I want to know if i am fit for marraige. I am married 2nd time. The 1st one culminated to divorce due to dowry

Question

I am married for 7 months. Its my 2nd marraige. 1st , though a love marriage culminated to divorce due to dowry demands n incompatibility. 2nd marraige-arranged. From the beggining, i found my husband very quiet and non-interested in me and my life. He also had sexual performance problems which made me feel rejected but i supported him and was patient. My husband and i have stayed together for 35-40 days only since marraige as we are based in diff countries. Once we were away, i felt his disinterest in me all the more so i spoke to my father in law n told him that acc. to me the marraige is not working. I was lost, upset, confused, frustrated n angry with myself n others for putting me in this situation. I stop talking to all including my in-laws n my family. Now my mother is with me n she showed me another side of my hubby. Acc 2her, he is caring n loves me but could not express. I want to now reconcile n give our relationship a chance but my in-laws think otherwise. What do i do?

I thought i must add this that my husband is not wanting to take any decisions by himself. He feels that since this is an arrange marraige and family was involved in that decision, what ever that has to be done had to be as per what the family says. So now, its not gonna be him taking any decisions but his father and sister will decide what must be done. His mother has told me very clearly that she has decided with her daughter and son that they do not want me in their family any more. But his father has not said anything such yet. I need all hte possible help and guidance. Please help me solve my problem.

Answer 1

This question is being answered by people from western cultures who mean well... but they don't understand. I am also from a Western culture but have a fair bit of understanding of Indian culture (I'm guessing from your name and the details of your problem).

It is well-documented that Indian men often (please note, I didn't say always!) have difficulty in expressing their intimate feelings, both emotionally and sexually, with their wives. Often, this will work itself out with time but it can be very difficult on both parties, particularly the wife. As this is your second marriage, it's even more difficult for you.

I understand why your in-laws are able to prevent reconciliation. They are his parents and always will be, even though he is now an adult and married. Still, it is an arranged marriage and they were in charge there too.

If you are sure you want to give your marriage another try and you have the full backing of your parents (who must hope to see this marriage work all the more because of the failed first marriage), get your parents to talk to his parents. Try to talk to your husband directly, too, of course. But with enough talking, calmly and respectfully, from all sides, it could well turn things around for you and your husband.

The support of your parents and his is vital to this relationship, under the circumstances. But you definitely need to express your feelings to your husband and help him to express his to you.

Even if things do not work out you mustn't blame yourself and think you are unfit for marriage. When we are young, we are prone to choosing people who are not right for us long-term. An arranged marriage is based on a whole set of factors, none of which is personal compatibility. You are no more or less fit for marriage than the rest of us!

Good luck - my prayers will go with you.

Answer 2

After going through all the facts of your case it seems your second marriage is too a failure because of the indifferent attitude of your husband. It further seems he is not bold enough to tell you straight forward about his disinterest in you & being a spineless person is taking help of his mother, sister & father to bring all this to your knowledge. The best for you to do in such a case meet him in person & clarify this fact about the dissolution of this marriage, if he is for it then no use continuing such a matrimonial relationship with him further. Let both of you work out the formalities for divorce by mutual consent, the joint petition for which you can file on the completion of the one years period of the said marriage as required by the law. In the mean time you can work out how you have to live away from him i.e. plan some job if your are unemployed or find a separate place to live after the divorce if you will not be staying with your parents & other issues relating to bank & other financial matters relating to your married life such as Alimony etc. I don't think such marriages where any of the spouse is under the control of other family member work out as the very fact marriage means a person is now grown up to take independent decision of his or her own but if he or she look for other members of his or her family to solve any such problem then sorry no use continuing with such a person.

Answer 3

This is what happens when you allow OTHER people to arrange marraiges and decide your fate. It's a stupid concept, it's always been a stupid concept and always WILL be a stupid concept.
If you and your husband have some sort of miscommunication, you need to talk through it and work together to make things work. His mother and sister will get over their anger once they see you truly do love your husband. Go to your husband, just ask for a chance to TRY to work things out. That's all you can do.

Answer 4

In the past, even when a husband and wife were unhappy, divorce was frowned upon. In the past, many men and women (probably mostly women) put up with staying in the marriage either for the kids, because they had nowhere else to go/didn't have financial independance, their church wouldn't allow divorce/they didn't believe in divorce etc... and in the past I suspect many men just had the luxury of being able to go out and have extra-marital affairs while his wife did not if she was a house-wife and especially more if the husband was the only one who had a car. it doesn't mean back then there were more couples working hard at having a good marriage. I think there were more couples just putting up with their marriage because it just wasn't accepted as much as now. as for a guy having kids, home, love, intimacy, companionship, clean clothes/house, cooked meals, and sex regularly, in a lot of cases guys take advantage of the women when they are the one who expects this is a a woman's place. Just because it may be a traditional role for a woman to do these things, it does not mean a man should just come home from work to a clean home and say "so what exactly did you do all day?" and not lift a finger and order her around, or say things like "this isn't our money, its MY money, I am the one who is working!!" in the times when being a housewife was the norm women were dependent on men and were made to feel they had no claim to the marital finances, the home, etc... if they would divorce. The husband who works owned it all. this is happening still today in many cultures. and today still, even with women out in the workforce being more of the norm, people are still not working hard at saving their marriages. There is still people couples who disrespect each other, have affairs (men and women because when the sexual revolution came, women get to "sin as men" do), etc... But now it just became accepted for people to divorce. Plus women have a lot more rights now so more women feel more empowered (but not in all cases) and don't have to put up with their unhappy marriages. it still happens though, how many times have you heard "I'm staying just because of the kids" the only thing nowadays though, is we have a lot more support to be able to work through problems in a marriage. There is plenty of sexual and marital counselors available to go speak with but when people don't think they should have to work at their marriage, they don't take advantage of these counselors. many marriages that ended in divorce probably could have been saved had the couples attended counseling.

Answer 5

It seams like your cultural wherever you are writing from have a great influence in your marriage. So it will be hard to say do this or do that, but all is still not loss yet. even in the most extreme cultural you can find one person that will understand and support you. and I think in your case, your mom is that person. good luck

Answer 6

family is important but this is your life who is man you have to live whole life he don't care or he is not stronger enough to make decision.what kind of the life you had?this is 21st cent.grow up get out from stupid society rules,forget about every body,be strong and make final decision for your life.time change you have too change.no body gone a feel your pain.don't feel bad.but i have to tell you your husband is not enough man to get married any women.be STRONG....

Answer 7

This is a good lesson to arrogant, ignorant and idiotic women who dance on their own whims and fancies not realising of raping their own lives like yourself!!! - Suffer for all the wrong you have done for the Rest of your life. Live long and suffer more!!

Answer 8

I suggest you keep the IN laws down wind and try and make y marriage work!our

Answer 9

This is a problem between you and your husband. Your in-laws have nothing to do with it. You and your husband should work this problem out.

Answer 10

I think the frustration is more because of lack of sexual fulfillment which is understandable.
you may seek medical help for him....