I started seeing this guy, he is absolutly perfect. I never felt like this before about anyone. The thought of losing him scares me, and the fact that its only been a month scares me even more. We both were recently divorced. I have never been in this kind of situation before, but I've noticed little signs that he misses her. He kinda talks about her sometimes, or if he sees something he will say "My ex wife had one of those". Then in his room in three days his and his ex's rings were in three different places like he was looking at them or something. I understand that he was with her for seven years and that it is our human nature to "Miss our ex's" but I almost feel like I'm being disrespected. But I want to be understanding and make sure he has time to become himself. But I also know she did him wrong and for the last two years of their marriage he was in Iraq. He got back in Dec. and they filed March. Should I give him time? Like back off? or what?
2007-07-03 07:35:05 · 27 answers · asked by B 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Believe it or not....a lot of men share that kind of thing with someone they feel safe and close with. To a man that is a form of communication. They tell you about what kind of person their ex was so you can know more about their psyche!
Believe it or not, we think it helps you understand us better if we share our thoughts about things like that. Personally I have no trouble at all communicating my thoughts and feelings. I worked my a.s.s off for years to develop that skill and am better off for having done it, but many men don't do that. BUT the concept is the same. The better you know about the people in our past, the better you can know us. To a man that is a very intimate thing and it's how a lot of mean reach into their feelings/
You ladies often don't see that and start huffing and puffing about it. That makes us close off because we feel we are getting rejected and cut-off. Each time that happens we close off more and more until a point we think....'what's the point'.
Then when we clam up the ladies don't understand where the communication went to.
Well...now you know.
Learn to live a little beyond yourself. Learn to be empathetic and allow yourself to not be threatened by someone that had years of someone's life and was ejected from it.
Be confident, supportive and when you feel the need to speak......just listen instead.
2007-07-03 07:43:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've been with him for a month. R-E-L-A-X.
New relationships are strange under any circumstance; it takes a long time to know someone, to build trust, to bond. The fact that you fearlosing him or think that he's "absolutely perfect" after a mere month of seeing each other just SCREAMS codependence. You need to slow things down, especially considering that he only filed for divorce in March.
If you truly care about this person, you must accept their past, too. Right now his ex wife (is the divorce even final yet?) is still very relevant to who he is. You are not being disrespected, you are being disrespectFUL - not to mention a little selfish.
You can not confine this man; the tighter you hold on to him, the further you may end up driving him away - especially if you lack the compassion or patience necessary in dealing with his (very) recent divorce.
You both need time to figure out who you are, you should work on cultivating some interests and hobbie of your own OUTSIDE of having a relationship, and butt out of his marriage for the time being.
2007-07-03 07:42:13 · answer #2 · answered by Courtney 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do him one big favor. Stop pretending he's perfect. As soon as he shows you he's not (no one is), don't let that be a reason this relationship fails.
The other thing you need to understand is that not everything that involves an ex is missing them. Some people find it necessary to say hello to old ghosts just to remind themselves of who and where they are now. Opening up the past for a little while can give you a perspective on the present and the future. Just because you touch base with something from the past does not mean you miss it.
2007-07-03 07:42:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Despite the interest, you have not reached the GF status after just one month. I am not talking about what you or he think as GF or BF, it is the nature time to know each other. As such, you are sticking your nose in business you don't belong and can't demand anything from him at this point.
Whether he is treating you as a rebound girl or serious, don't know. And if just came back from Iraq and then divorced, there is something about him that hasn't come out yet. With all due respect to the veterans, they have come back from very dire situations and you have not accounted for that yet.
2007-07-03 16:50:36 · answer #4 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I would talk to him alone about the memories of his ex-wife and see what you could do to maybe help the guy out with his feelings, you know, get things sorted out. I just got out of a very serious relationship (boyfriend, not husband, though) and I am not probably going to get over him for a while. He just needs somebody to talk to. Become his friend first, before getting really serious, make sure you can comfort him in time of needs. Like this one, he needs you.
2007-07-03 07:48:02 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, unfortunately i would say that he needs time. He just got out of a very serious relationship/marriage and needs time to resolve issues within himself and time to get over his ex. I never understood why people rush into relationships with out giving themselves the time they need. It sounds like everything is still to fresh. If i were you i would talk to him and tell him that you understand what he is going through and you feel like it would be better if he had time and space to resolve issues with in himself and move on. If you really liked this guy and think he is worth waiting for him then let him know that you will be waiting for him until he is ready and reassure him that it isn't because you don't like him. Anyways that's what i get out of all this. Good luck!
2007-07-03 07:44:43 · answer #6 · answered by California Kush 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Haven't you ever heard of rebound love? Since you are both recently divorced, that's what you have a case of. I sure you know in your head it's to soon to leap into another relationship, that goes for both of you. It seldom works out. You've both been hurt and have many things to get over and straighten out in your lives. Enjoy each other, but don't bank on it going anywhere or lasting very long! Sorry, just giving you the truth!
2007-07-03 07:41:18 · answer #7 · answered by wish I were 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think hes a little unstable ! I mean its not his fault hes been in a war zone ! I think you should stick with him and try and help him work it out . Give him 6 months show him how much you can love him and see if he responds and if not then I suggest you get out and start with someone else . He probably needs some counseling or somthing but if you tell him then its over between you probably !
2007-07-03 07:41:27 · answer #8 · answered by wishingstar5555 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i think that you should give him sometime, but how long are you willing to waite for, if you see that he continues to talk abouth his wife infront of you then you may have a problem maybe he still loves her and at any chance he has he will go back and then you will be left on your owne, just try to hold off with the fillings dont let your self fall as fast. because at the end if he dose chose her back he will be the one hurting your fillings.
2007-07-03 07:45:28 · answer #9 · answered by Cali~Girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Each of you needs a year after the divorce is final before dating. For what you say of him, it's too fresh for him and he needs time. It's not fair for you to be resentful.
You two just have not the right timing.
2007-07-03 08:36:29 · answer #10 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋