this guy, so he's the father she's always known. She is GOING to feel pain, no matter what. Better that you be sensitive to the fact that she's going to hurt and be open to talking, getting her counseling, or whatever else SHE needs through this process, not just what might make you feel better.

Second, if your husband has 'anger management' problems, I assume he's angry in front of your daughter, and the divorce, in the long run, may be better for her self esteem and help her to know that she shouldn't allow herself to be treated badly/abused, so don't assume it's ALL negative.

And lastly, don't force something that should have already happened. If this guy wanted to have a relationship, he would have put forth the effort. DO NOT try and force this....can you imagine how this will end up if he refuses? Then she will feel doubly hurt....

Take care of your daughter and yourself through this process and don't try to create something just to replace the old. We all have to learn to deal with loss, and thinking you can lessen her pain by replacing one "dad" with another is a REALLY bad idea.

Answer 3

I was wondering "Why, her real dad hasn't been in the picture before now?" My concern is If he sends money and presents he knows where you live and could have visited before now. Of course, A child should know her father but where has he been that he hasn't visited before now. I would hate to see the child shuffled from "this is your dad", to this is really your dad" Seems confusing to a small child. Now that mommy's getting a divorce, you can see your real dad?" She should of already had relationship with him. What if he comes in starts a relationship then disappears again for another 5 years. What if worse the biological father decides he wants her now after all the hard work of raising a baby is over? He could take her to Russia and you would never see her again. Seems to me the man you are married to now is more of a father figure to her then her bio-father. Are you going to let him continue to see her? Of course, if his "anger management" is needed because of violent acts towards her. Thats an easy question to answer but, if he was kind and loving towards her and the issue is just between the 2 of you, She kinda of deserves to beable to see him after all He was her father for the last 5 years. She don't even know her "Sperm donater". I would not introduce her to her "real Father" to help ease the pain of divorce. Divorce is hard but having different men running in and out of your life is much harder. Good luck

Answer 4

One transition at a time...
this moving thing is enough right now. Let her emotions deal with that for a year or two before you bring her father into her life. He may not be such a terrific father figure anyway if he has spent time in jail.
Your daughter seeing you without any man is best for awhile. I understand that you are talking about getting your daughter and her father into a relationship, not you and him. But still the message is that there must be a man, always. It is better if she learns that women can be independent and not need a man in their life. Bringing back her father right now would teach her the opposite, that a woman must always have some man in their life. You don't want to teach her that!

Answer 5

I think every child deserves the right to know their biological parents. But I think you're using this as an distraction from dealing with the problems of divorce. Whether or not she's has a good reltaionship with her stepfather really has nothing to do with her missing him. Most children have problems with their parents at that age because they are being disaplined a lot. She only knows her stepfather as her father and introducing her to her biological father right now may confuse her even more. She's a child, and children are very impressionable at that age. Deal with the divorce now and think later about introducing her to her stepfather. When she's ready to decide if she wants to meet him. Good luck.

Answer 6

Oh boy. As someone who has never met her father and has been lied to all of her life about who her father is--I highly recommend introducing her to her real dad to keep her mind off other stuff and to prevent the lifelong resentment which I myself harbour towards my mother to this day. I think she's too young though to understand real and step dad still or maybe I'm wrong?

When my own daughter was young, I was involved in a long term relationship that I left to be with my now husband and she was around the same age as your daughter. I believe she had the hardest time with simply missing him and not really understanding why we couldn't be there anymore. She continued to bring this up until she was 12.

For years it seemed, she fetl as though I should have asked her how she felt about leaving my ex before we just actually did it. I suppose she just didn't understand why--my ex was a super nice guy so she wouldn't have been exposed to anytning negative that she could see or somehow equate to as being bad--so it was really hard for her to understand that I just wasn't in love with him anymore.

She's 14 now, and I chose to simply tell her the truth as best as I can all the time. She didn't always understand it, maybe because I told her too much all the time but at least she respects me for it now because she knows she can ask me anything--and believe me, she does-- and I'll always tell her the truth.

Answer 7

Sounds to me like it would just be one more confusing change in her life. There is enough going on already and that may just be too much for a 5 year old. If and when you and the bio-dad decide mutually to have her start a relationship with him, it shouldn't be to "ease a divorce" it should be so she and her bio-dad can have a relationship. And if her hasn't been around all this time, what makes you think he will now?

Answer 8

take it from her point of view..(my parents are also not together, my father is a very angry man too)...this man does not sound like he is in any condition to start a healthy relationship with your daughter...he is always going to be traveling anyways right? so what is the point of having her meet him and starting something when he will never be around...truthfully i think she is better off without knowing...she will probably ask about him later on but by then she can make her own decision whether to see him or not...i understand that not having a dad around may sometimes be better then having someone around that can't be a dad.

Answer 9

You are asking plenty of your five 12 months historic to have her kind a courting along with her organic father correct now all on the grounds that. Would you consider it might be sensible to place her within the center of 2 failed relationships of yours correct on the second ?.Now is the time for treatment and being used to a average lifestyles.You have to provide your daughter time to regulate alternatively of "substituting" the male function units in her lifestyles. What's the push besides? You have lots of time to set up a bond along with her and her truly dad later. Your intentions are well however infrequently fair to aid any "transfer" appear extra fair. Give the little one a holiday. Former Russian prisoner with Russian jail gang tatoo's ? Second cause to not do it......Good Luck

Answer 10

I don't know about that, for five years old she is going through a lot right now...meeting her dad may only bring more confusion to her....you may want to talk to her about all thats going on and ask her what she thinks about this, but she is only five, you may want to give it some time to meet her real dad till things have calmed down and theres not so much going on.