Concerned about my self esteem after....?

Question

I had 2 babies pretty much back to back (Jan '06 and Feb'07) and I find since I've had the last one that my self esteem is shot. While I was pregnant with him I found out that my husband was "cheating" online and over the phone with his ex gf (who lives in another province) and would do so the minute I left the house to go to dr's appt's that he would never go to and close to the end of that pregnancy he had called one of my friends and approached her on having sex. Since all of that I am always paranoid about my looks, body image etc. I wont get naked in front of him or let him see all of me if we are having sex. I find I am very moody, paranoid and also CONSTANTLY checking his cell, emails, IM chats etc. He swears it'll never happen again (yeah right). Whenever I try to talk about my feelings he either changes the subject or walks away. Has anyone ever encountered this and how do you fix this type of situation? Please help, it's ripping me apart! :(

I also had 2 children from a previous relationship so there are 4 children in our home.

Answer 1

You need to tell your doctor what is going on, it sounds like you have some post birth depression. Your husband is a complete moron, but you already know that. If you can, get into maritial counseling, your husband needs to know what his actions did to you, and how ignoring it won't make it go away. I imagine he's ignoring you because he can't face being a liar and a cheat.

Get yourself into a gym. Do it when he is at home so you do not have to take the children. Don't you dare tell him he has to "babysit". Those are his children, and being a parent is not babysitting. Go to the gym and if you can't afford that, then find somewhere to walk and simply do that. Even if its around the block, it will make you feel so much better about yourself. And give you time to process your day with those very young children.

Tell your husband that you will never accept that sort of behavior again. Don't tell him from a whining begging defensive point of view, tell him from strength in the belief that you deserve better from him, and if he can't be a better person than that, then he needs to get his lying, cheating loser self out the door. Never be afraid to lose someone who treats you like a doormat.

Ok, you have alot of things to do, so be gentle with yourself if you can't do them all at once. Pay some attention to yourself, take a bath every night, go on that walk or go to the gym, or just lock yourself in the bathroom and read. Make sure you are eating well, and sleeping as much as you can. Sleep when the kids sleep. Don't worry about the fricken house, he can do that.

Good luck, get some help and get some nerve. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Answer 2

Yes been there darling... Hes a real a sshole for doing what he did. You have one of two choices truly forgive him and go back into your marriage without the automatic notion "he will do it again" and start fresh... which doesn't seem like that's what you are capable of doing at this point or leave the marriage. He doesn't seem willing to own up to the responsibility of how his actions are still affecting you by changing the subject or walking away. With pregnancy a lot of women become conscious of their body...Know this it has nothing to do with your body or you, he chose to do this because of his lack of judgment. YOU are just fine. When children are involved its a tough decision but moving on may be best for you and them.Bitterness and mistrust will eat you up alive effecting you and your children and eventually ripping you and your husband apart anyways. GL with everything hon
Chazz

Answer 3

First of all, He should be thanking you for having his children. Secondly you don't deserve to be treated like that from a man. You are better than that and don't make yourself feel neglected to his unjust doing. You say you are still with him correct? Well only you can do the right thing. But don't you dare stay with him for your children. And once a cheat always a cheat. Get out why you still have your pride. When i was with my ex-fiance he dumped me and said he wanted a break. I came to find out that he had been seeing this girl for about 2 months in our 2 year relationship. I did everything i cut myself ect.. But in the end i realized that he was the one missing out. You don't need a man to make you happy. And not one that cheats. If you need to talk [e-mail] instant message. -AJ-

Answer 4

Sorry you married a pig! If you forgave him and willing to accept him back then you need to end that chapter,and continue rebuilding your marriage,for your children sake.Self-esteem is not the issue here,it's he's infidelity,you can't trust him! and you have ever right to feel the way you do,take a stand and let him know last chance.that's final.NOW two kids is not the end of the world..make sure to look good,dress good smell,good at all times,always reward yourself with hair and nail salon time,get a make-over ever 6mos. so there NO reason for him to look else where..he's going be putting you on check.(just dont let him)..that should spruce on your esteem..

Answer 5

I found out that my ex was cheating while I was pregnant with our second child. I stayed with him for about 10 more years and seriously tried to work on our marriage but he would never participate with me in counseling or even being honest about his actions. I still suffer from self esteem problems, insecurities, jealousy, body image issues and it all goes back to his betrayals. There is no fix unless he will start being honest about his actions and recommit himself to your marriage. If he is not up to anything he shouldn't mind you looking at his phone or emails. People don't usually worry about their privacy or hiding things when they are innocent. He should understand that he has caused this situation and do everything he possibly can to make you feel better and win back your trust. I know it is ripping you apart honey. Set limits and stick with them. You deserve better and your children deserve to be raised with a good example set for them. I don't think all marriage problems require counseling but a betrayal like this probably does. If he will not go with you I still think you should go for your own sake. So sorry dear.

Answer 6

i hate to tell u this cause ive seen quite a few women in ur situation and i have to say ur husband sounds like a peice of crap no offense to u but if he cared about u he wouldnt do that to u
i cant tell u to leave him or stay thats something u have to decide
but as far as the self esteem goes most women go thru something similar to what u r feeling (as far as ur looks) after pregnancy especially back to back being beautiful is really something u have to believe u are if u dont believe u r the ur not but if u believe u r then u r and people will start to notice that too

no matter what happens i wish u good luck and my heart goes out to u i hate to see or hear about a good person (at least u seem like a good person) hurting so much like u seem to be

Answer 7

he's an asshole! Honey this is horrible. Just know that you dont deserve this. if he is unattracted and willing to cheat on you because you are a bit different cosmetically after having HIS children... leave that sucker!

I'm so sorry... so so sorry. I suggest that you both go to therapy. His evasion of the issue tells me that he is guilty and doesnt want to face he was wrong. He isnt concerned with healing your wounds... he is covering and possibly still cheating. Think about it, tell him your concerns and that you want counseling and if he refuses... know that it is pretty much going to be you miserable and self conscious OR you are going to leave him because he is being a jerk and not at all trying to help you with what you need to be healed.


ITS NOT YOUR FAULT HE CHEATED ON YOU!!! It is his own problem and lust and lack of self control. If you listen to nothing else anywhere on this page know that its NOT your fault. Its nothing that you have done that warrants him being a pig and cheating while you're pregnant!!!! He clearly doesnt want to be with you, doesnt want the children, as he wouldnt go to appointments Its not your fault.

Answer 8

All the checking up in the world on him will not keep him from "cheating" if he is going to cheat. You need to tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him you are having self esteem problems and you are embarroused to be naked with him. Be totally honest and clear the air so he can help you with your problems. He is your best friend and life partner... confided the most intimate details of yourself to him and let him in on your vulnerabilities.

Answer 9

Maybe the reason he is cheating is because you won't let him see you naked.He knows you may not look perfect, but you look good enough that he produced 2 kids with you.Get rid of the internent and that will solve a lot of the problems.The kid's future are at stake here.Tell him the internet goes or he does.If he wants to win back your trust, this is the ONLY way to do it.

Answer 10

I think with the naked, online, Dr appointment, IM chat, never happen again, walking away............well I can honestly say I have never encountered anything like this before.

I recommend counseling at the very least for you, maybe the whole family.