would u be "pissed" if your fiance bought expensive "toys" rather than saving for a house/wedding

Question

We have been engaged for 2 yrs and he just got out of debt and has some extra money now.I want to put money away for a house/wedding(both of us) but instead he keeps buying expensive stuff(drums/car stuff/guns) that total over 3k with no signs of stoping.He knows i have my share of the money for the house/wedding but he will not put any away himself(he wants to buy a house too).I can't help but think he expects me to put the whole down payment on the house.When i have talked to him about it he says he will put his share of the wedding on a c.c but what about the down payment on a house?I think now that his debt is cleared up and he has extra money some of it should go in the bank to pay for these things rather than buying expensive toys.

Answer 1

Lets look at this logically. He "just got out of debt". This means that he has been doing without things that he wanted to pay for his previous purchases. He "has some extra money now", and rather than continuing to deny himself, he has spent some of it on things that he wanted. He paid for these items without going into debt again.

You and he have differing views about money. He set a goal of getting out of debt, and was willing to sacrifice to reach that goal. He reached that goal, and now feels that he should enjoy the fruits of his sacrifices.

You have set a goal of a wedding and a house. You say that he wants a house too. I can tell you right now, the wedding means very little to him. He may love you. He may want to spend his whole life with you. He may be looking forward to being married to you. He is not looking forward to the actual wedding!

To a guy, a wedding is something where he has to |"show up, stand there, smile|" and put up with people that he really may not enjoy. He is willing to go back into debt (put the wedding on a credit card) to give you the wedding that you want. To him a wedding is just an "expensive toy".

I can see that you want to control him and his finances. Unless you can agree on how the money is to be spent, you are not going to have a happy marriage. You are someone who wants to save, he sees less value in a large bank balance and nothing to enjoy. I am not saying that either of you are wrong, but I can see trouble ahead when one partner tries to force the other to change!!

Answer 2

Maybe he's not as ready to settle down as you are. This is a sign of things to come if you get married now. Is there a big rush? Your priorities are in two different places. Hold off on marrying until you can both agree on how to proceed financially. It sounds like he needs to save a little more and perhaps, you need to lighten up a little and have fun! It sounds like he was responsible enough to get out of debt, let him have a little fun with his money. I have a feeling it won't last and if he's serious about starting a life with you, he'll save after he's collected some "stuff" he wants. Being financially compatible in a marriage is a BIG deal. Until you can feel like you are both on the same page when it comes to saving/spending wait it out. You need to know if this is a phase for him or a sign of things to come. Good luck :)

Answer 3

I think this is a huge sign of how he'll handle finances once you're married. You might want to sit down with a financial counselor together, so that he can hear from someone else exactly what it takes to save for a house, cars, and children. It seems like the wedding might not be quite real to him, because it's not immediate... it's in planning stages and he hasn't seen anything concrete. I don't think it's that he expects you to fork over all of the money. I think it's that he just doesn't know how to properly spend and (even more important) save money. I would bet you that he doesn't even have a savings account. I'd even bet that he doesn't know how much money is in his 401K.

Answer 4

Hmmmm...did you help him pay off that debt?? This does not sound like a good situation at all! If he isnt willing to save now and talk to you about big purchases what makes you think once youre married he will??? If you ant get him under control soon id call off the wedding...at least the wedding to him anyway!

Answer 5

Engaged for two years? I bet there is no date even set yet. You guys are not engaged you are playing house. As long as he is getting the goods for free he is never going to marry you. Wake up!!!! He used you and he will continue to use you. This reply miht piss you off and you will ignore me. But in a few years wyou wll think to yourself, man that guy on yahoo was right. Trust me I have done a lot of divorcs nd I know all th warning signs. If I were you I would start saving for the divorce. Trust me on this one.

Answer 6

This kind of behavior will not stop. I would nix the wedding unless you always want to be the one to worry about money for the future. Perhaps he leans on you as the stable one knowing that you will always be the one to bail him out of problems. People dont change, and it seems like his extra money is encouraging this negative behavior. Wedding bills on the CC... dont spend money you dont have. Thats what causes problems in the first place

Answer 7

I hear ya sister! I Have the same problem. Men are like children...they NEED toys... can't get enough, and when it comes to money, they are more likely to blow it on something fun than put it towards something concrete that benefits you both. I would sit him down (I'm doing this w/ my guy tonight) and tell him that you are not willing to do this alone. Tell him that you're relationship needs to be 50/50 when it comes to saving for your future. Open a joint account and have a specific amount of money direct deposited every week from both of your paychecks, so both of you are contributing equal amounts every week.....no excuses or exceptions!

Answer 8

If you put the whole down payment in without his help, then the house stays in your name ONLY until he ponies up money for a share of it. Doing a wedding on a CC is bad news. If he aint stoppin then you might need to slow down on the marriage ideas or you're heading for a headache

Answer 9

You're absolutely right but there is nothing you can do to force a man to do something he isn't willing to. I believe he is just going to sink back into debt. You need to sit him down and have him list his priorities and figure things out-if he doesn't want to put money down for a house or wedding then he isn't ready to commit and you should re-prioritize your life.

Answer 10

Yes, it's disappointing - but at least you see clearly where his priorities lie. If this isn't how you envision your marriage to be, you're wasting your time with this guy. Sounds like his idea of "money management" is what landed him in debt to begin with, and that it will continue to do so over and over. Do you really want to go down with this ship?