Both in our late 40s, she's been divorced twice, wants to marry me, tells me I'm the love of her life. I was married once and divorced, and I don't want to get married again unless it's the right person and circumstances. I was never blessed with children, would have loved to have them, but it takes two to tango and ex wife finally decided she didn't want kids. I think if you have kids it means you're committed to your children and spouse forever unless something truly catastrophic happens. I feel "third best" with this woman - she has loved two men enough to bear their children, yet she will never have kids with me. How can she tell me she loves me more than any man ever in her life? I love her, too, I just feel like I'm the "good enough" guy to marry at this later stage in her life. Is it possible for a woman to have kids by two other men, and yet love a third man more who fathered none of her children?
2007-07-02 15:06:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, I think you answered your own question already.
There's really no need for the two of you to rush into marriage. Especially because your intuition tells you that there's something not right. I think you know that she doesn't wholeheartedly mean what she is telling you. And I think you sense that something else is up, that there is some sort of agenda on her part, an ulterior motive.
Why not wait? I mean, you probably haven't known each other that long.
Also, and please forgive me for saying this: but I can read between the lines that you would love to have children. Maybe with someone who either doesn't have children already or at least someone who hasn't had children with two different men whom she divorced, perhaps under bad and bitter circumstances.
My suggestion really would be that you keep yourself open to other options. You sound like a really great guy. And there's no reason why you shouldn't pursue what you want deep down inside for your own life. Don't get drawn into someone else's problems.
And why do you say "later stage" ? You're still kicking, it seems to me. And my suggestion is that you go places where you might meet women who share your ideals, especially your ideals for stability and a family.
Plus, in this day and age, women in their 40s can have children. Or you could adopt. So many options. That way you could still stay in a relationship age range that is comfortable for you.
Just don't think that you're over the hill, or something like that. Because it seems that she's kind of playing that card with you. Maybe she senses that insecurity in you, that you think that she's is your last chance at happiness and that you could never, ever meet someone else.
You imply that she would be settling with you (i.e. that she probably doesn't really love you). But the way you describe it, it really is pretty obvious that you're the one who would be settling and compromising, just out of fear that you might never meet someone else.
So... sign off YA right now and think about what you want in life, in a relationship. Just for yourself. What is it that would make you truly happy?
Good luck!!!!
2007-07-02 15:26:17 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if you look around here, you will find lots of young women with kids getting divorced for big and small reaons. The number of scenarios is numerous so only you know more about her circumstances better than anybody.
As a man with no kids in your 40s, you will find lots of candidates to marry but mostly likely divorced or widowed with kids. So that is a statistical reality you have to face. And I am sure women will find you most eligible if you are a provider.
Are you really love of her life? Mostly likely not. Too much marketing in this country. But what you expect her to say, that you are her 3rd love of her life? Or would you tell her she is only 2nd love of your life after your ex? These are just words on a commercial to buy the goods, pardon the analogy. I actually don't think men care about feeling 2nd or 3rd best that much but this is the rest of your life.
In fact, most men in your situation have difficulty playing dad to kids they didn't father. It is not easy by any means and you have no experience. This is when you truly appreciate the meaning of 2nd best -- because many kids can't adjust to another father figure and they don't want to respect your authority.
2007-07-02 16:08:56 · answer #2 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just told my story. I married at 18, had 2 children and divorced at 23 because of domestic violence. I didn't marry again for over 12 years. I married my second husband and had a baby 2 years later. He cheated and I divorced him. 5 years later, I married my current (and last) husband. We've been married 9 years and couldn't be happier. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. That doesn't mean that I want to spend the rest of my life alone. My husband and I both took a big chance. He is not in any way "third best". My only regret is that I didn't meet him first. I don't know about your situation, but mine worked out for my husband and me.
2007-07-02 15:19:00 · answer #3 · answered by Beckers 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your having these thoughts I dont think you are ready to marry this women, but you cant look at this like you are, your decision to marry her should be because you have a good foundation in your relationship and loving and respectful relationship, and now a days to have children doesnt mean you have to stay in a marriage forever because of them....divorce and single parenting are very common... good luck
2007-07-02 16:52:09 · answer #4 · answered by Renee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-09-28 23:15:24 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's possible but you should trust your instincts.
2007-07-02 15:10:01 · answer #6 · answered by Neka 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And you're still hanging around?
2007-07-02 19:00:41 · answer #7 · answered by jonesk_92656 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
trust your instincts!
2007-07-02 15:11:25 · answer #8 · answered by bronzebabekentucky 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
RUN...for God sake RUN...
2007-07-02 15:43:25 · answer #9 · answered by Big Red 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋