Was I wrong to be mad at him?

Question

My husband recently went on a trip to Shanghai (with his MBA class group) and several of the nights he was out REALLY late... like 2-3 a.m. late.

I was totally cool with it the 1st night, because I understand he was with a group and wanted to have a little fun. But I did tell himt that I hoped he wouldn't do it again... but he did, 2 days later.

I tried to explain to him that it wasn't that I didn't trust him. It wasn't like I think he was cheating or anything. But he is a married man, with a young child and he is a business professional. I just don't think he has any reason to be out drinking at bars in China at 2 a.m... it is irresponsible. What if he got mugged, or got his passport stolen, or was just in the wrong place at the wrong time?

After the 2nd time I was really angry - but instead of being sorry he was angry at me. Saying I was miserable at home without him... therefore I must want him to miserable too. He said I just didn't understand... am I wrong?

Note: I am totally cool with him going out to dinner, getting a drink and hanging with friends... I'm not a controlling wife. I just think that midnight or 1 a.m. seems like a resonable time to be in... 2 to 3 a.m. seems just too late. His safety is my biggest convern... I trust him, he is grown man, to take care of himself. I just think there is more trouble that could FIND HIM once it gets to be the wee hours of morning...

Answer 1

I am sure this is a little hard on you. I mean hey he is in China, seeing all that is new and interesting and you are home with his child taking care of him. But really if a man wants to be up to no good, he doesn't need the magic hour of 2 am to get in trouble, I seem to think they can be dishonest or adulterous at any hour! So you aren't worried about that, you are worried about him, he may not be hearing you! He might hear that mom in your voice even though you are acting like a loving wife.
So think about it logically. He is in a different time zone and it may contribute to him being a night owl since that is day time here, he is with a group of people and he sticks with this crowd and he is also in a new place with well, yes, freedom.
Try to take a deep breath and let your resentments out. Ask him how he is doing, what he is seeing and try to share some of what is happening. I think it is OK to complain in love "Say Bill, I would feel better if you could be like Cinderella and be in by midnight, I love you and being so far away I worry about you" but if he is out and not receptive, you may need to just realize it is different for him right now.
Treat and pamper yourself. Do some yoga, smell some good Yankee candles, order in Japanese food get a massage and remember this in your husband and he will be home soon enough back in his routine!

Answer 2

Aren't you ever irresponsible? It can be fun, especially if you are forced to be responsible for 99.9% of your life.

You said 'several' times. Did you actually mean two times, which is all you mentioned? That's only a couple of times. I've noticed that people like to exaggerate others misdoings. I think you make a better case if you report them accurately.

You were 'cool' the first time because he was with a group of people and he wanted to have some fun. I don't think that can be quite right, because I'm assuming the second time that he was with a group of people and wanted to have some fun, but you weren' cool at all. Instead, you got very angry.

He probably misinterpreted your 'hope' that he wouldn't do it again. After all, people hope for a lot of things that don't come true. You should probably have been more explicit 'promise me you won't do it again'. Then you could have had a reason to get upset the second time, which would have been better.

Perhaps you didn't say that because you didn't want to seem too controlling? But that's what you wanted, so it would have been better to own up to that 'controlling' nature. More honest.

He's a long way from home, and he probably just feels like he is off the leash a bit and can have some fun (hopefully innocent) for once. You don't think he has a reason to be out drinking in bars in China at 2am? Who needs a reason?? Reason doesn't come into it.

2-3am is late, but it's not like he was out all night. It would have been better if you were clearer about what you expected, so then he would have known that he was breaking the rules. He reacted angrily because it seemed to him like a surprise attack for which he had no real defence.

The next time you speak, just say you were sorry that you were so angry. You didn't realize that you were going to feel that way. You are just worried that something could happen and he is a long way from home - you depend on him. He will probably offer some guarantees about his behavior, which is a lot better than you forcing something on him.

That should do it.

Answer 3

Not wrong, exactly, but I do think you are being a little over-controlling. You love your husband and you trust him, right? Then I think it was a little overbearing of you to give your husband a curfew on what is apparently an out-of-the-ordinatry occasion. He's an adult, you trust him, and he's on a trip with other students who are having fun staying up late -- stuff he doesn't get to do at home because he IS a husband and father. In Shanghai, things happen on a much different schedule -- late night meetings are common, and the pace doesn't really start until after 11 or 12.

Leave him be. I bet he hates it when you sound like his mother. Why should he be sorry? He hasn't done anything wrong, and he's defensive that you are implying that he has.

Answer 4

You expressed your concern, it was ignored and now you're angry. Nothing wrong with that. You are concerned that something will happen to you, he is mad cause you're cramping his style and attacks you so that you will back off. Typical human behavior. Attack you make you feel bad so i feel good, switch the blame to you. You miss him, you love him and dont want anything bad to happen to him. If he cannot honor that and instead makes this lil kid move of changing it around to being YOUR fault or YOU are in the wrong... then houston we have a problem. This is something that needs to be discussed. You're worried about him being out late because you care... its natural. He should have understood that, and really considered it and responded differently, but he responded from his gut. Try talking with him. I say you were justified in being angry and upset... you do understand, he is the one that didnt and he switched it on you. Try to talk it out, so that it doesnt repeat.

It could be that you were feelin a bit down that he was out funnin while your at home with the kid... so do something about it! You're a mom, but your not dead! Your concerns are valid dear. :)

Answer 5

You are not wrong to care and worry about your husband. Its all the way u say it and approach him. Positive is the answer. He is angry because he feels he is doing nothing wrong and u dont trust him..the right thing to say to him getting the same point across.....When he tells u he went drinking again..."Honey I hope you are having a good time...be careful and try not to stay out too late, u know how i worry bout u" If you are negative and dis him itll allways backfire. Men will always be men.

Answer 6

i understand why you're mad and i believe that you do have a right to be, somewhat.
however, i think you need to look at it from his point of view. he is away from home and all of the responsibilities of being a parent so he wants to have some fun.
i understand the reason why you're mad is because he did it repeatedly after you told him you didn't want him to do it again. although this is understandable, i think that peer pressure played into his decision to continue to stay out late. if everyone is going out and drinking he doesn't want to look like some boring guy who is tied to his job and his family. i don't think that his decision to go out has any reflection on how he feels about you, his job, or your child. i think that he was simply taking advantage of an opportunity to have fun. i think he was being responsible in not doing so in an arena where you or your child could see him being just some drunken guy at a bar.

Answer 7

You were treating him like a child. The guy probably has never been to China and just wanted to kick up his heels and relax and not worry about time and schedules and so on.....within reason of course.

I think you were a little out of line and being controlling about it.

He's an adult......treat him like an adult. Give to others what you would like given back to you.

Answer 8

Either you trust him or you don't. Why are you worried really?
Your concerns may be legitimate;-} but are you being honest?
He's a big boy, he's with a group, let him have some fun.

Answer 9

In part...yes. He is a grown man. He can make decisions for himself and you are treating him like a child. You need to loosen the reigns a little. You say that you trust him but you are judging him to be untrustworthy. You need to let him have his fun and hope that he is having a great time.

Answer 10

How about if the next time he calls, you have the babysitter answer and tell him you're out partying in the bars? Do that a couple of nights in a row and don't act angry about him being out anymore. See if he likes it.