An old poem (long) honest critique? please?! what can i change in this poem?

Question

isolated in my misery
tormented by a memory
swallowed up in agony
must i now die alone?

nothing's changed
nothing's changed

i can feel this fire * burning
of the anger that's now rising
fleeting hopes and dreams
of healing
that now stagnate within me
dying

nothing's changed
nothing's changed

the darkness now prevailing
hiding me under it's shadow
as the desperation
this devastation
now engulfs my soul

friends and mourners * together come
paying homeage to my grave
yet did they not one thing for me -
but enable me to eternity
and further take me from this place

nothing's changed

intercessors - weeping
were there any?
none at all
pleading that he might
turn back his wrath
that now comsumes my soul

nothing's changed

the nightmare of this torturous existence
nothing's changed
the devastation deep within my soul
nothing's changed

(*wait for last verse)

indifferent to my existence
i have not a reason living
save the reality of your apathy
the (burning) of my emnity
and the remnant of despair.

nothing's changed.

*sighs* okay..... that's it! its kinda stupid and sappy and long..... (its an 'older one') but.... BE HONEST AND BE NICE OKAY? what can i edit out of there? what changes can i make? i know its kinda dumb but i like it in a sick sad way okay? so how can i make it better? IT NEEDS WORK!! lol

oh and fyi .... i isnt a poet and i isnt trying to be.... lol;
......but good feedback thankyou!

... WHAT IF I CUT OUT ALL THE SAPPY .......BLAH BLAH "NOTHINGS CHANGED CRAP?" i dont necessarily wanna chuck this poem into the fire if i dont have to....... which according to Elaine i should....lol.
i dont care if you like it.... i just want honesty; what can i do to make it better?

Answer 1

Hey Beans, ok here's your honest feedback. You use a lot of words here, but you're not really saying much. You have a lot of abstract words in this poem--and in most cases that will make a poem hard to access and boring. I won't go through every line but for example:

isolated in my misery
tormented by a memory
swallowed up in agony
must i now die alone?

misery, memory, agony: Vague words that don't draw me in.

It's the difference between:

Bob is angry and Bob punched a hole in the wall up to his forearm.

One tells us what is happening and one shows us. You need to show us more here.

Nothing's changed might work as a refrain if the build up were stronger. At this point, it isn't working.

friends and mourners * together come: I really hate when syntax gets turned around (come together ok...just like the Beatles "come together). Same with this line ok: yet did they not one thing for me -

So, it sounds to me like the narrator is dead and suffering in Hell. Whether that is a metaphorical death and hell I couldn't say.

Try to read this fresh. Read it out loud, stopping on each line asking, "what is this saying? "is this saying what I think it is? can I cut any words? and "are there any images that would develop this?"

Those are a few of my initial ideas. I hope that wasn't too brutal for you--but it was honest.

Take care.

Answer 2

Dang. I most likely rather do not like state-of-the-art poetry. With a couple of exceptions I normally do not like some thing more recent then the Romantic Era. I'm no longer going to lie, this used to be well. I might rather love to research it extra and get its complete which means, however what I do realise after one or 2 floor readings I can relate to eerily good. I love the identify as good, which I feel is an essential aspect of a poem additionally. I maintain a composition pocket book where I write down or reduce and paste poems I rather like and write my ideas approximately them. If you do not brain, I might like so as to add yours to my assortment subsequent to the likes of William Wordsworth, Lord Byron, and Emily Dickinson. Yours might be the primary one in there which isn't a released poem. I'll price this an eight out of 10. But realise that this ranking is not any failing of yours. I can not supply a poem complete marks till I realise it totally. Since I have no longer had the time to research it safely, I do not realise all of it but. But that is my possess fault. I don't have any doubt that your ranking will lift to a ten as soon as I have the time to take a seat down and rather learn it. Keep up the well paintings! You have got to get it released or copyrighted a minimum of. The something I might so much absolutely difference, nonetheless, is the primary 2 strains. The means there are worded rather bothers me and does no longer are compatible with the leisure of the poem and the way it's developed.

Answer 3

It isn't necessary to wait for the last verse. I'm sorry, you want everyone to like this work of yours. Okay, I'll try: you have a good vocabulary. But nothing is going to change by itself, you have to make it happen. Take that as your motto, "Make it Happen," and try writing short stories instead.

Answer 4

I like it. I think its really good except the line that says "yet id they not one thing for me-" it needs some changing. You could say "yet they did not do one thing for me-"...it makes more sense. Sorry if I'm being to hard on changing your already great poem!! Keep writing and you will succeed more than you already have!!! :D

Answer 5

To be honest, It's too depressing. If you are going to write a poem like that one it has to have meaning. It doesn't have enough meaning. And it is baisicly the same thing going on and on and on. But other than that it's okay.

Answer 6

It's OK. The poetic structure and meter are very good. There's just so many "He's gone! Imma Gonna Die!" poems out there.

Answer 7

fleeting hopes and dreams
of healing
that now stagnate within me
dying

Second line
right now dying's what I'm feeling

Answer 8

I will be honest since you told me be honest........... I love it. Its very 'me'. I write poems sometimes and Edgar Allen Poe is my fave artist. And your poem reminds me very much of his work. SO, i love it! keep writing more so i can keep reading more :-)