Should I stay married or leave?

Question

Hello! I'm 22, got married at 19, am miserable now. Was emotionally immature and trying to escape a bad home life that made me at times literally suicidal...it was stupid of me, but it never occurred to me that I could just move out. I thought I would find fulfillment in him. Everyone told me he was such a good man (and he is) , I didn't want to be alone so I and married him. I'm not in love with him. He's moderately abusive in the emotional sense. I don't want to hurt him but I finally realize what I've done and I don't know if I can do this anymore. Right now I feel like I'm only staying because (1) to not hurt him and upset our families (mine would probably disown me), and (2) I'd be financially destitute and it would set my career/school life back years. BUT I don't know if I have it in me to be a wife to him and I feel sick when I think of staying and having kids with him. I don't want to string him along. More counseling? Divorce? Stay on the chance I might be happier one day?

Also, my husband knows how I feel. He's basically understanding and he says he wants what's best. He is totally content and happy in our marriage. All his needs and wants are met, and he readily admits this. Our counselor says we're incompatible, but it might work. I feel like I'm using him and I should at least be supporting myself financially. But I have deep attachment issues (he was the first) and I'm a loyal person so this is hard. I have people I can stay with and I could get on my feet eventually.

Answer 1

I don't think this is a case for councelling. Obviously you should make this decision for yourself, not based on what people on Yahoo Answers say, but I think you already know.

Marriage councelling, to me, is beneficial to people who have a real history together, with a mutual interest in repairing the relationship or reviving it back to what it used to be before external stressors (kids, inlaws, job change, illness, financial hardship, etc) came into the picture. In your case, it sounds like the grounds on which your relationship with your husband was formed were shakey (at best) to begin with. It sounds like you never really had the firm foundation needed to for a sustainable relationship.

And how could you? You were 19! You now realize how young you were (and still are), and have grown in the process to realize that you are a changed person. Yes, this was a mistake and ideally it would have had another outcome, but most reasonable adults accept the fact that life isn't always how we want it to be, and despite what TV and movies would have us think, moany of the real-life choices we face are much more difficult and have different outcomes than we are prepared to deal with. If you surround yourself with people who have had some life experience, you needn't worry about being judged.

I'm sorry to hear that your family will disown you - that's ridiculous - but your life is your own, not theirs.

Financial destitution is not a good reason to stay with this man. If you feel passionately and strongly enough about wanting to change your life, you can - I truly believe that. And I also believe staying, hoping you'll be happier "one day" is the saddest thing I've heard in a long time. You deserve to be happy NOW. That happiness might involve working two jobs, making it in this world by yourself, starting over and wanting to give up because it's very hard, but at least you'll know you did this for YOU.

And, if he's emotionally abusive, you owe it to yourself to get out of the situation.

So no. I don't think you need to beat yourself up over this. I think if you've reached the point where you can't stand the thought of staying with this man, then you've answered your own question. Don't feel guilty; people make mistakes, and nothing in life is black & white, despite what some people might like you to believe.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Think of yourself. If you are not happy, do something that will make your life happier. I was married and was miserable. I really thought my life had ended, but I got out. I thought the same way you do in the fact that I thought my family would disown me too, but after I explained the situation, they understood. Don't let hurting his feelings get in the way, look at it as making his life better by wishing him the best in the future. He might think he is happy now, but when he finds someone who truly loves him, he will think different. I thought that the man that I was married to deserved someone to feel the way about him, the way he felt about me.

About leaving. Is there someone you can live with for a couple of months until you get on your feet? Or maybe you could stay at the campus. Also, look for apartments in your area that go by your income.

If you are not happy. Get out. Plan and simple. There is always a way. You might be miserable for a couple of months, but wouldn't you rather be miserable for a couple of months then the rest of your life?

Answer 3

If you are sure you do not love him then i would leave. It does not make sense keeping him and yourself from being happy and if the very thought of having kids makes you upset, well definitely do not!!! DO NOT bring any kids into that kind of environment where there is not love. There is enough of that already going on without bringing innocents in the mix. As far as college etc., get a job, go parttime, it will put you back years, but i think your happiness and peace of mind are worth it. You don't want to hurt him, but you already are by being unhappy in the relationship and not being able to fully give urself to him emotionally etc. I just hope though this decision will be a carefully made one and not just because he upset you for a little while. EVERY marriage has its ups and downs and you could be in a down. it is up to you to analyze the situation and make a proper decision for yourself, but only you can make yourself happy. So, weigh your options carefully and choose well.

Answer 4

I think what you are feeling right now is sadness because your friends that are 22 are having fun dating, going on trips, and going to college. You are stuck in a marriage of your own choice. So, what you need to do is give your marriage a good try. Be sure that you do NOT get pregnant so if you decide in another year that you are still not happy, you will not have to deal with your ex the rest of your life. Get an education, be nice, be helpful, be a good wife to him, get a part-time job while you go to school. Then at the end of July 2008, decide. If you decide to leave, you will have given it your best effort. And who knows? You may want to stay forever. Good luck.

Answer 5

Dear unhappy, do not worry about what other people think! You are young, you do not have children to worry about, and you obviously do not love this man. Do not make the mistake of thinking children will be the answer...it wont! It will only compound your problem! Explain to him, you are not happy with your life, maybe you want to go back to school to pursue an education for a career choice...you are both still young enough to part on good terms and have a new fresh start....give yourself the chance you deserve it and so does he! Good luck hon and God bless you!!!

Answer 6

Whatever you do don't bring children into a loveless marriage. It's not fair. Why would you even think about having children with this man? Go to counseling my yourself and with your husband. You have issues aside from your marriage. I would say work it out before you take any drastic moves because it may not be the right decisions.
Good Luck

Answer 7

There's a word for a woman who has sex with a man because they don't want to be destitute (reason #2). Unless you're willing to include that job on your resume, get out and be grateful you dont have any kids.

You already said that your home life was bad, so your folks don't deserve any consideration here.

BTW, how can a "good man" be "moderately abusive"?

Answer 8

Please stop reading psychological books! He is not emotionally abusive! Damn! Moderately, geez, what's wrong with women today! He's a good man, but, you're looking for something wrong with him. You've used him to escape your home life, & now that you have escaped, you throw him in the trash. Didn't even try to make the national average! Yeah, you should divorce him, for his sake! The regrets you will have when you truely marry an abusive jerk will be the icing on the cake!

Answer 9

Sweetie! Get out of it because all of the hurt you're feeling right now won't go away...it'll get worse. I speak from experience since I escaped one hell living with my mother to another hell of an emotionally, financially and physically abusive marriage and I have kids with him.

I'm getting out of it though. I urge you to do the same. Nobody deserves to be unhappy and when you're feeling low down and sad, there's no other way to go but UP! Good luck.

Answer 10

Where would you go if you left? You first need to get some things in order, like a place to stay and get some money saved up. I know it's hard to do, but once you do leave, which is what I think you should do, you are going to need to be able to take care of yourself. Good Luck.