Need help writing dialogue in a book, for some reason it just does not flow.?

Question

Here is a passage from what I have been writing so far.
"It was the chair," he said.
"Yeah, it was." She replied sarcastically.
"Sorry 'bout Ted..." Peter started, but Carol interupted with slight annoyance in her voice, "You know what, I'm kinda bummed out about talking about it."
"Fair enough," he ended.
Carol leaned back in her seat and closed her eye. She looked like she had spent the whole night up and had dark circles under her eyes, and slight hints of tear stains on her rosy cheeks. Peter had the sudden impulse the kiss her, and leaned out of his seat, but hesistated. He never handled situations with women well, and would always clam up at the last second.
Carol opened her eyes, she had heard the movement and saw Peter staring at her, hunched over.
"What?" she laughed, "You look like you are studying me, something wrong?"
Peter leaned back in his chair and smiled, he was laughing at himself on the inside of his cowardness with women. "No."

Answer 1

You have to decide how 'well' you characters speak: do they say "you are" or "you're". Someone who would say "kinda" is probably going to say "you're". The phrase "you look like you are studying me" seems awkward, almost too proper for someone who just said "I'm kinda bummed out". They would probably say something along the lines of "why are you looking at me, is there something wrong?" And a guy having women trouble would probably not be "laughing at himself on the inside" he would be "kicking himself for being such a coward/idiot with women."

I think your problem is that while you instinctively know something isn't right with the dialog-- but the problem most likely stems from character development-- being that within the small sample you have provided us your characters mannerisms don't flow because they don't seem like the same characters from onel line to the next. I would suggest sitting down and writing a little 'biograhpy' of each of your characters, the who, what, when, where, and why of their personaliity. Perhaps once you know your characters better you will be more prepared to write the words from their lips.

Answer 2

I don't get WHAT was the chair, but maybe:
"It was the chair," he said.
"Oh, right."

I think it's easier to make the words themselves sound sarcastic than to have to say they were said sarcastically. (Although since I don't get that bit, I may be wrong.)

I also find it odd that you switched from he/she to Peter/Carol. I assume there are only the two of them, and they're main characters, so why do they suddenly need names?

"Sorry 'bout Ted..." Peter started, but she cut him off. "Can we not talk about it, please?"
"Fair enough," he ended.
Carol leaned back and closed her eyes. ["eye" was a typo, I presume?]

OK now suddenly. apparently in the middle of a scene you say what she looks like--that seems odd. You could either move the description to when we first see her OR (probably better) make it clear that it's Peter who's suddenly noticing this about her.

I don't like all the "leaning in seat"s you have, maybe that's just me.

I would take this out: "He never handled situations with women well, and would always clam up at the last second" and then combine that idea with the part about laughing at himself.

Why is Carol laughing at the end there? Shouldn't she still be annoyed?

Answer 3

Dialogue is what your characters say, although it is used as a technique for many things. Often the reason behind confusing dialogue is poor character development. You have to know your character better than anyone. It is like somebody telling you that your mother or father, or sibling, or best friend said something that you just KNEW was "out of their character. My kids don't walk around the house talking like, "Excuse me father. May I have more dessert?"

Ineffective dialogue tags are another killer. "she replied sarcastically", "he ended." You might want to think about changing those, and you might want to change the position of the tags: She said sarcastically, "Yeah, it was."

The problem I have with dialogue is choosing what to quote and what not to quote. Quoting what your characters say is not what is always the best and most effective. You must keep in mind of the point of view: if the story is in first person you do not want to quote everything in order to develop the narrator. The same thing goes for the omniscient voice.

I would write the last line as this:

Peter shook his head. He was always a coward with women.

Answer 4

There are not any absolute regulations in fiction, yet there are a super many conventions and expectancies. in the journey that your communicate is formatted as you have shown, this is not incorrect as such, yet some readers will locate it jarring. some human beings (like me), while they have observed one ingredient that's "incorrect" will initiate finding for different issues that are "incorrect", somewhat of taking part in the tale. So in case you want to jot down like that, pass forward, yet i think of your writing will might desire to be that lots more suitable to conquer the jarring and the sensation of wrongness that some readers gets from it.

Answer 5

I would recomend changing the "Bummed out about talking about it" to something like "I'm done talking about it", or " Can we please stop talking about it? its depressing" or something like although I dont even know what that was about, if you tell me I could give better advice. change that word go to thesaurus.com and type in bummed and it will come up with a bunch of things, see what other words could work and fit the mood better. and also when you write laughing at himself on the inside it seems like he is genuinely amused however you are looking for something like "he was (scoffing, snorting, cackling or something like that)discouragedly at himself inwardly

Answer 6

"You know what, I'm kinda bummed out about talking about it."
That's the only part that I thought didn't really flow. Maybe you should change it to something like
"You know what, I'm kinda bummed out just talking about it."
It's just a small change, but I think it'd help.

It sounds good! Happy writing!

Answer 7

I think that what kills the conversation is "he ended", "she laughes" etc etc.

Just put the dialogues in and the readers will omaging what happened with the characters. I think then it'll flow better.

Answer 8

do some soul searching