I wrote this a couple years ago. What do you think?
She shines a light on my shadow side
And all the darkness hidden there --
The pain, the demons -- disappear,
Leaving only me.
My insecurity,
Which long has wrapped around me like a shroud --
Constricting my spirit and holding down
With mental chains of guilt and fear
My birthright, joy -- is drawn clear.
Not lifted, like a burden eased
By passing stranger's kindly aid
To fall again across my back
When turning time has newly made
My thoughts return to fear and lack;
Rather, it is set ablaze,
To be consumed entirely
In heat of her accepting gaze
That sees, and knows, and still desires me.
And the shadow-host that rends my soul
Is driven back like ghosts before the sun.
And I stand proud, and strong, and whole,
And now I have become the Shining One.
2007-07-03 08:15:35 · 7 answers · asked by Sir N. Neti 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This is a lot better than most of what I read on Yahoo! Answers--good job. You sound imaginative, and talented. You have a good style, too. Keep it up!
Your fellow writer :-)
2007-07-03 08:36:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wonderful
2007-07-03 08:57:11 · answer #2 · answered by Yomi Minamino 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is beautiful. Your words flow together nicely.
I had to read it twice to understand it. My only suggestion would be to break it up into a few stanzas.
Each time you use -- I think I would make that a seperate piece. Yea. That's what I would do; it would make it slightly easier to know what pieces are asides and what pieces are not.
Kudos. You get a gold star!
2007-07-03 08:37:24 · answer #3 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful.
In many ways why i myself am a lover of women...lol.
I agree, though, that there seem to be a FEW extra words that could be trimmed and maybe the imagery given a quick spitshine?
2007-07-03 08:54:40 · answer #4 · answered by The cat 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i do no longer concern approximately harsh critique. i've got had lots of that for the duration of my time. You pass forward in case you think of i've got written rubbish. via the way, spelling errors on your first line HH. would desire to be pal upload: except you have have been given a various way of spelling it anyplace you come from.(smiles)
2016-12-08 23:40:20 · answer #5 · answered by calderon 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good. Needs a slight trim job. Good poetry.
2007-07-03 08:21:58 · answer #6 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't cut it down! This is really good!
2007-07-03 08:23:52 · answer #7 · answered by magix151 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋