How do I get over this?

Question

I'm 16 years old, and was expecting a baby girl in January. A few weeks ago, I passed out in the car and had to be taken to the hospital by my boyfriend. Once there, the doctors told me my body wasn't handling the pregnancy very well, and they thought I should get an abortion. But I wouldn't do it. So they put me on bedrest after doing a bunch of tests telling me it was a little girl. I was so excited, I didn't care if I had to sit home all day, I was so happy. But last week, I was lying on the couch at about 10 at night and my stomach starting killing me, so my mom rushed me to the hospital, were I had as miscarrage. I was devistated. My boyfriend told me it wasn't my fault over and over again, but I couldn't help but think that it was my fault, I was a bad mother to let my baby die. I know I'm young, but I really wanted that baby girl. What do I do? I'm so sad now and scared. Please help me.

Answer 1

Oh hon, I am so so sorry. I went through the same thing 2 years ago. It is devastating. I wasn't sure how I could make it through the day. People told me time would heal the pain, but they were wrong. I still miss that baby alot. However, the pain did lessen. My family and boyfriend were all great supports. They just let me cry it out. My boyfriend got me a little orange ball of kitteny fluff and that kitten turned out to be the greatest help. I named him Rumples and he "became" the baby I had lost. Of course he wasn't a perfect substitute, but it helped having a small being need me so much. And to this day, Rumples is one of the most spoiled cats around.
My best advice, is to get a baby animal and pour all your love into it. Let your family help you out as much as possible. And if you believe in heaven, know you will be able to see your baby sometime soon.
All my best wishes to you.

Answer 2

I was 17 and lost my first baby. It was a boy. I was so upset and just like you, devastated. I read somewhere in a book that the best way to get over a lost or failed pregnancy is to get pregnant again. Not the best advice for a 16 or 17 year old lol but it made sense. It really is the best way, but like others said... time heals all wounds. The first few months went by and I hit my due date with the baby I'd lost. I got so unbelievably sad even though I was 6 months pregnant with another baby by that time. I literally got pregnant right after I lost the first baby. I had my oldest daughter and I was so elated but then a month later I hit the date, the one year to the day that I lost my first pregnancy and it hit me all over again. Having my oldest daughter definitely helped, but the pain was still there at times and once in a while it still stings a little bit and that was 7 years ago. I have since given the first baby a name and I now have 3 little girls. You never really get over it but give yourself some time and find something to distract you for the time being. You'll see that it will ease a little more as the days go on. I don't recommend getting pregnant again until you're a little older, but if fate takes you down that path you'll see that it does help.

Answer 3

I suffered through 6 miscarriages. One of those pregnancies were twins. I cannot even tell you how much I understand your feelings of grief. It may help to know that it is actually very difficult to harm your own baby, so well protected inside your body. It could not possibly be your fault. The human body is an amazing biological machine and it sometimes suffers from gliches. There also may have been something afflicting your fetus.
You know, blaming yourself and feeling angry takes a huge emtional toll on you. I used to look at pregnant women and fall apart or hate them and wonder why all those terrible mothers in the world were so blessed with children and I wasn't. I mean, there are women who abuse drugs and alcohol throughout their pregnancies and they never miscarry.
And then, their are the mothers who never really wanted the baby and abuse or neglect them. How is this fair? Why would God not bless me with a child when I am in a wonderful marriage, I would be a great and loving mother, and I so desperately long for a child? Like you, I blamed myself.
Well, be careful what you ask for. I ended up giving birth to 3 children in 2 years. My son is now 6 and my twins, a boy and a girl, are now 4.
The pain will go away. It takes time. It may take until you have another child.
I understand your grief so well. But I wouldn't feel comfortable without also telling you this.
I am now 38. I started trying to have a baby when I was 26. A year after I married my husband. You sound like such a compassionate and loving girl. I am certain you want to give your next baby the best start in life you can. I know you want the best for your child. Wait until you are older. Get an education and the best scenario is to be married and/or in a long term loving relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend is really supportive, too. But, he is so young.
You will not be the same person in your mid twenties that you are now. People change so much in those years. Do you want to have a child from a teen mom? Do want to struggle with money everyday? Do you want to have to live with your mom? Do you want to to try to go to school and do homework until 3-4 am because you were up with the baby? You cannot go out with your friends. You cannot go to the store, the mall, a restaraunt, or swimming without your baby. That is just the beginning. Motherhood is truly the hardest job you will ever do. Their are days I wonder why I wanted this motherhood thing so much, then their are days I want to cry because I love them so much. It is stressfull. It is crazy. It is the best thing I ever did and my children are the most important thing ever to have touched my life. It is the one job I try my very best at every moment of everyday. I was old enough and had a stable marriage and a good, hardworking husband and loving father there to support our family.
Being a teen mom is not what is best for your baby. It may be so darned hard to understand that now, but, whether you have another baby as a teen or wait until you are older, you will realize this. I hope you do when you are older, have had the fun and experience a young person should have, and most importantly, GET AN EDUCATION so that you can offer your baby the best the world has to give.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't make a difference if you are "young" or people think you weren't ready. You are an adult now and have experienced a thing that only women, not girls, experience. People are going to be jerks about it, and you'll need to be ready for that. They will say, "it's better this way" and "that's good, now you won't have to worry about it" and "maybe you'll plan better next time." People said these things to me when I miscaried (twice), and I was 21 and married. I expect you'll hear the same BS from inconsiderate people.

It really is not your fault that you miscarried (unless you were doing cocaine or something equally self-destructive). One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage at no fault of the mother's. They are most often because of a genetic problem incompatible with life, which makes it better for the pregnancy to end early rather than late. I know thst doesn't make it feel better, but I found it helpful to know that these really are common and it wasn't my fault. I even went on to have a beautiful son just four months ago.

Having a miscarriage, even repeatedly, doesn't mean that you can't have children. My docs actually told me that they don't even worry about the possibility of problems with the mother until she has three (3!!!) miscarriages. That's how common it is.

You need to grieve now before you can get on with your life. You do not want to get depressed because of this. You have had a loss and should acknowledge it to yourself and others. You can talk with your mother and boyfriend, other women in your family who have had miscarriages (you'll be surprised when you discover how many people have had them). You can go to a counselor to talk about it and see what the best way of dealing with it will be as well.

You did not "let" your baby die. She was not ready to be born yet. Do you believe that the soul enters the body before birth? If you do, then maybe it will comfort you to think that SHE wasn't ready yet and needed to wait longer. Maybe she will come back to be with you later. If you're a Christian, maybe it will comfort you to think of where your baby would be now.

You were already building a relationship with this being that was growing inside of you. Did she have a name? I know you loved her already. It's so hard to live through pregnancy loss. You will always remember. It will always be a part of you. You are strong and able to get through this and be a strong woman.

Good luck.

Answer 5

It is not your fault. You did not "let" the baby die... you took care of yourself and your baby as best as you could, and did everything that your doctors told you to.

It seems like the truth is that no matter how much you may want a baby, your body is not ready. This doesn't meant that you can never have a baby - in a year or two, you can go to your OB and discuss whether you are physically ready to have a baby, and what to do to keep the pregnancy.

In the meantime, find a support group for people who have had miscarriages (your dr or hospital may be able to help you) and take the time to grieve over your baby. Grieving is a healing process. Take comfort in your relationship with your boyfriend, and listen to him when he says that it is not your fault, there is nothing else you could have done. Comfort him if he needs it - he lost a baby too.

Make sure that you consult with a doctor before you get pregnant again, so they can help you avoid being in this situation once more. Good luck.

Answer 6

Time heals all wounds. I am 25 and I jad a partial molar pregnancy right before Christmas last year. That is when the placenta grows to big and basically wont allow the baby to grow anymore, therefore killing the baby. (Aweful right?) Anyhow, I had to go to the hospital and be put out so they could remove everything. It was horrible(I was about 3 months along). It was very hard this last month because that is when I was supposed to have the baby(due date 6-15) but things are getting better now. Time is the key. Good luck to you and I am so sorry for you loss, no matter how old you are.

Answer 7

I just turned 19 in April.
Within the past 8 months I experienced 2 miscarriages. The first time I told people and heard so many answers from people meaning well that "God works in mysterious ways." or "It just wasn't meant to be."
I learned. I believe that nobody can truly console a mother that just lost her child. Nothing anyone said/says can ever make it feel "okay". You just have to live and keep going. I desperately wanted another baby after my first miscarriage (I was 11 weeks along), but as I wasn't married I felt conflict over trying again. I became pregnant again about 3 months later and I was so happy only to lose another child (I was 7 weeks along).

Somehow your heart will heal with time. There's no magic formula to feel better. You loved that baby and did all you could to provide a good home for it inside of you. That's all you can do.

After the 2nd miscarriage I gave up hope. I said, "God, I'm going to stop trying. Its up to you."
After my fiance and I got married I am happy to say that I am now 10 weeks pregnant and everything is going great.






1st baby would have been born june 10
2nd baby would have been born october 26
*(((RIP my angels)))*

~Sally~

Answer 8

It wasn't your fault, you were doing what the drs told you. When you loose a baby, especially this early on, there is generally nothing that can be done by anyone. You did all the right things. Being sad and scared are normal emotions to be going through. This was only a week ago, give yourself time to grieve the loss of your daughter. If you need to, find someone to talk to, a miscarriage support group, a counselor or someone. Most of all, take care of yourself right now and take this time to grow and heal so that when the time comes, you will be ready to embrace another pregnancy and baby.

Answer 9

I'm so sorry for your loss! Please know that what your boyfriend said is true. *It is NOT your fault and you were NOT a bad mom.* Pregnancy is still a perilous time for both mothers and babies, despite medical advances, and there are many reasons why miscarriages (both early and late) and stillbirths still happen. None of those reasons are your fault. You did everything you could to help your baby as any mom would, but sometimes nature has other plans. Big (((HUGS))) to you! I can only imagine how rough of a time this is for you.

Here is a support board for other moms that have loss their babies. Hopefully it'll help you:
http://boards.babycenter.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?webtag=bcus1202061
and another one:
http://boards.babycenter.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?webtag=bcus3376
Also, think about maybe going to a therapist to get help with this. It can help.

Remember, sweetie, this isn't your fault. You did everything you could. You were a good mom. Never forget that.

And a note to Eq2Kitty: The sex can be told as early as 16 weeks (4 months). A pregnancy lasts 40 weeks (10 months). So she was right on time.

Answer 10

It will never be an easy thing to 'get over' the loss of a child, of any age. The only thing you can do is find support through your family, friends, boyfriend and community.

It is sometimes hard on the body of a young woman to handle a pegnancy to term, but it doesn't mean you will never have another chance. You need to take some time out of your regular life and mourn the loss of your child. Take as much time as you need and don't let anybody rush you.

In my opinion you will never 'get over' this. You may move on or come to terms with it but I know I would always remember my first little girl that I never got to meet. This is a learning expereience.

I hope you eventually find comfort, good luck.