How can I get past my fiance's criticism?

Question

She didn't used to be like this. But eight years later, I can do nothing right. Little, puny mistakes get blown way out of proportion. She uses every bad judgment call as fuel for the fire. She is convinced that I do not care about her, when in fact, she is my entire life. She gets verbally abusive to me. I don't take it well. I scream right back at her...it escalates until the bigger person squashes it. Usually me. I have low relationship esteem. I feel like her criticism is unwarranted. I have not changed anymore than she has. The flames die off with time. But am I really so unthoughtful, so uncaring? In a way, her criticism of me seems selfish. But at times she makes sense. I want to show her that I love her, but she has these fairy tale dreams of romanticism. I can do that. I guess the way I love her is no longer correct. Love should evolve to be effortless and not to require more effort. I think she is putting her own unhappiness with herself on the back burner and focusing on me.

Answer 1

Sounds to me like she wants a certain type of romance or attention. Ask her what it might be. I went through a phase like this with my fiancee, granted I did have cancer and had a miscarriage, so it was somewhat excuseable. Maybe something bad has happened that she hasn't told you? My fiancee helped me overcome everything by leaving me little notes next to the bed, on light switches, and all around the house saying i was his only one, his future wife, etc. It was so sweet, and even though he isn't good with emotions, this made me know he still loved me, even without the hair, or being able to give him a child someday. If she can't appreciate the little things, she won't appreciate the bigger picture of married life. Then its your decision to live with it forever, or move on. Just remember, you deserve some attention too. Relationships are both ways of compromise, not a opne way highway.

Here are the wisest words my mother ever gave me:
"You don't fall in love by choice, its by chance. You don't stay in love by chance, its by work. You don't fall out of love by chance, its by choice."

Good luck!

Answer 2

I think the first two posters are right:

1) She's wrong to be so critical, but then you join her in being wrong by screaming in response. It's tough, but restrain yourself. Being an adult doesn't mean giving into every whim, and screaming whenever you want to.

2) This is a big red flag to me that you ought to reconsider the marriage. If you're starting to fight a lot, and feel like the flame is gone, before you're even married... you'll probably end up with a miserable marriage, where one or both of you will want out in the end.

You both should be enthusiastic and happy to be with each other when you get married, but it sounds like she's not and expecting you to pick up the slack for her. If she were enthusiastic and happy with you, she would be trying to find ways to make you happy too. With the one-sided "make me happy" kind of attitude, she will only ensure that you will both live in an unhappy marriage!

To answer another question you had, you are not thoughtless. Your question was full of thought, and if that is how you normally are, then the criticism was most definitely unwarranted. Yes, love still requires effort and thought, but not sooo much effort that you feel like you're having to fight for it all the time.

She's trying to find an explanation for why she's unhappy, and can't find a good reason to blame you for it. It's likely that if you asked her what was really wrong and what it took to fix it, she probably wouldn't know... I'd be willing to bet that she's been going through the motions for too long, and she wants a reason to get out of the relationship. Just try to make her as straight-forward with you as possible, no matter what you decide to do, so that you can really know why it's going down.

If, after all of this, you still seriously want to get married, do yourself the favor of working out these problems first... Wait until she is happy and enthusiastic to be with you again! As long as she's still constantly criticizing, you don't have that.

Answer 3

There are two issues I can think of with your choice. 1.) For most people, the reception is the fun part. People put up with travel and the wedding for the reception. Some would get annoyed with not having a reception. It involves blocking a day off where they can't work or go anywhere, and in some cases traveling, just to watch a boring ceremony for 15 minutes. 2.) Some people use weddings as an opportunity to show off their best cloths. Women who feel the need to wear heals and men who wear their only "interview suit" and dress shoes could have trouble in a barnyard full of cow patties. I'd skip the show ring part. You could rent the Faire Ground, set up a tent, and have a more traditional wedding elsewhere on the Faire Grounds. A bucolic field with cows in the background could be pretty. If you

Answer 4

Whoa there, love does evolve, but it's not effortless. Think about it, our memories stay with us forever but aren't as strong over time. If there is no working for the relationship, it wont last. She feels you don't care about her. Something is imploding inside her. Do you tell her and show her that you love her, or is she expected to know this since you're engaged? Do you give her the romanticism that she wants or is it just the amount that is to be expected? Is she wanting out of the relationship, or is she in it for the long haul?

All I'm saying is that you both need to analyze what's really happening. My suggestion is to sit down and talk ,....no yelling or defensiveness allowed, no placing a blame. Talk! If you can't work this out, one, or both of you will end up sick of the marriage (if it even gets that far) and wanting out.

Answer 5

Eight years is a lot of time invested in the relationship. Your lines of communication are tangled, maybe even strangled. Why have you not taken the commitment? Is she frustrated with how the relationship has gone stale? If you love her like you say you do, you need to find out why she is expressing so much disappointment in the relationship. It won't be easy, but it just might be worth going to a good relationship councilor to help work out the issue. If you can't afford that, both of you go talk to any HAPPY old married couple. Lasting relationships do have highs and lows. It is the commitment BOTH put into a relationship that make it last.

Answer 6

There are 2 parts to resolving a problem.
1) Identifying the problem
2) solving the problem

You have already accomplished #1. Hit the print button on your tool bar and give it to her. Hopefully she will help you with #2. If she doesn't or things don't change for the positive you need to ask yourself if you will be content in this relationship for the rest of your life. If you have ANY doubts (which you do right now according to your post) it is time for a timeout and re-evaulate yourself and what you want out of life. If she can't provide it then you might have to extend that timeout permanently.

Answer 7

Love does not become effortless. It will always requir effort. You and her need to put effort into doing the things for and with the other. From doing stuff at the house to going out for her some romantic time and you some time of your enjoyment. Need to tell the othe what bothers you and what they can do to fix it. But also have to live with some of the others flaws.

Answer 8

Wow, you've analyzed the situation quite well. You are not responsible for her unhappiness. It sounds like you two need some couples therapy. There seems to be a lot more under the surface. If you get married in this state without counseling, it's going to be an unhappy marriage.

Answer 9

Bad news, friend. After eight years, I highly doubt this is ever going to change. Maybe you should have a talk with her about it, but not during one of these heated blowups and tell her how strongly you feel about it. I think your last sentence pretty much sums up the real problem; her own unhappiness, which might have nothing to do with you necessarily.

Answer 10

Personal exp. When I find myself belittling my partner its usually because I'm not happy with myself, with our relationship, with life itself sometimes.What he did was put it bluntly I'm not the cause of your unhappiness, how you feel and how you respond to me determines my response and reactions to you. He set some personal boundaries with me and we've been together 7 years, it takes two and it takes honesty even if it hurts. You both deserve respect, if she was this way when you met her then you made your bed from get go and because of giving her that type of control over you, you gave her the right to treat you how you allowed yourself to be treated... Only you can change your current situation. Talk to her, write her a letter, a honest one from your heart. If this sharing doesn't open up her eyes then I suggest that you both consider other options such as counseling.