new poem! i need critics!?

Question

i have a new poem. tell me:
if you like it
what you think its about
if it sucks or its good
best answer gets 10 pts tomorrow
possibly a poem or lyrics of yours!!

“Perfect Stranger”

As the years passes I had no idea what I would miss.
There was no warning that it would ever come to this.
Looking back, I would have never guessed you’d be gone.
From then to now changed like dusk to dawn.

I now have pain no medicine can fix.
No where to hide, I know all of your tricks.
Looking back it’s still surprising.
As I am sinking, you are slowly rising.

Adolescence is a silent killer that can slip through your mind.
Thought you had everything, but you were stole completely blind.
Someone so close to you, changed so rapidly, so confused.
Trusted them with all your heart and all you got was bruised.

It is out of my hands now, I give him to you, watch over him tonight.
I want to be there, but all I can do is pray everything will be alright.
How can you love someone so much and they push you away;
Like you are nothing but a mannequin on an utter display?

Often times when I think of you and wish I could be there.
So much has happened, so many memories shared.
Reminiscing through old pictures and knick-knacks always makes me cry.
So hard I have tried to understand, and still I don’t know why.

Someone so close can be so far away in such a quick flash.
Like something with no significance than a dirty piece of trash.
I wonder if I ever come to your mind, how I feel.
No matter the time that may pass, this will never seem real.

Answer 1

This is a beautiful poem...I totally relate....I've been thru a break up & my was it painful...I often ask myself the same questions, why?...
Very good poem..I luv this line:
"How can you love someone so much and they push you away;
Like you are nothing but a mannequin on an utter display?"
the mannequin is a great way of describing the feelings he had & showed towards you -- no heart...very good job! I luv it.

Answer 2

You have some interesting images here--some good writing. Let's go through your poem:

I will attempt to give you an edited rewrite for an example of some things you could do--I almost always write in free verse but I will attempt to keep your rhyme in place.

Perfect Stranger (edited look)

Years pass with no idea what I would miss.
There was no warning it would come to this.
I would never have guessed you’d be gone,
Like dusk retreating from the dawn.

I now have pain no medicine can fix.
Nowhere to hide, I know all your tricks.
Looking back it’s still surprising.
As I am sinking, you are rising

Adolescence, a silent killer, can slip into your mind.
Thought you had everything, but were completely blind.
Someone close changed leaving you confused.
Trusted them fully and all you got was bruised.

I give him to you, watch over him tonight.
I can only pray everything will be alright.
You love someone so much and they push you away;
Like you are nothing but a mannequin on utter display?

I think of you and wish I could be there.
Much has happened, many memories shared.
Old pictures and knick-knacks always make me cry.
I have tried to understand, and still don’t know why.

Someone close can be far away in a quick flash.
With no more significance than a piece of trash.
I wonder if you ever consider how I feel.
Even with much time passed, it will never seem real.

Ok, I''m not saying that's the end all be all of your poem, but I did pare some words down as an example to you. I like the thoughts you are conveying I just thought it needed to be trimmed down some (not necessarily the way I did it).

Thanks for sharing.

Answer 3

Yours:

“Perfect Stranger”

As the years passes I had no idea what I would miss.
There was no warning that it would ever come to this.
Looking back, I would have never guessed you’d be gone.
From then to now changed like dusk to dawn.

I now have pain no medicine can fix.
No where to hide, I know all of your tricks.
Looking back it’s still surprising.
As I am sinking, you are slowly rising.

Adolescence is a silent killer that can slip through your mind.
Thought you had everything, but you were stole completely blind.
Someone so close to you, changed so rapidly, so confused.
Trusted them with all your heart and all you got was bruised.

It is out of my hands now, I give him to you, watch over him tonight.
I want to be there, but all I can do is pray everything will be alright.
How can you love someone so much and they push you away;
Like you are nothing but a mannequin on an utter display?

Often times when I think of you and wish I could be there.
So much has happened, so many memories shared.
Reminiscing through old pictures and knick-knacks always makes me cry.
So hard I have tried to understand, and still I don’t know why.

Someone so close can be so far away in such a quick flash.
Like something with no significance than a dirty piece of trash.
I wonder if I ever come to your mind, how I feel.
No matter the time that may pass, this will never seem real.
Mine:
Mine
Perfect Stranger
By
Jackie Edwards
As the years passed and we grew into ourselves
There was no warning of trouble ahead.
Looking back through the years you never gave a clue of leaving
Now, like the light of day to the dawn of night
Things have turned dark.
The pain has set in.
No place to hide
No pill to take.
I am sinking in the darkness
And you are basking in the sun.
Bruised and aroused
Adolescence has faded and life begun.
All grown up and life on your own
You do not need me anymore.
Was I just a mannequin on display?
Often memories come to mind.
A picture, a memento or just a thought,
I have to think if I am thought of,
Is a tear shed for me?
For many are shed for you.
So close yet so far away.
Thrown to the wind
Discarded like trash unwanted,
Time will come and time will go
But this will never be real to my heart.

Answer 4

I was expecting some appalling dreck, but you really have some nice thoughts here! I especially liked:

"I now have pain no medicine can fix.
No where to hide, I know all of your tricks.
Looking back it’s still surprising.
As I am sinking, you are slowly rising."

Some passages are little wordy. Remember, poetry is supposed to evoke thoughts from people. It's not journalism. You don't tell the reader everything. You imply things, and he must infer the rest. You could think of some poetry as flirting with the reader, or teasing him a bit. It makes him think and fill in the blanks.

As practice, try changing this line: "Thought you had everything, but you were stole completely blind." (and what is "stole"?) More poetic would be, "You not a complete set, the eyes are still missing".

Another line that needs work because it's so literal rather than poetic: "I want to be there, but all I can do is pray everything will be alright." How about: Absence tugs at my heart, while my mind has fairy tale endings in sight".

Last criticism: be less literal, more imaginative. Look at this:

"How can you love someone so much and they push you away;
Like you are nothing but a mannequin on an utter display?" (utter??)
Try instead:
Waves of love fail against the pull of the tide, or so you say
I'm a mannequin, naked, alone, that you put on display

Good wishes. You have some nice ideas. Just remember, poetry is evocative, not literal.

Send me the final version. I'd love to read it.

Answer 5

I do not understand it at all. Perfect stranger? but the poem reads like you have know then all your life. So which is it? Is the person perfect and now a stranger to you because they left you, or was it someone you knew of but never meet and now that person left and started a life, but you are still not at that point in your life that you are ready to be on your own?

Answer 6

as the years pass might flow better than as the years passes....
over all great, compelling and universal
perhaps in a few months a final stanza reflecting your recovery from this hurt and what you hope for both of you in the future
keep writing and editing
practice makes perfect

Answer 7

it gets a liitle ruff in the middle but generally i like

Answer 8

www.poeticfreedom.com
free forum!! go join, post and receive critiques there.