My wife was raped.?

Question

So I'm a US Marine. I was just in the field doing training for 18 days. And during that time my wife was raped by one of her friend's friends. Now she doesn't want to be affectionate or have sex, or even barely touch me. I have been nothing but a great husband to her. What do I do to help her? She doesn't want anyone to know, and probably won't seek counseling. What can I do to ease the pain she's feeling, and how do I ease her back into having an affectionate relationship with me? Hopefully I can do it before August 27th, because I head to another base to train for 4 months, then I deploy to Iraq for 14 months.

Answer 1

She needs couseling and you need to talk her into it. You should make sure she is not blamed for what happen and you don't blame her. Be supportive.

Talk to your commander and try to get your deployment delayed for medical emergency. If you explain what is happening with the wife they may give you some extra time. She needs you.

And kill the basterd

Answer 2

I have never been raped or know anyone who has so I cant speak on a experience level. All I can do is suggest you sit and talk with her. Explain to her there are those who use their bodies to express love and tenderness and those who use it for their own selfishness. When this other guy did was think only of himself. You however want to show your affection because you have feelings- you love her. What you two do with your bodies is not just to pleasure yourself but you have intentions of pleasuring each other. A rapist doesnt care if the victim has any pleasure- again, its a violent act of selfishness. Hopefully she will seek counseling. Counselors cant go around telling others her story. Its purely confidential. She has a better chance of others knowing something happened by her odd behavior. A counselor can ease the pain, fears and feelings that although may never go away, can at least be masked so she can continue living her life with you as a happy couple. Nothing can change the past and to put a deadline on when she should be over it because of deployment can make the pressure to return to feeling normal even that more difficult for her. I know you have needs too, you need to feel her affection even more because you are in a dangerous situation yourself, but try to work with her on this as best as you can.

Answer 3

hehe, Aug 27th is really pushing it. If I where you Id tell your supervisors what happened and that you simply cant go and no is an answer they will have to accept.

It can take months to years to recover from that kind of ****, and you really do need to at least talk to a professional on your own and tell them about her situation so thye can at least give you guidance on how to help her.


And sorry about the whole aversion to sex she now has, btu thats kinda normal, and she probably always will have a bit of a dislike for it. I mean, its like how phobias develop. they actually develop most of the time from a traumatic event as a child, and she probably will, to a degree, have a phobia of sex because every time she "does it", she will think of that night she was so wrongfully violated.
But seriously, after something like that, no way can you just leave for over a year at the end of august. Anyone with a heart or a brain will understand and let you off if you tell them why you need to stay behind.

And I did just think of one thing, hypnosis is pretty powerful, and its actually becoming accepted that a genuine hypnotist that knows what there doing can work miracles. I read in US news about this person that used one instead of being put under with anestesia for a painful surgery that, if awake, would have put her into shock. She opted for a hypnotist, and the doctor thought she was out of her mind and had the anesthesia ready at a moments notice just incase, but through the power of hypnosis, she got through the whole thing and didnt remember any pain, nor felt any during the operation.

Possibly one could help your wife forget?

Answer 4

I am so sorry for you and your wife. She is dealing with a lot as are you. The best thing you can do right now is not to push her. She does need to get some sort of therapy to help her deal with all the issue that surround a rape. She doesn't feel safe around anyone, not even you. I wish there was a sure answer, but time is the one thing that will help. And letting her know how much you love her and want to be there for her. Truly, she needs professional support.
Good Luck.

Answer 5

Hmmm...rape is just a terrible subject. First and foremost...Are you sure that she was raped? I have known women who had sex with others while there spouse was deployed and blamed their transgressions on the spouse. I take it that she did not file charges against the 'friend of a friend'. Have you opened a can of whoop @$$ on him or has she not told you who it was?

She will need to seek counseling...no doubt about it. If she was raped...it will take a while to build trust to 'give herself' in a relationship again. You must be supportive and not 'push her' to recover because you want to have sex before you are shipped out. Are you sure that not one of her closest female friends knows what happened? If not...I would be leery of the rape scenario...most women will talk to their closest friends before family and even their spouse. If so...they can help you with her during this time.

Seek assistance from a therapist.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

Wow this is a harsh one and I dont know if you will find the answer on this site but I have to ask... was she attacked or was it a date rape situation (I'm not saying she was on a date with the guy but were they comfortable enough with eachother to put themselves in a compromising position?) There are many different types of rape... I will assume that she was attacked and had absolutely no control over the situation, if this is the case I think that her biggest fight right now is with herself. She has experienced the fact that she doesnt have control over everything (it is a disgustingly frightening concept). Intimacy is all about chosing to lose or share control, that choice was taken away from her. It will take time for her to regain a sense of control. Her reaction to you is not personal but its a survival instinct, people push others away in order to give themselves time to heal. This is a time to ask her what she needs and to remind her that you see her as the perfect woman you married. Once she stops blaming herself she will reach for the person who was most understanding and hopefully that will be you.
Good luck to you and her recovery...
Time heals all wounds if you let it breath and apply the right meds.

Answer 7

You two MUST do counselling, probably she alone first. Hopefully the charges will go through and she will at least have SOME satisfaction when the B'tard is in prison. That will help somewhat. Just listen to her when she wants to talk, don't push it - she'll share stuff with you when she is ready. You are going to have to be a true man and wait for her to want to be sexual again - it may be quite a long time.

Answer 8

ok first of all... you sound a bit selfish here. You hope you can do it, mean ing get her tobe intimate, before you head back out..? That is what it sounds like...

Women who are raped suffer for YEARS from it. It causes serious damage... it was a friend of a friend and she doesnt want to be touched. It will take strength on your part and serious understanding. It just sounds like you feel you shouldnt have to suffer because she was raped, and you know what that is selfish! She didnt ASK to be raped... she doesnt WANT to withdraw from you, but at the same time she cannot just open up either. This will take time, counseling, strength, support, and lots of love... she is probably afraid that when you make love she will be thinking about being raped, or that it will remind her of it... she doesnt want to feel that again, nor does she want to feel it through or with you.

in a way she is protecting you and herself... its tough on both you and her. She blames herself, is ashamed, this is all normal for women who are raped... you should seek out some information on how to deal with this so that you can help her. She told you because she trusts you and she wanted to let you in. You are the only one she wants in that far so she is reaching out, just not sexually.

Besides if this is recent HELL NO she doesnt want intimacy of any kind. and for many years this will haunt her. Try to be more understanding and considerate of her. its not about you, not about your pleaseure dude they make lotion and tissue for that... its about restoring your wife. Rape destroys women! Rape is reducing a woman to her gender... reducing her to just and only her body and it is forcing her to bend to the sick pleasure of another... it makes her blame herself, she feels dirty, guilty, angry, hateful, sad, disgusted.... sooooo many emotions.

I do wish you the best, just try to be understanding and patient... if you really love her, you can wait and you can be as strong and supportive as she needs.

Answer 9

Your a marine dude, first thing first. Get the troops, go find the punk and deal to him you would deal to terrioist in Iraq, I mean its the same thing, look at your wife. terrified of you. You should be really really mad, and deal to the sucker....how dare he take something away from your wife and take that wonderful woman you know and threw her away. Get him man.
Then talk to your wife, because of your going away, you really need to push that she see a counseller, its the only way to effectivly deal with this. She needs professional advise, and she needs the most patience from you that you can give. Might pay to orgainise something for her while your away so she feels safe, because she is going to feel scared when your gone dude.
Im sorry this happened to you. Hope she feels better soon, just hang in there....

Answer 10

i understand you're a marine and are anxious about nearly 2 years w/out sex. but your wife is an emotional wreck, it will take a long time before she will feel comfortable with the idea of sex, let alone if she feels pressured. just give her space and encourage her to seek counseling. take her to a town away from home she needs treatment.

Answer 11

i think the best thing for you to do to help her is to keep being supportive and a great husband to her. maybe you should encourage her to get counseling. continue to be understanding of her painful and traumatic experience. this may be something she will never get over but hopefully with time she can gradually move on. make sure she continues to feel like she has a husband but also best Friend as well who is there for her.