Will you critique my essay?

Question

I will proofread it later. I am just interested in honest criticism on the content of this essay (not the grammar)!

Topic: "The most dicriminated Race in America" (FYI: I know mainstream scientists find the deffinition for the word
-race- a controversy)
Racism and discrimination go hand in hand in America. People who are victims of racism fall into the category of people who have been prejudged based on their appearance in relation to an entire ethnic group; this is what is known as discrimination, or prejudice. It is a fact that about every ethnic group has had a time in American History in which it was discriminated upon based on people's skin color, native language, and/or shape of eyes. For example, Asians were discriminated upon for years right after the attacks on Pearl Harbor, Muslims were ( are) equally discriminated because of the terrorists attacks on the twin towers, Hispanics are discriminated because of immigration issues and Blacks were (and still are) discriminated upon because of skin color. Dating from the early 15th century until today, it is evident that discrimination against people based on their skin color continues, especially in African American communities.

People of color have gone through years oppression and humiliation in the hands of the White man. Hopeful activists of the 1950's and 60's aided an entire ethnicity in it's liberation from the chains of slavery. Now in days it is illegal to cast racist remarks against any race, but the fact of the matter is that African Americans are still being outcast from society ( especially in the South of the United States). Now in days, one can still witness how stereotypes of the past can be brought to light in an instant. People of color are feared in certain communities, and so the person that believes the stereotypes attached to a particular race, in this case the African Americans, behaves with certain caution when approaching a member of that race. People of color notice right away the differential treatment between races and so united they stand in order to combat generalizations and stigma's attached to their character from the past. People of color have formed organizations like the NAACP, which brings to light all the illegal racist treatment by police, civilians and entire communities. This organization takes care of protecting the rights of African Americans, and/or people of color in general in order to make sure that everyone is treated fairly in the work force and in the streets.

Although we are now in the 21st century, African Americans feel that institutional habits prevent them from attaining the jobs and homes they seek. Thankfully reparations towards a better future for people of color are still being made and affirmative action is being upheld in the court systems. Both affirmative action and group activists contribute a good deal of pressure to the government in order to keep checks and balances on African American minorities throughout the Unite States. All of this protection for people of color is vitally necessary because their are still racist sentiments in the hearts of some American people. African Americans are still being passed up for jobs because of their skin color, this is mainly evident in predominantly white communities. African Americans are also being discriminated upon for "taking advantage" of the welfare system, which is an entitlement to lower class communities that cannot afford the high cost of living in the U.S. People of color are still victims of negative prejudicial stereotypes in school as well as in the workforce. THeir are White communities that believe affirmative action took away their place in a job they could not get. There are AMericans who blame people of color for taking a job position that could have otherwise been theirs, if it had not been for "the quota system" jobs have to meet. This is evidence of racist thinking because their are numerous reason why a person of color was hired for a position that had applicants of other races. People of color do not only face discrimination in the workforce they also experience hate crimes, brutal treatment by police officers and discrimination in the streets.

Even though it is illegal for police officers to brutally treat their arrestees, their are still countless cases of police brutally against people of color. Most of the time these cases have been caught on camera and so the whole world is able to see how police officers violate their authority and integrity by attacking an innocent person just because they felt threatened by that person's skin color. African AMericans also face discrimination in the streets. People of other races are weary when they see a group young black men approaching them. Young AFrican American males feel the most discriminated agaisnt in society not inly because of their age group, but also because of their skin color. Young African American females seem to feel the most discriminated agaisnt because they are women and are black. According to a national study on issues of politics, government, sex and marriage, researchers at the University of Chicago's Young Black Youth Project,, 54% percent of blacks receive poorer education on average than whites; 40% of hIspanics and 31% of whites agree. Clearly the school systems and government are failing in reforming the discrimination in schools at an educational and social level. In order for advancement in today's society, one requires a god education and fair treatment of peers and professors alike. How can an entire race progress intellectually if their education is being thwarted away by discrimination? A reform in today's school boards would be vitally necessary in order for blacks to have fair academic advancement and oppurtunites in life.

Discrimination against another race is not justified by one's fear of the unknown. People have to realize that the old saying of "stick and stones" is false and misleading, words can deeply cut and penetrate one's goal's and ambitions. African Americans in particular stand united against a stained history in which America's ethics were diminished to a minute grain of sand. Blacks have certainly improved their social, economical and political way of living since the civil rights movements of the 1950's and 60's, but life expectancy, school success and crime rates are much lower among many African American communities than white communities. Organizations like the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People aid African American communities gain access to equal opportunities in school, in the work force and in life. There is still much left to be done in order for black to gain equal status as a race.

Answer 1

.

You have written a really great essay.

The only thing I wanted to mention is that the
'African-Americans (AAs) are *not* a “Race”.

They are an ‘Ethnic’ group that many people
constantly get mixed-up with and erroneously
confused for being the same group as the
‘Black American’ (BA) “Race” group (when,
in reality, the two groups are *not* the same).

For more information on this,
please see link listed below:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Al5eeK2CFwcv4rD5U5qzvEfty6IX?qid=20070527201834AAIhzhM&show=7#profile-info-CiC2JY9Maa

Have a great day. :D

.

Answer 2

Wow,

I think its great and will have a hard time to tell you what to change. It will be very hard for someone to say anything bad about this, you are well read and probably have put some real thought into this and are also emotionally charged about it, good for you!! I am a white guy who did take the time to read this and am saddened that this stuff even has to be talked about, but I do think there is alot of racial tension still out there and there are alot of people still feeling the effects of so many years ago. In Canada we don't have this problem, or at least nobody I know acts or speaks this way. If only we could all live in peace, I know I do and enjoy every human I run into!!!!

There is nothing in Canada that has to be done for the races, because I don't think there are races here, there are just people and friends and neighbor's, luv them all the same or hate them all the same!!

Good write!!

Answer 3

I suggest handing it over to an older student, a professor etc. to read over it. If you want competent critique, you might try Yahoo! Answers... there are quite some competent critics around. ;) Give it a try, any teacher will grade your essay differently, depending on what they look for: Clarity? Creative use of language? Brevity? Some will mark you down for grammatical mistakes, others let them pass and only focus on the content.... try post it here, see what you get as a starting point. Do post it into the Homework Help section or the Teaching section, and ask for proof-reading. :)

Answer 4

too much rambling.
too one sided.
OOOO "at the hands of the White man"... yup... the white man is to blame for it.
The fact is that blacks discriminate against blacks just as much as whites against blacks and blacks against white.
So, the school systems are failing. We're homeschooling our kids... Why don't more blacks do that? Why do you have to assume that society has to fix all your problems?
Discrimination is not always bad.
To discriminate = to discern... tell a difference between...
We discriminate criminals from law abiding people. Why do so many blacks start screaming "Discrimination!" every time one of their criminals get caught by police. I don't hear asians and whites make such a fuss. A criminal is a criminal. I'm sure there are bad policemen out there, but the ones I know do not wake up in the morning thinking "I've got to harrass a black person today".

Answer 5

The grammar is absolutely horrible. You switch your use of "race" and "ethnicity" freely without specifying if you mean they are the same thing. Your conclusion has nothing to do with your actual body of the paper. You mention "sticks and stones"(which should never be in a paper because its a colloquialism) but the paper focuses on events that are occurring not on name calling. I don't know who asked you to write this paper but they are incredibly irresponsible. The concept of having to chose one race who is the most discriminated against is the type of exercise that builds prejudiced minds in the first place.

Answer 6

It was very interesting. Did you write it for school? I would check not only the spelling but the grammar as well. I think in one case in which you used "weary" you may have meant "wary", as in a little afraid to approach. I thought the inclusion of the U of Chicago study to be very effective in helping to make your point.

Answer 7

1

Answer 8

It seems to be well written and well read. Would you be interested in submitting your article to ezinesarticles.com, hopefully they will accept it and publish it for you. I sent in ten and they accepted all ten of them. I think your views and essay is worth submitting for the world to see. Best Wishes

Answer 9

Speaking as on who is a teacher by profession, I'd say it's pretty good and very informative. You get an A+!

Answer 10

I think it's good! just proofread it a few more times, and if your teacher gave you a rubric, just use that. But basically, its good. ok..yea