In a bit of a .... situation?

Question

I have been unofficially seperated from my husband for 4 months. I am sure that we are headed for divorce but we go back and forth on trying again or ending it all. At the moment he wants try again but i think i am all out of tries. Now throw this into the mix- I am in deep with his ex friend. Our families were once close but in the past year we have all moved appart (they are divorcing- not because of us). My husband and I have had major issues through out our marriage- you name it we have pretty much "tried'' get past it. But our past has never been something that we can get over. I feel like when i started "relating" to my new man is when I realized that I was not going to be happy in my marriage, ever. We have no trust, my love for him is nomore, he does not want to deal with any issues. I am scared though. I dont know how to tell him I want a divorce- he is so minipulating and he some how gets me to feel bad for him or he cries and I am not a mean hearted person so I crumble.

Please help. Hive me some kind of guidence. I am in therapy, so please dont tell me to try that. I know of my own issues and I am getting past our issues on my own but I am also getting past him. We have 2 kids and I recently moved quite a ways away - I could not afford to live in the same area anymore. I am seeing to it that my kids are happy and my husband is very active in there lives. I tell you all of this personal info so that you can see the whole picture. My friend is very important to me and I feel for him in huge ways.

Answer 1

First of all, I think it is to soon to get involved with somebody else, you need time. Second, if you don't want to be with him do to resentment that you both have towards each other then I strongly recommend counseling, or if you just don't want to be with him then leave.

Answer 2

You do have issues that nobody but you really know what to do with. I believe if you are not in love with your husband and things are not working out, you need to move on and he does too. I don't know if your ready for another serious relationship right now, so I would certainly walk with caution on that one. It does sound bad when you fall for a friend of your husbands, but I read that things happen like that a lot. I would, if I were you, take some time to deal with your own issues and focus on getting yourself and your children through this hard time. I don't hardly ever give such understand advice, when there is another person involved in a marriage that is having problems, but you sound very sincere and you also don't sound like you are trying to get an answer that best fits what you want, other than others opinions. I wish you luck and hope that you do find happiness in your life.

Answer 3

You are living with too much turmoil right now. Seriously think this over (I'm sure you have) and make a decision soon. Once you make up your mind, talk to your husband and be at peace with your decision. It's okay if he cries or whatever, it's an emotional time. I just suggest that you don't base your decision with the new guy in mind. You don't know yet where that will end up, so ask yourself if you would be happier alone and on your own than you are with your husband. Then either way this new relationship goes, you will have made the right decision. It's different to look at it from having a relationship waiting for you than it is to look at it as yourself alone vs. married. You said you have tried everything to "fix" it, so you should feel okay about your decision to leave. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Your trying to JUSTIFY your cheating and thats what it is CHEATING!

If your serous about getting out of your marriage then do so without OTHER MAN and don't date for 6 months!
If your Counselor hasn't told you that then find a new one!
What you want is a safety net and that will fall apart because right now all you see is the wrongs with your husband and rights with your OTHER MAN!

Think about it this way if you spent the same amount of time with the NEW MAN as you did with husband could it not work out or would you feel the same way?

YOUR A MOTHER THINK OF ONLY YOUR KIDS RIGHT NOW AND STAY AWAY FROM THIS OTHER MAN BECAUSE WHEN YOUR DIVORCING THEY WILL BLAME BOTH OF YOU FOR DESTROYING THEIR FAMILY!

Do the right thing for them alone it's there happiness that counts not yours!

Answer 5

If you want a divorce bad enough you will stay strong. If it helps think of the bad times prior to seeing him. I would eliminate all contact. He can easily deal with an attorney, and if he contacts you or begins to harass you get a restraint order, change your phone number, don't answer the door. The reality of the situation is you do not have to give your self the opportunity to buckle at the knees if you do not want to. You deserve to be happy. So, quit going back and forth to a situation that time after time doesn't make you happy. Stand tall and move on.

Answer 6

You no longer love your husband and it seems you have probably gone back with him previously because of his manipulation.....so it wasnt going to work anyway....not if your heart wasnt in it. Maybe being involved with your new man will give you the strength to not crumble under your husband's manipulation. It's good you live a fair distance from your husband because you could write down everything you want to say to him and email it. Then you wouldnt have to see his face and feel sorry for him. Maybe in your email you can tell him that you will not be answering your phone for a few days until he has time to process everything you have said. You may not feel strong but I am sure you can sound strong in an email. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not crumble anymore, so he can kick, he can scream he can cry and all you will do is walk away. And thats what you have to do. It's not your job to make him feel better....maybe he should do what you are doing and go see a counsellor to help himself. When you are writing this email...or even if you tell him face to face just keep on telling yourself that your husband is not a little boy anymore...he is a mature adult and he is using emotional blackmail on you. He will get over this, but the longer you drag it out the longer it will take for both of you to move on. The hardest part in any marriage split is to decide in your head that it is over. You have done that. You now have to act. You have to tell your husband you want a divorce....either in an email or face-to-face. The hardest part is over....you have made a decision. Now all you have to do is carry it out. You are in therapy so you would have gained a bit of strength I am assuming. You already have worked out that your husband is a manipulator....so keep that thought very close when you tell him. You have the strength to do this....you just have to convince yourself of that fact. The longer you delay the harder it will get. Take care.

Answer 7

Here is the way that I look at it.......when he asked you out after you met him, you said yes. When he wanted to have sex, you probably said yes. When he wanted you to be exclusive with him, you said yes. When he asked you to marry him, you said yes. When you got pregnant, you had not one but TWO children with him. And now you've both decided that life is too tough, too hard, and that divorce is what's best? Why? Why would one of you or both of you ruin it all now after you've brought two children into the world together? Sure somebody else is going to sound better because you two can't seem to resolve your issues. Unless you're going to insist that the love you felt for him is 100% gone with absolutely no chance of it ever coming back, then I think you owe it to your husband, your marriage, your kids, and your future to try and work it out with professional help. People give up so easily these days. Don't be one of them!

Answer 8

I am not going to tell you to go to therapy, but I am going to tell you to stop messing around with this other guy. Divorce is hard even if it is best for both of you, but jumping from the pot into the fire is a recipe for disaster. You need time to heal and get over the breakup of your marriage and I feel by jumping into another relationship you are just avoiding the pain by trying to have feelings for someone else. If and when this relationship doesnt work out, your going to be hurting BIG TIME.

Answer 9

Since you've moved away, it will be harder for him to manipulate your emotions or the situation. I would have your lawyer draw up the divorce papers and put them in the mail w/ a very kind note saying "You know we've both tried very hard but now it's time for us both to move on and find happiness. I want that for you so much and I know for sure that it will never be with me. Please sign these papers so we can finally move on and just hopefully have a great friendship for the sake of our children."

When/if he tries to call, I just wouldn't answer. Or you can answer but keep it very, very short - just say "you need to know, I'm not going back this time. Either sign the papers or I will go forward with a contested divorce."

Answer 10

I see now... Your not a mean person...Ok How do you think that it's going to hit your husband (if you decide to tell him you want a divorce) when he finds who you are with? Don't you trust yourself enough to end your marriage and seek another man out there unconnected to your old life? These questions just keep getting better and better.

Answer 11

Sounds like a hard situation....but you gotta go with what your gutt and your heart tells you, think long and hard before you start something, you have to think do you really really love your husband, sometimes it takes a billion trys before things really can work...you married him for a reason....if you truely think your all out of tries then tell him how you feel and stand your ground, if he sweet talks you back in then you must really still have feelings for this man and want to make it work...think things through really long and hard before opening a can of worms, because sometimes you can't go back and you don't want to go through life with regrets....go with whats in your heart, it'll lead you to the right decision