Is it normal to be upset at something "little" when it happens over & over?

Question

Okay, so I really hate getting so upset, especially at these little things, but it's frustrating when my husband does these things over & over...i.e.: breaking dishes and other nice decorative things in the house constantly, not knowing how to handle the crying baby, putting the kids back to sleep when they've just woken up from a nap, son carrying a knife around and husband says "he just didn't see him"....he can be so careless and we always end up fighting because i'm always upset at these things! How can we change? Is it normal for me to be upset at these things, especially when some of them happen over & over? My husband wants me to be happy and not so moody, but it's very hard when his carelessness continues!!! What should i do?

these are just a few things that have happened within the past week...there are always new things that seem to happen. Maybe i really am overreacting and need to relax more....

i should add, since most think he's doing dishes...he's not. He just tends to be clumsy with things. I guess he's not thinking about being careful.

Answer 1

Well, dear, "we" do not change. He does. Except that if he was going to change he already would have. So, either you adjust to the behaviors, or not.

People who put the kids back to bed at the end of naps, and allow small children to carry knives are seeking their own convenience. This is the core of your complaint. You see symptoms of his desire to be rid of the responsibility. But the actual disease is his attitude.

He wants you to ignore all of his ignorance and just "be happy" with no effort on his part at all.

He has anger issues, dear, and he's angry with you. There's no one else to vent at, so you win.

You will not have dishes or pretty things, or peace in your house as long as you depend on him to follow through. It's called being passive aggressive. He can't address the issue and come right out and say,"You deal with the baby." or " I don't want the kids to get up from naps because it inconveniences me." so he breaks a dish, or a ditty you loved and claims he's careless. He's not careless. He's mean.

You're just having a normal reaction to someone who treats you with No Respect.

I had left the kids with my then-husband to do groceries in peace. I came home to a broken window. He didn't see them do it. Same thing the next week. Broken window number two. He hadn't even fixed the first one. (I ended up having the repairs done.)

So, quit depending on him for Anything, know it's all on you, "be happy" with it, and he'll be fine.

I just hope he's worth it.

Answer 2

Oh boy.

Yes, your husband is a little clumsy, but it sounds to me like you two have more of a parent-child relationship than a husband-wife relationship - you being the parent, him being the child.

Who is to say that your way of doing things is better or correct? Yes, if he's breaking dishes that would get annoying, but a big clumsy ox can also be endearing. The fact that he's trying to be an active participant in your household is important, but with you constantly criticizing or cutting him down over the way he handles things (literally), the baby, or parents your son must make him feel awful.

Be VERY careful in the way you discuss this with him. He's probably trying his best. Maybe if the two of you sat down and worked through your priorities as parents; made a list of "To-Do's" and "Not-To-Do's" - that you come up with TOGETHER, he'd have a better idea of how to handle things, and you'd be able to appreciate things from his perspective.

As for breaking dishes, etc.... have him stop doing the dishes. Of course then you'd be complaining that he doesn't help out. Pick your battles.

Answer 3

Perhaps your husband needs parenting classes. Most of the things you described centered around the fact that your husband doesn't have very firm parenting skills...and this could end up being detrimental or even hazardous if left too long.

As for him breaking stuff, well, just don't let him touch those things, which may be the reason he's doing it in the first place - unconsciously or not - so he doesn't have to wash dishes or whatever.

Realistically, if you have tried in good faith to talk to him reasonably and rationally, then maybe you two could benefit from some couples counseling.

Answer 4

Yes, it's pretty upsetting... Take an inventory of the things your husband does WELL, and make sure he knows he's in charge of them. You can take over the things that YOU do better than him - keep him away from the dishes and tchothckies, pay close attention to the kids, console the baby. There's nothing wrong with the division of labor, and in the long run it's more constructive than constantly getting upset over the same things over and over. My husband never has to clean up after dinner and do dishes, but guess what... I never have to clean the yard, install new lighting or fix the plumbing. It's a fair trade.

Answer 5

A lot of what you mentioned is far from a little thing. A child carrying a knife? Yikes. It sounds to me like your husband is lazy and careless. Of course he wants the kids back to sleep so he doesn't have to deal with them. I think you both need counseling. Him for his lack of maturity and care and you to help you find a way to work through this and forgive him.

Answer 6

While my husband and I don't have kids (I don't want them and he's fine with that), I absolutely REFUSE to allow myself to get upset over little things. It's not worth the time or effort and it makes everyone feel bad. Focus on the good parts of your marriage and don't worry about broken dishes - you can always buy new ones.

Answer 7

It's normal but wrong. You're messing up your marriage if you continue to get upset or criticize frequently rather than keeping things in proportion.

Who keeps initiating these fights? What's more valuable, the marriage or the occasional dish? The Marriage or an interrupted second nap? Being able to criticize a poor parenting decision or being able to calmly and in good humor discuss better alternatives?

Answer 8

Yes that is normal. You take and you take, hoping that he will pay attention, then one day something small just sets you off. Right now mine is really stupid, its the basement light, every time he goes down, never turns the light off when he finishes coming up the stairs, it might be once a day or it could be 50 times a day, that switch never finds the off position, Ive tried being sarcastic, are you done down there? Ive tried ranting, I'm going to take the bulbs out of the sockets if it doesn't get turned off, Ive tried everything. doesn't work
for you, its more serious because it is your kids, you need to tell him to pay attention, ask him whats it going to take for you to notice
This is going to sound bad, how old is your oldest child? Can you get one of them to walk with a knife and squirt that fake blood on his/her hands? Have them freak and see what he does then, maybe this will make him take notice of what is going on around him.
good luck

Answer 9

Yes it is normal. I'm in a similiar situation. We bicker and argue about almost everything, and it makes me very sad that we can't seem to get out of the cycle. I think the 'tone' makes the music. I try to say everything nicely, but my husband has a constant angry undertone, that seems to drive me in the defense. From there it always esculates.
The things your husband does would irritate me as well. Just try this; Try to tell him in a very sweet manner what bothers you. Look in his eyes, take his hand and talk lovingly. Just try it...Maybe he will listen to you more then.
Good luck Hon...I know, it 'ain't ' easy.

Answer 10

See a marriage counselor because you keep getting upset over the same things and your anger isn't doing any good.
If you don't want to get counseling, read "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" so you learn how to get your man to behave the way you want him to. Your anger, fights, moodiness, and constant upset aren't working.